Michele Bachmann is the Republican Representative of Minnesota's 6th congressional district. She has verified God selected her (really!) to succeed previous Republican Mark Kennedy, who vacated the seat after the rate of home foreclosures in his district rose dramatically. Mrs. Bachmann reported that she fasted for three days, asking the Almighty for his permission to run for Congress. Apparently, the King of Kings gave her the go ahead on the second day of the fast. It is unknown why she and her allegedly heterosexual husband, Marcus, continued their fast for the third day. "Its, like, all I have to do is want something," said Representative Bachmann, "and God, in His infinite Wisdom, always gives me permission to give it a try." Like Norm Coleman (who is, unfortunately, Jewish, but still an honorary Republican though he won't be taken in the Rapture like most Republicans, and was not, of course, allowed to head the National Republican Senate Committee because of his Biblical taint), she's been sent to help the half Canadian, half liberal state of Minnesota regain its American, 1950s, Southern roots by instilling the values and vision of Ronald Reagan.
Bachmann was born Michele Amble and grew up in Anoka, Minnesota (a.k.a. Lake Woebegone). She is clearly the product of Intelligent Design and not a "redart" as she's fond of saying. However her lack of blond hair makes it unclear whether she shares the pure genetic roots of Ann Coulter.
She became a Business Woman at the age of 5, when she walked in on "Daddy" schtupping her babysitter and found out that "Daddy" would buy her anything and give her money for playing the game "I've got a Secret" and not telling Mommy. Michele soon realized that she could stick it to "Daddy" tha way he was schticking the babysitter and that was her first business venture.
During her High School years, she was a popular cheerleader who was renowned for her talent at sword swallowing, although nobody ever saw her magic act.
Later* it paid for her college education.
- She was accepted to the world-renowned Winona State College (now Winona State University), where God first contacted her and showed her a vision of her future husband, Marcus Bachmann, working on his family’s farm in Wisconsin. (A subsequent vision of her husband at a leather bar in Milwaukee was dismissed by Bachmann as “the work of Satan.”)
Five years years after her first child was born, Mrs. Bachmann decided to become a stay-at-home mom. She has taken in 23 foster children, all of them teenage girls because “there’s no safer place for a teenage girl to be than around Marcus.” She has no recollection whether they used any of them as baby sitters. This effort has in no way benefited the Bachmann family financially; they do it for love.
The Carter MistakeEdit
Michele began dating Marcus Bachmann in 1976 when they were working together for the election of openly "born again Christian" Jimmy Carter. The couple later abandoned their support for Carter after discovering that he was a Democrat.
After Carter became President, Michele and Marcus attended the Christian documentary film “Fetus, Do Yo’ Stuff". Inspired by the film, the couple decided to become sidewalk counselors in an attempt to dissuade women from seeking abortions. They abandoned these efforts as “ineffectual” after picketing in her pumps made Michele's feet hurt. (Marcus, who usually wore flats and support hose, had an easier time of it.)
Marriage, Law school, and ReaganEdit
Michele married Marcus Bachmann in 1978 on his family's dairy farm where they lived and worked for awhile after their marriage. She noticed right away that the sheep always flocked to her husband but didn't like her whole lot.
One morning while she was milking a cow, Jesus appeared to her at the bottom of the bucket and said to her: “Why art thou squirting me? Get thee to law school.”
She enrolled at Coburn School of Law, an affiliate of Oral Roberts University. Bachmann chose to attend Coburn’s unaccredited law school because it was built in accord with “God’s commission to Oral Roberts”, a televangelist.
In 1980 while attending Coburn, Bachmann joined the Republican campaign to elect Ronald Reagan, impressed by the candidate’s divorced status and his campaign promise to use illegal means to secretly arm terrorists. Six years later (1986), Bachmann earned a Juris Doctor. After receiving another message from God, this time to study tax law - Mrs. Bachmann swears on her orphans — went on to earn a Legum Magistra degree.
