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Nebraska

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Nebraska
is a Recognized State of the United States of America.
All the geography American schoolkids Need To Know.

See Also:

Baby Jesus
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The Baby Jesus and The Baby Satan
are fighting over the very soul of
Nebraska
The "Great" State of NEBRASKA
NEBRASKA
Capitol: Cornville
State Flower: Corn Stalk
State Water Feature: The spot on Bo Pelini's pants where he pissed himself.
Official Language: Football
State Bird: Corn
State Motto: Hey, at least it's not Colorado
Nickname: "The Corny Middle"
Governor: The big talking corn
State Anthem: Corn in the USA
Population: Just enough to fill Memorial Stadium on gameday
Standard MPH: 75 on the interstate
Principal imports: Fields
Principal exports: Corn
Principal industries: Cornhusker memorabilia
Fun Fact # 1: Nebraska has superior corn to Colorado, but Colorado has more entertainment than Nebraska.
Fun Fact # 2: Nebraska is a little bit like Colorado, but without the drugs, or culture, or industry, or stench. Come to think of it, it's really just some fields of corn.
Fun Fact # 3: Lincoln, Nebraska is named for the state's founder, Lin Colon, not Abraham Lincoln.
Fun Fact # 4: Nebraska goes into a state of depression after every football loss, especially when it is to Colorado
Fun Fact # 5: Incidents of crime (especially domestic abuse) go up after every football loss.
Fun Fact # 6: The home of the greatest fans in college football. Will act with collective mass indigence at the smallest slight.


Nebraska, otherwise known as the land of corn and huskers, is firmly in what is known as the "heartland" of America, directly next to the left ventricle (Iowa). Citizens of the state spend their days watching football and husking corn. Most importantly, them cornhuskers don't hate America. But because there are not a lot of gays in Nebraska, it is uncertain whether Nebraska will take over hell.

DiscoveryEdit

Nebraska was discovered in 1869 when they also discovered football. For the history of Nebraska after 1869 please refer to the annual Nebraska Cornhusker Football Media Guides.

HistoryEdit

The only history worth knowing is Nebraska has 5 National Championships in football: 1970, 1971, 1994, 1995, and 1997. Nebraska hates Michigan for stealing half of the 1997 National Championship. Nebraska may have invented a unicameral legislature and was home to Strategic Air Command, but it was not listed in the annual Nebraska Cornhusker Football Media Guide so they are debatable facts. The Nebraska football team was originally called the "Bugg-Eaters". This was changed when someone (likely an out-of-state visitor) noticed how incredibly stupid it was. A survey was undertaken to find the strongest and most intimidating thing in the state, which turned out to be the retarded guy that sat behind the grain silo and husked corn everyday.

Achieving StatehoodEdit

Nebraska was awarded statehood by the United States of America after defeating Mexico in the Spanish-American-French-Indian-Canadian Civil War. Once again, this fact is not mentioned in any of the annual Nebraska Cornhusker Football Media guides...therefore it is up for debate. Granted state hood by their favorite president Obama.

Nebraska TodayEdit

Much of the state was purchased in 1992 by Ted Turner who plans to use bison grown there in his devious attack plans.

Nebraska is the only bisexual state in the United States. It always goes both ways during election time. Nebraska is the only state that allows for a split in the electoral vote. Since 1991, two of Nebraska's five electoral votes are awarded based on the winner of the statewide election while the other three go to the highest vote-getter in each of the state's three congressional districts. This fact was later embraced by Nebraska in a tourism slogan that said, "Nebraska, We Go Both Ways." But for anyone who has seen Boys Don't Cry, remember Nebraskans will off anyone who goes queer!

In recent months Nebraskans have made themselves out to be bear killers. This makes them to Great Leader Stephen Colbert what the Jews were to God. Except Nebraskans will kill Jews too if they wander too close to town. Anyways, in May 2008 a black bear wandered into the western Nebraska town of Harrison, where it threatened to kill all 12 residents of the community with its lasers and nunchucks. The state games and parks commision quickly realized this threat, and cornered it in a barn where it held a group of blue haired old ladies hostage. The game keepers killed it and will likely add it to the collection of dead stuffed critters at Ole's Big Game Steakhousein Paxton.

Nebraska is also a great place to go to get away from the kids...by leaving them in Nebraska. Under the state's Safe Haven law, and child under the age of 18 can be left at any hospital or other designated facility without penalty. [1] So if little Timmy is getting out of hand, just come to Nebraska and be rid of the brat. Unwanted children are then employed as labor by the corn industry.

Second Congressional DistrictEdit

Nebraska's Second Congressional district (The Fightin' Second!) gave it's electoral point to President-Elect Barack Obama. Making the district official an America Hater.

Nebraska LandmarksEdit

  • statues of Tom Osborne and Bob Devaney,
  • Corn Fields,
  • Fields of what appears to be corn
  • Roads leading out of Nebraska
  • lil' Red

Famous NebraskansEdit

Nebraska is the birth place of many famous individuals, the two most prominent being William Jenings Bryan and James Sterling Morton. Yes, where would the United States be without a man who lost a presidential election (because he was a Democrat) and the man who founded Arbor Day (because trees were his only friends).

Others include (but are not limited to):

  • Chief Standing Bear - person who convinced US courts that Native Americans were people
  • Warren Buffett - rich, old guy suffering from Obama-induced dementia.
  • Alex Gordon - MLB player for struggling Royals
  • Richard Cheney - Strong leader and patriotic American Vice-President
  • Stephen Colbert - (born in every American state)
  • Gerald Ford - Notable for being the only U.S. President to fall down more than an epileptic walking on ice.
  • Ben Nelson - Nebraska Democrat who can be easily have his vote bought off.
  • Chuck Hagel - Nebraska Republican (means leans the right way automatically)
  • Obama - Honorary Nebraskan

A Typical Day in NebraskaEdit

Sucks. The Nebraskans spend indefinitely many hours working in corn fields and creating more areas of land fit to grow corn. They love beef. The smell of cow dung is, as a Nebraskan puts it, "the smell of money." If you are lucky enough to live downwind from a feed lot, you can "smell money" every day.

Nebraskans are also known to throw great tailgating parties and love to drink. On the weekends every Nebraskan goes out drinking and by Saturday evenening everyone is fully drunk and they form groups to go out and burn down liberal run school houses. After that they spend their time blowing things up and shooting everything in sight.

But the biggest weekend of drinking is known as "Czech Days" in Wilber Nebraska, where every year tens of thousands of people descend on this small town to get drunk on substandard beer in seedy beer gardens for 4 fun filled nights. You know the locals have accepted you if they puke on your shoes! But remember, they'll only accept you as long as you aren't Mexican!

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