Mel Martinez
is a United States Senator
for the state of Florida


Senator Mel Martinez (R-FL) in near-rapture moment

Melquiades "Mel" Martinez is Florida's Republican US Senator and General Chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), until his retirement in 2007.

Remarkable InsightEdit

In 2005, Martinez showed his remarkable grasp of important issues when he had his staff draw up a "talking points" memo about the Terri Schiavo case. Martinez emphasized the political advantages to Republicans of intervening in that case.

Left BehindEdit

After the rapture of Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, Martinez became one of the three most anti-gay US Senators -- an important consideration in finding a replacement for former RNC Chair Ken Mehlman.

Protecting The Nation's Children: The StatesEdit

Martinez understands that quaint old Pre Nine-Eleven notions like "states' rights" have no place in the new Republican doctrine. He understands that the states can't be trusted to decide on important issues like terrorism and gay marriage because there are places out there like Massachusetts and New Jersey where people have elected activist judges.

"It isn't good enough to say, 'Leave it up to the states.'" Martinez explained. "...If we leave it up to the states we will see the erosion of marriage that we've seen by activist courts, which we otherwise will not see if we protect the institution of marriage at the federal level."

As both a US Senator and head of the Republican Party's vital electioneering and fundraising arm, Martinez is now in a position to protect Real Americans from these kinds of dangers.

Hates CastroEdit

Like a lot of people in Florida, Martinez was born in Cuba. When he was 15, young Melqe hopped onto a boat owned by a wealthy Miami-Cuban businessman and zipped across the water to Freedom in America. He wasn't really an "illegal alien" since he was escaping from tyranny and from his parents who were kind of strict. This is an important distinction even though it's confusing to many people.

But the boat trip began a long and mutually beneficial relationship between Martinez and his wealthy sponsors.

All of this makes Martinez what some people who notice these kinds of things call "Hispanic." This, of course, has nothing to do with why he was chosen as spokesmodel for the GOP. After all, The Republican party still doesn't believe in affirmative action, but if it's all just coincidence? That'll work.

Some Republicans argued after the 2006 Election that having Martinez as the Party spokesman might help since Hispanics mysteriously abandoned by the GOP during the 2006 Election. Why that happened was a subject of debate among Republicans after the election.

Working In A Big Government DepartmentEdit

Before he became a Senator, Martinez was Secretary for the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). That's not a popular department in the Bush administration, but Martinez did his best. Some people accused the department while he was there of a series of embezzlement frauds that translated into a gaping hole of $59 billion from that department’s finances. But hey, that's $59 billion that wasn't being spent by "big government."

GOPlog uproarEdit

Although Martinez was reportedly the favorite of both the Greatest President Ever and of his brain, Karl Rove, his appointment to the RNC wasn't greeted with enthusiasm by all members of the GOP. One blogger asked about him, "How do you say 'Miers' in Spanish?"* Nativist conservatives noted that Martinez supports letting other non-American-speaking people into the country -- even some who are not escaping an evil dictator like Martinez did when he was 15. But that's not the kind of message that some want to see coming from the spokesman for the Party.

*The correct answer is "Alberto Gonzales" not "Tito Puente" as previously reported.

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