The arduous task of raising 5 biological children and 23 foster teenage girls revived Mrs. Bachmann’s interest in abortion. She and around 30 other abortion opponents protested a $3 million appropriation to build a county morgue at a local medical center. Bachmann reasoned that it was wrong for the state to tax her for a morgue at a medical center that also performed abortions because “the dead people to be stored at the proposed morgue would undoubtedly be pro-life.”
Mrs. Bachmann said in regard to abortions being legal in America that “in effect, since 1973, I have been a landlord of an abortion clinic, and I don’t like that distinction.” She is presently working on the legal grounds with Alberto Gonzales for stopping abortions based on "in effect dislike".
Charter Schools for DummiesEdit
In 1993, Mrs. Bachmann joined with other parents of Stillwater Minnesota to open a K-12 charter school: The money the school received from public taxes went toward surging Christianity into the curriculum. New, improved courses included:
- “The Bible’s Truth versus the Lies of Science”
- “Geology: Our Six Thousand Year Old Earth”
- “Why Do the Jews Continue To Reject Him?”
- "12 Christian principles"
- The Biology of Fetus Murdering
- Beginning, intermediate, and advanced Creationism
In an attempt to keep the school, Mrs. Bachmann appeared before a concerned group of parents. She angrily attempted to “excommunicate them and all their sinful progeny”, but the Democrats had Clinton in the White House.
Opposition to "Profile of Learning" and "School-to-Work" policiesEdit
Bachmann began to have difficulty with the foster children placed in her care. She was often puzzled by the behaviors and attitudes exhibited by these teen girls (e.g. giggling whenever they were threatened with “a good old-fashioned ass whuppin’”). Bachmann finally concluded that their problems were the fault of the Public School system rather than due to any personal failings in her or any of the other individuals involved.
The Profile of Learning was a program of graduation standards in Minnesota. The program was controversial with local conservatives because it would have required students to show that they had actually learned something while at school. Bachmann and others also criticized the Profile for focusing "on attitudes, values and beliefs of students, and teaching controversial secular values like “don’t steal” and "put down that gun" as part of the regular school curriculum.
Bachmann also opposed Minnesota's School-to-Work program. School-to-Work was enacted so that Minnesota could get additional Federal funds by complying with the School To Work Opportunities Act passed by Congress in 1994, but Bachmann and other local education activists claimed that it was “a thinly disguised conspiracy by Federal government officials to indoctrinate our children with the principles of world socialism and fatten them up with publicly funded lunch programs so that they could later be taken away in black helicopters and sold as “human livestock” to hungry big-headed aliens operating out the basement of Area 51.”
Gaining support of Local Religious Conservative Think-TankEdit
Bachmann's opposition to the Profile and School To Work caught the attention of an organization called the Local Religious Conservative Think Tank (or LRCTT, pronounced “lur-k-tih-tih”.) Like Bachmann, the LRCTT advocates equal time for Intelligent Design creationism theory in the science classes and maintains that we will all have real pet dinosaurs when we get to heaven. LRCTT opposes gay marriage, saying: "Legalizing 'marriage' for homosexual couples will push the homosexual indoctrination agenda forward very far and very fast and this will ultimately lead to unsupervised dancing.”
LRCTT represented the feeling of many Christian social conservatives that public school education programs are in reality covert attacks on their faith, particularly the gym classes. At a seminar featuring Bachmann, a LRCTT director spoke of the federal education reforms passed by a Republican president and Congress as “a conspiracy against Christianity…Enemies of Christianity in the United States government are even now training our children to accept a future new one-world, globalized, politically correct society incompatible with our founders’ Christian worldview. They are replacing traditional education with federal indoctrination so that our kids will end up exported from this Earth to be the slaves of the secret technocracy who have built underground bases on the dark side of the moon—“ but then the men with the nets came in and got him again.
