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|Created by:||Richard Nixon & The Devil|
|Motto:||We're smarty-pants and know-it-alls with pocket protecters. Nobody likes us.|
|Under Secretary:||Vice Admiral Conrad C. Lautenbacher, Jr.|
|NOAA makes pretty maps like this that are used by USA Today, Fox News, and local TV stations for their comic relief segments|
It's part of the Department of Commerce and includes the Weather Service and the National Hurricane Center in Miami as two of its offices.
After the epiphany -- also called the "election" in 2000 of the Greatest President Ever -- the Administration considered disbanding this organization. That plan was abandoned, however, after USA Today, Fox News and dozens of local TV stations protested that the outfit is still useful. The "news" organizations pointed out that NOAA supplies the pretty and colorful maps that are used during the comic-relief segments of news shows.
It also turns out that NOAA buys satellites, boats, and planes from defense contractors like Boeing and Lockheed Martin. Lobbyists for those companies convinced the administration that keeping that supply-line open would be good for the country and especially for campaign contributions.
Karl Rove and Ken Mehlman also advised POTUS that the scientists at NOAA would probably get jobs at Universities or liberal think tanks if they were fired. The advisers pointed out that the scientists would then be free to release studies, books, and scripts for Al Gore.
The Decider reflected for a second or two and then concluded (after being reminded about the subject of his recent reflection) that it would be better to keep the scientists "on the reservation."
The Ozone HoleEdit
Under direction of the West Wing, NOAA's more compliant bosses at the Department of Commerce established a special office to handle the more embarrassing memos emanating from NOAA. They call it "The Ozone Hole." It's actually a cubicle in a Commerce mail room filled with shredders. Most memos from NOAA scientists are sent there for processing.
Processing the memos has been done more quickly since March, 2006. New equipment in the cubicle automatically to shunts any memo to the Ozone Hole if it contains any of these phrases: climate change; global warming; regional warming; or El Nino.
Memos sent by NOAA scientists complaining about "slow response" to their memos are also shredded.
Other memos are reviewed by volunteers from the Chist is Risen Evangelical Chuch in Charlottsville, VA.
It's an albatross, not a seagullEdit
Unlike most government agencies that prominently feature the Lordly Eagle in their logos, NOAA uses a seagull. A seagull! That bird is a sky-rat garbage collector that's only a little bit prettier than a pigeon. It's only useful on God's Earth because land-locked flatlanders like to take pictures of the things when they visit the coast; and, maybe, because Mormons think they're holy.
Although the original image is still used on the NOAA logo, the Bush Administration has officially declared that the bird shown there shall be known henceforth as an albatross.
- ↑ Stephen Colbert created the motto for the agency and first presented it in an interview with Nobel Prize Winner, . Although the scientists there protested, the Bush Administration declared that it is the perfect motto for NOAA.
- ↑ Johnson had been talking about J. Edgar Hoover, but it applies to just about any cranky bureaucrat.
- ↑ El Nino is included only because everyone is bored with hearing about it.