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|The FABULOUS State of MINNESOTA |
|Capitol:||St. Louis Park|
|State Flower:||Stupid Cottonwood Flurries|
|Official Language:||Uff Da!|
|State Bird:||Common Loon(Eagle was taken)|
|State Motto:|| Sprawl for one|
and one for Sprawl!
|Nickname:||Socialist Aryan Republic of Norwegian Lutherans|
|Governor:||Brett Favre(actual) Tim Pawlenty(ceremonial)|
|State Anthem:|| "Minnesota On My Mind"
"Puttin On the Ritz"- Taco
|Population:||Gays/mall shoppers (same thing)|
|Standard MPH:||The speed of one old man walking with an empty gas can.|
|Principal exports:||Funny accents, Prince concerts, Mary Tyler Moore Show DVDs.|
|Principal industries:||Shoveling snow, delaying Highway 100 reconstruction|
|Fun Fact # 1:||The shape of the state is based on an ancient Mayan marital aid|
|Fun Fact # 2:||There are more gays in Minnesota per square mile than Mall molecules in the entire U.S. and is somehow still less gay than Kansas, more or less equal to Iowa.|
Minnesota (Socialist Aryan Republic of Norwegian Lutherans) is the United States' 32nd state, and filled with evil Norwegians and overweight blonde women. All outsiders who enter this land forgotten by God who happen to have dark hair or swarthy characteristics are constantly watched with fierce disapproval. Known for venerating political failures like Walter Mondale and naming buildings at universities after them. Part of the American Mordor known as the Upper Midwest. It has voted for the godless sodomite Democratic candidate in every presidential election since 1972, when it voted for beacon of truthiness, Richard M. Nixon. Its one redeemable quality was Senator Norm Coleman (R-America), who is DEFINITELY not gay. I mean, he's never had sex with another man. Okay, maybe once or twice. Alright fine, he can't keep his fucking hands outside of gay sex, are you happy now? Even though Norm won in a landslide in 2008, the commie liberal media in Minnesota somehow managed to rig the election. Minnesota also has the largest Lutheran population furthering Stephen Colberts hatred for land of 10,000 lakes. Too many damn lakes.
Basically, the whole bottom half the state is farmland, and the top half is a combination of lakes, forests, hills, and mosquitoes that could eat your cat. Minnesota shares a border with Canada, and therefore provides access for communist, French, and bear infiltration into the United-States. The city of Fargo lies in the northern part of the state, and in the middle of the state is the Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area, which is like the 13th or so biggest in the country, and easily the most full of gays other than San Francisco. Literally. The Metro Area sprawls for fifty or so miles in every direction, one of the best examples in the country of urban sprawl, and how to keep the demand for gas high.
Minnesota has voted for a Godless Democrat for president every four years since 1976, even voting for Mondale for some reason in 1984 instead of St. Reagan (When America lost its mind in '84, Minnesota was the only blue state). But, the state is relatively moderate because the outstate yokels cancel out the people in the metro area. So there is currently a Republican Governor, Tim Pawlenty. And he abides by the essential principle that it's a great idea to not raise taxes no matter what, even when neglected bridges are collapsing into the Mississippi.
Apparently the only reason they voted for Libertarian candidate Jesse "The Body" Ventura is because they confused him with fellow "heel" wrestler Hossein Khosrow "The Iron Sheik" Ali Vaziri. Even with that confusion it was kind of like one of those situations where everyone votes for him just to be funny, expecting everyone else to vote for an actual candidate, and then he gets elected.
Mall of AmericaEdit
The Mall of America, the largest indoor retail center in the country, lies in the Minneapolis suburb of Bloomington. It is an abomination to God, primariliy due to the fact that it is a breeding ground for San Fernando Valley Girls & Canadian girls who perform bubblegum pop oldies there that hadn't charted since the 80's. It is rumored that occasionally when outstaters come to visit the mall, their heads explode out of shock at the sheer size and scope of the thing. Concrete proof hasn't been offered to backup these rumors, but there is a red residue along the ceiling in the main entrance to the mall.