Throughout Bachmann's political career groups like LRCTT have been her strongest local supporters. Most of these groups have a tax-exempt status under 501c(4) & 501c(3) tax laws and many receive free medication. Bachmann for her part continues to direct anyone seeking her views on public education reform to LRCTT's website (http://www.theyrecomingtotakeusawayhahatheyrecomingtotakeusawayhohoheeheehaha.com)
Fighting The Public School CurriculumEdit
Bachmann and her supporters believe that public schools are teaching an “anti-Christian” worldview. In particular she objected to the sex education curriculum and proposed an Abstinence Only approach that “discouraged masturbation on demand (except in cases where the life of the mother was in danger.)”
Bachmann also lobbied for introduction of Intelligent Design creationism into the state’s public school science curriculum to balance the lie of evolution. She argued that it was “impossible for dinosaurs who can sing and dance like Barney to have evolved through random chance.”
Bachmann regularly asserts that homosexuals are seeking to infiltrate public schools. “Our children are the prize for this community,” she warned. In support of her claim that homosexual values were being taught to elementary school children as part of the curriculum, Bachmann produced hidden camera videotape of a kindergarten teacher instructing her students to re-decorate the classroom and re-arrange its furniture.
Bachmann also made a high-profile attempt to remove a controversial children’s book from the elementary school reading list. The book, entitled “King and King,” purports to acquaint children with the concept of adult homosexuality by telling the story of two kings who get married. Though Bachmann’s attempt to ban the book was unsuccessful, she did manage to get some of the book’s more explicit sequels banned: “Two Kings and a Pair of Queens”, “Two Kings With Jacks to Open”, and the author’s condemnation of anti-homosexual violence, “A Straight Beats Two Kings.”
Running for School BoardEdit
In 1999 Bachmann made her first electoral bid, as a candidate for a seat on the School Board in Stillwater, Minnesota. The race was considered controversial because: 1) Bachmann and four other conservative candidates were endorsed by the GOP in what had always been a traditionally nonpartisan race, 2) Bachmann and other conservative candidates for School Board didn’t have any children attending public school in the district (preferring to home school or private school) 3) Bachmann and the other four conservative candidates did not openly display their hatred of public education. they were, in fact, stealth candidates. meaning, they were not candid about their position regarding public education. only through the due diligence of a group of parents in stillwater, minnesota were they exposed to be the interlopers they were.
Bachmann and the other candidates were defeated at the polls, but the race raised her political profile among her future “base” (pro-life creationist evangelical voters who fear that socialist homosexual imperial stormtroopers are coming to take away their handguns and sodomize them.)
Representing Minnesota's 6thEdit
THE EVIL OF "HOOT SMALLEY" On April 27, 2009, Representative Bachmann set the historical record straight, noting during a speech before Congress (yes, she blurts these things out in public) that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt ushered in the Great Depression by using his presidential powers several years before he even became president to ram through legislation named after semi-famous country and western crooner, Hoot Smalley.
LIBERAL "SCIENCE" IS MISLEADING - Representative Bachmann, in another public display, demonstrated her vast knowledge of and facility with science by explaining that, because carbon dioxide exists in nature, adding tons of carbon dioxide unnaturally cannot possibly have an effect on the global environment. In fact, the more the better! It has been suggested that, since arsenic occurs naturally in nature, Mrs. Bachmann should try ingesting pounds of it to prove that a naturally occurring substance causes no harm regardless of amount. One should note that the response by Representative Blumenauer was too long. He stated that "My good friend, the gentle lady from Minnesota, doesn't think . . ." That statement by itself was sufficient without embellishment.
The political and intellectual genius of Mrs. Bachmann is obviously self-evident in this list of important, inciteful, and powerfully moving quotes:
§ (Gay marriage) is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that.
“During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.”
I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?
I want people in Minnesota armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back.”
Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.
“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”
Does that mean that someone's 13-year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus? That night, mom and dad are never the wiser.
[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said she has even said she is trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that 2,000 years ago.
A woman (Terri Schiavo) was healthy. There was brain damage, there was no question. But from a health point of view, she was not terminally ill.
