Hey, where the hell is
Mississippi River???
I don't care all that matters is that it's AMERICAN...hey nice ass, lady!

The Mississippi River is the longest river in the world. It is America's favorite river just before the James River.


It begins at the base of Mount Rushmore where it crosses east to the Great Lakes. From there it meanders south toward Mississippi then veers west to Arizona where it makes a sudden u-turn and heads back east again, running along the Mexico border making it easy for anyone to build a fence along it. It is also the natural habitat for fire-proof crocodiles.

The Real History of the Mississippi RiverEdit

  • it was once known as "The Colbert River"

The Mighty Mississippi Helps The MarketEdit

Because wild donkeys were plentiful in the old Louisiana territory, donkeys were used to drag boats up the Colbert (Mississippi) River. This ingenious use of tools enabled those crazy Frenchmen in New Orleee-ans to visit their kinfolk up in Quebec (keh-bec), Canada (America North). Unfortunately, it was soon discovered that the Colbert (Mississippi) River doesn't go all the way to Canada, so the Frenchmen found themselves stranded in Saint Louis and began "trapping" animals to get into their "fur" in hopes of saving enough money to hire a Rickshaw driver to take them the rest of the way to Quebec. Soon there were so many Frenchmen in Saint Louis (Sahn Loo-ee) that the original Native American occupants kidnapped the most outspoken and annoying of the Frenchman (a very tough choice, indeed) and took him back to New Orleans to warn the others that there waren't any womenfolk left in Saint Louis, they couldn't get to Quebec that way, and please stop coming to Saint Louis. Unfortunately, the wiley Frenchman noted that the Native American kidnappers had taken the Colbert (Mississippi) river to get to New Orleans. Realizing that they could travel both ways on the Colbert (Mississippi), he commandeered a donkey hauler to drag him back to Saint Louis because he had left his friend, Pierre, in Saint Louis, and Pierre owed him money. Thus the Colbert (Mississippi) River secured its place as a critical transportation route for early American commerce.

Soon, the Native Americans of Saint Louis were so overrun with Frenchmen that they began building enormous ships to flee. As the first ship neared completion, one of the local Frenchmen offered to charter the boat for a Spring Break booze cruise. Realizing that there was good money to be made off drunk Frenchmen, the Saint Louis indians scrapped their plans to escape Saint Louis. Instead, they established the first Indian gaming Riverboats, a profitable tradition that continues today in states throughout the Colber (Mississippi) River Watershed.

Myths and Legends Associated with The MississippiEdit

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