Republican jesus
"Noah's Ark"
Is an essential component of's Bible Internets Tube

Imagine a boat as cool as this, only MUCH bigger!

Noah's Ark was a huge seaship built by Noah, God's favorite sailor and a true honorary American hero. The Ark was built explicitly to save God's preferred animals from a massive flood which covered the entire Earth some 5,000 years ago.


God was very explicit about which animals were allowed on to the Ark. And Noah was a dutiful servant of The Lord. But due to all the craziness of the day, and the treachery of Satan, bears, and environmentalists, some things didn't quite pan out.

Approved animalsEdit

Unapproved animalsEdit


A bear reenacts the notorious treachery which saw them board Noah's Ark and find unwarranted safety.

  • Bears - though they still sneeked aboard, thanks largely to Satan
  • Dragons - banned due to fire safety concerns
  • Wookies - too close to humans, and a potential source of evolutionary heresy
  • Yetis - same reason as above, although some might have come on with the bears
  • Gay minotaurs - for obvious reasons


  • Noah chose the name Ark in honor of Joan of Arc, who the Lord had mentioned to him in passing.
  • Noah used the Ark codename to keep evil bears in the dark about the looming disaster. Sadly his plan failed and a few Godless killing machines stowed away while Noah and God were out at the Home Depot buying more wood.

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