I think there is a point where you say enough is enough to government intrusion. …Does the federal government really need to know our phone numbers?
“Unelected bureaucracies will decide what we can and cant get in future health insurance policy. Thats why theyre called death panels.
This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn't pass.
Unfortunately, the Census data has become very intricate, very personal, a lot of the questions that are asked. I know for my family, the only question we will be answering is how many people are in our home. We won't be answering any information beyond that, because the Constitution doesn't require any information beyond that.
And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge will say to little children that you can't say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.
Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man!?
It is horrific to know that in the African American community, 50 percent of all African American pregnancies in the United States end in abortion, 50 percent. That is a genocide of African Americans of the United States. It should not be. There are Americans all across this country who would love to adopt African American babies, but they can't because 50 percent of all African American pregnancies today are ending in abortion.
If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.
I'm very concerned about the international moves they're making, particularly … moving the United States off the dollar and onto a global currency, like Russia and China are calling for.
Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of 'The Lion King' for instance, and a teacher might say, 'Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?' The message is: I'm better at what I do, because I'm gay.
There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.
I don't know where they're going to get all this money because we're running out of rich people in this country.
This is an earthquake issue. This will change our state forever. Because the immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.
We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.
I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence.
'“If we look at American history, between 1942 and 1947, the data that was collected by the Census Bureau was handed over to the FBI and other organizations at the request of President Roosevelt, and that's how the Japanese were rounded up and put into the internment camps. I'm not saying that that's what the Administration is planning to do, but I am saying that private personal information that was given to the Census Bureau in the 1940s was used against Americans to round them up, in a violation of their constitutional rights, and put the Japanese in internment camps.
“Lady Liberty and Sarah Palin are lit by the same torch.”
“The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. Its all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax.”
“Carbon dioxide is natural, it is not harmful, it is a part of Earth's lifecycle. And yet we're being told that we have to reduce this natural substance, reduce the American standard of living, to create an arbitrary reduction in something that is naturally occuring in Earth.”
“The President of the United States will be taking a trip over to India that is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day.”
“I just take the Bible for what it is, I guess, and recognize that I am not a scientist, not trained to be a scientist. I'm not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but I'm not a scientist.”
The Battle Against The Illegal Alien Trying To Steal Her Job!Edit
Michele was able to hold off this assault on her innocence and seat!
Now, she hopes to spread her wealth of knowledge around in another committee!
You go Michele!
In addition to her autograph, photo, and video collection of The Greatest President EVER, Mrs. Bachmann enjoys kissing grabbing and molesting him when they meet. She also just loves the music of Anita Bryant.
- Bachmann and Bush meet
- The New York Times can't find a stained dress
- Bachmann and President Bush video
- Housing And Racial Philosophies
- Christian Violence Against Heathens
- Supporting our troops with bootstraps
Mrs. Bachmann and her husband, Marcus (who Mrs. Bachmann insists is heterosexual, more or less) are avid teabaggers. They engage in teabagging at home, on the campaign trail, in the green room of Fox (Godly) News, and in front of the foster children they've been able to keep track of. Mrs. Bachmann strongly recommends that Godly, conservative parents encourage their children to begin teabagging as early in life as possible by inviting the children to join in while their parents are teabagging. Mrs. Bachmann has proposed making the teaching of teabagging mandatory in public schools, noting that religious private schools have engaged in the practice for decades.
Harrison BachmannUnfortunately we have received the sad news that Harrison was recently kidnapped, brainwashed, and force to gay marry some dude. He is now a hardcore libural and terrorist agent. Michele was heartbroken and she was forced to disown him.
Bachmann for The PresidencyEdit
Elimination of Affirmative ActionEdit
Bachmann's first agenda would be to eliminate Affirmative Action and instead replace it with a reliable and working system that would be beneficial for black people, it has been time tested and has high approval ratings with White Southerners so you know it will become very popular soon:
slavery a free labor, free housing, free edjuskashun, free market solution for the benefit of the black populace. They are getting so much free stuff.