The mall's recent expansion also includes the Water Park of America, which is supposedly the world's biggest indoor water park. It really doesn't look that big. But whatever. It is said that the architects had planned to make a much larger version of the current mall, but when they got to a certain point, God thought better of it and struck the workers with a curse, making them speak different dialects of Spanish than what they had spoken before, some Argentine, some Colombian and some the lispy Spain-Spanish.
After September 11th, when George W. Bush asked Americans to make the ultimate sacrifice and go shopping, the Mall of America was considered as a temporary capitol building. It is rumored that Bush considering using The Peanut Butter Experience as the temporary Oval Office until he was reminded that Jimmy Carter would be rich from all the publicity. To this day, Jimmy Carter remains on welfare.
Named for a Southern, pro-slavery, Civil War-era US Senator, Lake Calhoun is the recreational heart of urban, liberal Minneapolis. Typically on weekends, its running trails are crowded with Godless sodomites who insist on being referred to as human beings, while degrading the moral atmosphere of the lake. Luckily, the area isn't big on history, and doesn't see the massive irony in this.
Another thing that Minnesota is known for is the Mayo Clinic. Once upon a time, somebody spilled a bunch of Mayonaise on the floor and another person slipped on it and broke their leg. That is how the Mayo Clinic started. They do cancer research.
Minnesota is the self-proclaimed "state of hockey," and is played by 91.5% of those who live in the state. The state's professional team, the Minnesota Wild, dresses in green and red uniforms at home, making their players look like ice-skating Christmas trees. This is symbolic of the culture war in Minnesota between Democrats and Republicans.
Ice fishing is a year round activity enjoyed by men and women of all ages. Occasionally amid the heavily liquored parties thrown in ice houses across the state someone manages to catch a fish, but they usually escape from the hands of the drunken bums :) and fall back through the icehole.
- Edwin Somdahl, State Cow Tipping Champion 1982-1990
A Typical Day in MinnesotaEdit
6:00am - Naked, wake up and slip into some waist-high rubber boots.
6:05am - Eat breakfast consisting of two bottles of Summit EPA and an entire stick of Land-O-Lakes Margarine.
6:45am - Put on four layers of clothing over your boots. It is March, so the temperature can be anywhere from -30 to 90 degrees.
7:00am - Leave the house. After listening to Sven Sundgaard's weather report, you realize you won't EVER listen to that pretty boy again. He says it is going to be 60 and sunny when, in fact, it is 30 and snowing. Not so much a problem because of all of the layers of clothing you are currently wearing.
7:01 - Take off large, down-filled parka and throw it in the back of your Ford Ranger (extended cab of course).
8:45am - Arrive late to work after sitting in traffic for 105 minutes while people on the ramp in front of you attempt to merge onto the freeway, but are thwarted by the Hummer H2 with the "Ducks Unlimited" sticker and conservation license plate that is being a little too "Minnesota Nice".
9:00am - Settle in for your day working for one of Minnesota Fortune 500 corporations (3M, General Mills, Target, etc.). note: you are still wearing your rubber boots because you forgot your wingtips again. Man, you look ridiculous, but no worries the other States will catch up with Minnesotan fashion one day.
12:00pm - Lunch consisting of only the finest parts of the native white tail deer.
1:00pm - Back to work you lazy liberal.
3:30pm - Man the lines along any of the state borders making sure no one escapes to the better state of Wisconsin.
6:30pm - Arrive home where your wife has prepared you and your five children an entire pig.
7:00pm - Sit down on your favorite chair and watch "North Country" on cable until the drool cools on your face and you wake up.
10:00pm - Strip for bed, you've had a long day. Ufdah!
Laws Unique To MinnesotaEdit
Snow is a protected species.