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Noah's Ark was a huge seaship built by Noah, God's favorite sailor and a
true honorary American hero. The Ark was built explicitly to save God's preferred animals from a massive flood which covered the entire Earth some 5,000 years ago.
God was very explicit about which animals were allowed on to the Ark. And Noah was a dutiful servant of The Lord. But due to all the craziness of the day, and the treachery of Satan, bears, and environmentalists, some things didn't quite pan out.
- 2 elephants - because God knew how important they'd be to Republicans and Stephen Colbert
- 2 Bald eagles - see above reason
- 2 cats - because The Lord loves them so
- 2 dogs - to guard the Ark from liberals
- 2 Platypuses - because they are so cool and useful
- 2 Echidnas - to make the platypuses look even cooler
- 2 birds - to help explain sex to children in a
- 2 bees - see above reason
- Bears - though they still sneeked aboard, thanks largely to Satan
- Dragons - banned due to fire safety concerns
- Wookies - too close to humans, and a potential source of evolutionary heresy
- Yetis - same reason as above, although some might have come on with the bears
- Gay minotaurs - for obvious reasons
- Noah chose the name Ark in honor of Joan of Arc, who the Lord had mentioned to him in passing.
- Noah used the Ark codename to keep evil bears in the dark about the looming disaster. Sadly his plan failed and a few Godless killing machines stowed away while Noah and God were out at the Home Depot buying more wood.