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Milford Abernathy

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Miford Hunter "Milf Hunter" Abernathy (born August 27th, 1864) is a prominant American portmanteau ortho-painter, sooth-sayer, and paleo-organsist. Renowned for his four piece pinchback suits, horse swagger, and impossible mustache, he is a regular fixture on "Fox and Friends."


Early Life

Abernathy was the first born son of Fistulous "Fist" Abernathy, a prominant Baltimore opera impresario and Ethyl Cougar Abernathy (nee Mellencamp), a socialite of Bavarian heritage.

In his youth he excelled at math, hiking, and dice. Even as a young shaver, he was a regular fixture at social events of the day, including seasonal ball and pole dances, Games of Modesty, Irish Donkey Shows, and "Wet T-Shirt" Contests (where he was said to have offered "free mustache rides").

Chapel Quiddick Incident

He achieved noteriety at the tender age of 15 when he infamously used a flamable bar dart, constructed of cocktail picks, hair tonic, and a hat pin, to set aflame the little Chapel Quiddick, a quaint prayer chapel built by blind orphans out of tinder and laundry lint. He was made to pay restitution of $15 to the town of Quiddick for damages, fire labor, and water used to put out the fire. He was also ordered to do 3 hours of community service, which he skipped town without doing.

Early Public Life

Already a prominant litigator, Abernathy began his public life as an Alderman in the town of Travelocity, New Hampshire where he quickly became Chair of the Original Gangsta Committee, and a ranking member of the Anti-Immigrant Commission. While critics decryed his political stylings as inauthentic, he cited his commitment to the "Four Elements" as well as to guns, the rearing of hounds and bitches, and bling as proof of his street credibility.

The great rival of his young political life, Commodore Thadeous Mudbone, even went so far as to label him as "punk assinine" and "a Wankster," charges that the hot-blooded Milf Hunter would not long endure.

Rivalry with Commodore Thadeous Mudbone Mudbone had distinguished himself at the Battle of Compton Bay, and was seen as perhaps the most self-regarded of the monotonous blowhards of thugdom.

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