Matt Drudge

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Matt Drudge
is a Beautiful Republican
God Bless America
Matt Drudge agrees with Rush,
Halfrican-Americans must declare their Whiteness!

Matt Drudge invented the world's first internets tube. In fact, before there was The Colbert Report on cable tubevision, there was The Drudge Report on the Internets.


Matt likes hats, so don't make any "Brokeback Mountain" jokes. In 2009, he confirmed that he does not love sex with men.

Matt Invents The InternetsEdit

He grabbed a section of hose from his family's farm in Podunk, Iowa and used it to delicately recite news stories to his neighbors. Matt's news reports became so popular, he left his small rural home to read news to people in The Big City.

The Drudge ReportEdit

The Drudge Report (pronounced the American way because he didn't have to deal with writers) came about shortly after his invention. It serves several main purposes:

  • Help cure liberals.
  • Fill the tubes with truthiness instead of sodomite videos.
  • Provide relief for thousands of Americans suffering from "good, old-fashioned typewriter layout" nostalgia
  • Helps Nikki Finke fill out all those comment forms at her internets tube.

Although his influence isn't as great as Papa Bear, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, or Ann Coulter, he has been seen with them and has dedicated himself to the destruction of liberals and other enemy combatants.

Matt's Life in The Big CityEdit

Since Matt is a good, God-fearing, America-loving, Christian America-Firster, American, he was not prepared for the depravity he was soon thrust into in The Big City.

At first, the Gays, liberals, and the pace of The Big City were too much for Matt. For the first few months Matt wasn't able to read news at anyone, and he felt homesick.

Matt's Big BreakEdit

Despite what you may have heard
Matt Drudge
Is totally not gay!

What Matt didn't realize was that The Big City was very much like an opera: people screamed at the top of their lungs about everything. And since Matt never went to anything gay he would never have known exactly how loud The Big City could be.

Matt set out to overcome the background noise with a tube of such magnitude he was able to scream news to all 5 boroughs.

And a star was born.

Matt's Influence on The InternetsEdit

Everything Matt does, everyone else has copied. From his infallible investigative reporting to his huge internets tube (did we mention The Drudge Report?), Matt has pioneered the blogosphere for America and unborn Americans.

Thank you, Matt. And God Bless America.

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