Other Great MichellesEdit
HOLY SH#T! MICHELE BACHMANN IS A SEKRET JOO!Edit
According with reliable sources from the mormon guy, Michele Bachmann is actually a mossad agent sekret joo sent to America to take over the White House to implement a Zionist agenda. Clearly Bachmann will lose the white vote.
- Official Biography!
- Wisdom From Princess Michele
- I Agree With Michelle Bachmann
- Michele Bachmann brings more campaign donations to
- Michelle Bachmann crusade against the US Census gains more support
- Real Americans launches website to help Michele Bachmann's election!
- lubural lezbian bear-lover challenges True American Hero
- Michele Bachmann to visit Sarah Palin
- Bachmann for 2012!
- Michele demands government to keep their greasy paws from her body! Yeah, Her Body Her Choice... to Keep it Pure!
- Bachmann calls for a National Day of prayer to defeat Socialized Medicine!
- Michele Bachmann find new political ally
- Michele calls for Real America
- Bachmann to choose God as her running mate!
- Michele Bachmann to be crowned Queen of the Republican Party
- Michele Bachmann wins more supporters
- Michele Bachmann Celebrates the capture of evil census man
- Bachmann to start her own Christian Punk Band and end Christian discrimination in schools
- Michele Bachmann fights off communist bill to mandate abortion clinics on America's schools
- Bachmann to topple mooslim tyrant!
- Michelle Bachmann to sail new ship
- Bachmann terrifies democrats
- Michele Bachmann
destroys Patriot Act by accidentrallies the base!
- Michele Bachmann: Homeless are not real Americans anyway. And they dont vote either
- Bachmann's Wish List
- Michele Bachmann is no Welfare Queen! That's a lie!
- Michele Bachmann to win 2010 election!
- Democrats to steal Michele's seat!
- Michele Bachmann continues Glorious Fight against evil census!
- Michele Bachmann 4th Greatest American of 2009
- Michele Bachmann to rename our Nation: Amaricas!
- Greatest Plan to save America
- Michele Bachmann Demands Obama to use His Imperial Dictatorial Powah to Seize Free Oil. Declares Spill Not The Free Markets Problem: "Wall Street Doesnt Regulate Mother Nature
- Bachmann against our
Chinese Masters New World Order Masters
- Slavery is Back! And This Time is Whitey Time!!!
- Michele Bachmann: Silly gays, Civil Rights is for Black People
- Michele! The Musical
- Bachmann calls mommy for help
Michele Bachmann to be rewarded for the long years of serviceSorry Michele, you lack the proper credential: real balls.
- Michele Bachmann to be crowned "Queen of Tea Baggers"
- Michele Bachman candidacy for Chairmanship stolen
- Michele Bachmann to address the Nation
- Michele Bachmann to bring more Party Unity
- Tea Bagging Queen already making buzz!
- a New Rebuttal from a Realer American
- Michele Bachmann to write Real History book
- Michele to liberate our troops from the iron grip of socialism: bootstraps!
Veterans for Bachmann
- Michelle Bachmann defeats formidable opponent by default
- Micele Bachmann defeats communist traitor! Victory for Real America
Michele Bachmann is the Anti-christ!Lies!
- Liberal media terrified of Michele Bachmann
- Michele Bachmann reveals sekret on how to make tons of money
- Michele Bachmann once tried to infiltrate the IRS: a tale of heroics
- Glittering Barbarians invade Mr. Bachmann's clinic
- Michele Bachmann's words of wisdom
- Michele Bachmann celebrates birthday with the Ghost of Elvis Presley
- Michele Bachmann to tirelessly work to expel the Japanese
- Good news, Bachmann could make an easy $10,000! For free!
- Big Government uses evil vaccine to keep populace under control. Bachmann to receive award of the year for her undercover work!
- Bachmann and Manson for 2012!
- Michele Bachmann replaces old staff with new staff!
- The Chinese sekret of less regulation