Stephen scrubs swc
After a thorough examination, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
has diagnosed you as suffering from a case of
Old Disease

Old Disease, also known as "aging" or "old man disease" in the libural scientific community, is actually a curse from God to punish mankind for their sins. Medicare & Social Security are also part of this curse. Old disease is contracted by all beings, except Stephen[1] and Jesus.



John McCain complaining with other Mesopotamian deities that getting old sucks

The first person to be afflicted with aging was a young John McCain[2], he became patient zero and it is for that reason that he continues to age through out the ages. Other famous old people include Jimmy Carter, Rumplestiltskin, Rip VanWinkle & Dick Cheney's heart.


There is no cure against Old Disease yet, but if you are willing to surrender all of your possessions, the Free Market is willing to find a cure sometime in the future...after they get all the use out of your possessions, and finish throwing your money away on girls, sex, food, sex, drugs, sex, Viagra, sex... and decide to get off their lazy fat asses and work on this dilema before they, too, contract Old Disease. The Free Market is Very Old, too, but it has a painting in its attic.

There are several supposed treatments to combat old age disease:

  • Old men believe that having sex with younger nubile naked virgin women may temporarily revitalize their old bones & keep them from getting nasty diseases on top of Old Disease. Doctors recommend repeated treatments to slow down the effects of aging[3], they also recommend to switch to a "younger" woman once the current one feels old, worn out, and has lost its appeal.
  • Bathing in the blood of the innocent and virgins, a favorite past time of the Aristocracy, is also believed, by some extremely sick pervs, to hold off the ravages of Old Disease. Currently outlawed by the government: something about terrifying the peasant population that could lead to uprisings.
  • Women perform special rituals nightly, using sacred substances such as "anti-wrinkle cream", "anti-aging serum", "age-defying make-up" & "facelift in a bottle". Men have even brain-washed some into believing swallowing sacred semin of the cum will keep them young forever, but this really only helps the men.


  1. Many fans have noticed that Colbert seems to be aging and getting some gray hair. Dont be fooled, that's just the magic of Hollywood to make Colbert "older" to fool the Liberal Media. Everyone knows that Colbert is immortal and ageless and if you eat his flesh you will become immortal too; we dont want the liberals to cannibalize on Stephen, now do we?
  2. Another theory indicates that John McCain is actually "Geriatricux", the Mesopotamian god of old people, come to the world to punish us with Old Disease until he is President of America
  3. Disclaimer: non-stop repetitive treatments could lead to an early heart attack and your obituary remembering you as da man

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