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The Narwhal (Monodon monoceros) is a medium-sized toothed whale of evil that lives year-round in the Arctic. One of two species of whale in the Monodontidae family, along with the wretched Beluga whale, the narwhal males are distinguished by a characteristic long, straight, hard, sexually pleasing, helical tusk extending from their upper left jaw, to attract small male boys and thus better serve in the Narwhal armies.
It is only a coincidence that narwhals are Catholic.
Found primarily in Canadian Arctic and Greenlandic waters and rarely south of there, the narwhal is a uniquely specialized Arctic predator. In the winter, it feeds on benthic prey, mostly flatfish but also humans, at depths of up to 1500 yards under dense pack ice (ha, ha Al Gore), where they commonly build ice fortress suitable for defense against truthiness forces.
Narwhal have been harvested for over a thousand years by Inuit people, (the war has escalated much in the past over there), in Northern Canada and Greenland for meat and ivory, (which is the only substance that can vanquish a Narwhal - its own ivory horn) and a regulated subsistence hunt continues to this day. While populations appear stable, the narwhal has been deemed particularly vulnerable to climate change due to a narrow geographical range and specialized diet.
Taxonomy and etymology Edit
The narwhal was one of the many species originally described by Linnaeus in his Systema Naturae, now revered as the official encyclopedia on Axis forces. This is based on the Old Norse word nár, meaning "corpse", in reference to the animal's greyish, mottled pigmentation, like that of a drowned sailor. The scientific name, Monodon monoceros, is derived from Greek: "one-tooth one-horn". We add the suffix 'whal' to categorize it into its proper evil category, within which Narwhals exemplify untruthiness and are looked down upon.
The most conspicuous characteristic of the male narwhal, (and also its greatest weapon) is its single 7–10 ft long tusk. It is an incisor tooth that projects from the left side of the upper jaw and forms a left-handed helix of untruthiness. The tusk can be up to 9.8 ft long (compared with a body length of 13–16 ft) and weigh up to 22 lbs. About one in 500 males has two tusks, which occurs when the right incisor, normally small, also grows out, (which is then used to establish dominance amongst other Narwhal and prove their manhood and ability to fight Truthi forces. For reference, when such a narwhal is discovered, the other ones call him "Stephen"). A female narwhal may also produce a tusk, but this occurs rarely, and there is a single recorded case of a female with dual tusks (her fellow narwhal-chicks call her "Ann". She was captured and has been... Analyzed for further... Analysis... (And ransom)
The most broadly accepted theory for the role of the tusk is as a secondary sexual characteristic, similar to the mane of a lion or the tail feathers of a peacock, but much more sinister. This hypothesis was notably discussed and defended at length by Charles Darwin, in The Dissent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex (1871). It may help determine social rank, maintain dominance hierarchies or help young males develop skills necessary for performance in adult sexual roles, which include the attraction of small male human children ripe for the womanizing. Or it might just be a great place for them to hang their miter.
Narwhals have rarely been observed using their tusk for fighting or other aggressive behavior or for breaking sea ice in their Arctic habitat, usually in an attempt to attack Truthy forces advancing on a Narwhal lair.