Mark Martin
wakes up in the morning and pisses excellence!

Mark Martin
is Very Manly™.
United States Army General Mark Martin is the manliest driver on the NASCAR circuit, despite being older than time itself. He drives the #6 Ford sponsored by the United States Army, Viagra, and the AARP.

Early CareerEdit

Being older than time, and a good buddy of Henry Ford himself, Martin was chosen to front Ford's NASCAR program in the 1980s. Being the most knowledgeable driver of his time, he won all of the championships that Dale Earnhardt, Richard Petty, and Darrell Waltrip did not. His cars were sponsored by beer, coffee, and motor oil companies.


After having the 1990 championship stolen from him by Jesus (angry about a bad hand Mark dealt him in a NASCAR drivers' poker game) and given to Dale Earnhardt, Martin sadly won no championships in the 1990s, despite winning every race in October 1994. Earnhardt, Alan Kulwicki, Jeff Gordon, Dale Jarrett, and Ricky Bobby won all of the 1990s era championships. After 1999, his sponsors became angry with him for not winning any championships, and decided to leave him after 2000.


After a dull 2000, Martin picked up a new sponsor in Viagra. Viagra boosted Martin's performance, helping him win the 2002 NASCAR Championship in a close battle with Ricky Bobby. He won the championship again the next two years, first as a driver, and in 2004 as an owner of a Ford team. Martin picked up a new sponsor in 2006, in the form of AARP, who had also gotten into racing that year with Sterling Marlin. The similar names and cars confused many drunken redneck fans. In 2007, Martin decided to skip half the races, because he was training to join the Army, his new sponsor. Within six minutes of his first training exercise, he was appointed a General in the Army. During weeks he doesn't race, Martin fights terrorists bare-handed. He has never lost a fight.

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