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Maggie Gallagher

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Margaret Gallagher Srivastav (born September 14, 1960), better known by her working name Maggie Gallagher, is an American writer, commentator and a rabid anti-gay bigot.

She writes a weekly syndicated column for Universal Press Syndicate where she usually bitches about how gay people are always ruining everything. She particularly resents being labeled a bigot. Just because she has an unnatural obsession with persecuting Gays and wants to create laws that would make their existence a criminal offense, why the hate? Can't we just agree to disagree?

Occasionally she complains comments about other things, like the fact that a woman who has sex with a married man cannot be charged with a criminal offense [1], or that getting breast implants is something only a gold digging, sleazy whore would do.[2] Well her boobs are probably naturally large like the rest of her so she doesn't need implants. She went through a phase where she hated porn. She researched this subject tirelessly. Why was she so attracted to it? She worked her fingers to the bone researching many, many, many films until she had an epiphany. All porn is fantasy. It can't be real because the women were actually enjoying sex and were "always inordinately pleased. That's why they call it fantasy". Everyone knows that enjoyable sex where both partners are pleased is only something that happens in fantasies...right? [3]


She has published five boring books full of discredited reports and statistics that all have the same message "Marriage is the BEST thing EVER! But only if you're a heterosexual". Gallagher is opposed to gay anything, so don't get her started on gay marriage.

Gallagher serves as president of the "Institute for Marriage and Public Policy", a nonprofit organization dedicated to making Gay people's lives miserable. When I said nonprofit, I meant Maggie personally keeps 42% of the donations for her salary. She is also the president of the National Organization for Marriage, which is pretty much the same as that other thing I mentioned, but with better graphics. [4]

The National Organization for Marriage is usually abbreviated "NOM". Most people use "nom, nom, nom" to represents the sound made when someone is eating something and really enjoying it...there's irony (or whatever) to that, but I leave it to you, the reader to figure it out...

She is a Roman Catholic, so not letting her hate Gay people is violating her religious freedom (it's true, just ask Bill Donohue). She has socially conservative "values", (if you consider hate a value).[5]

BiographyEdit

Gallagher is from Lake Oswego, Oregon, where she attended Lakeridge High School. She earned a B.A. in Religious Studies from Yale University.

Gallagher is a strong advocate for "abstinence until and within marriage only" being codified into law (she's against same-sex marriage, so in Maggie's ideal world gay sex will happen...never) and opposes use of birth control and condoms, even as preventative measures against HIV or other STD's. Yet somehow got pregnant, by a man with what I can only assume was a severe case of beer goggles (seriously, have you seen her?). Being a single, unwed mother naturally qualified her as an expert on marriage... Eventually, she did get married to a Raman Srivastav in 1993, although strangely no one has ever seen him or them together and no photographs exist of the alleged wedding. I mean for a marriage "expert" who has marriage "rallies" (hetero marriage rallies, thank you very much!) it seems a little suspicious that at EVERY event she has to invent some excuse why he couldn't be there...

It all sounds like that time in 9th grade when I made up that I had a girlfriend in Canada...

Adding to the speculation that Mr. Srivastav (no, that doesn't sound made up) is fictional, Gallagher does not wear a wedding or engagement ring (see picture, two hands, 0 rings. Oh, by the way...Raman Srvstvn is Hindu. It's true, Ms. Holier than thou Catholic is allegedly married to an idol worshiper who prays to many, many Gods. According to the Bible, worshiping idols and more than one God is the same as worshiping demons. Mags doesn't mind that her demon worshiping (alleged) husband will spend eternity in Hell (apparently with a lot of gays). Although after reading about her sex life, an eternity in Hell sounds like a cake walk.

I know you think I'm making this up to make this article interesting but here is a direct quote "I've been exposed to a lot of different prayers, what with a New Age mom, nonreligious siblings, my own Catholic faith, a Buddhist sister-in-law, and a whole pack of Hindu relations (including my husband)." [6]

Maggie takes (some parts of) the bible seriously, for example Leviticus, where Maggie's favorite rule about man-on-man sex is condemned. Most of the other sins in Leviticus are things like, don't eat shrimp or bacon (Maggie does, obviously, look at her), don't wear mixed fiber blends (exhibit A red poly/cotton seperate from TJ Maxx), giraffe meat is kosher, mutilate your child's penis, no fucky-fucky when Aunt Flo's around, when you can have sex with your slaves (anytime), how many sex slaves are appropriate (as many as you can afford to feed), some MORE stuff about not worshiping idols and no disabled, permanently ill, dwarves, near or farsighted, hunchbacked, testicularly damaged or superfluously blemished can become a priest. All very wise rules that have stood the test of time and have remained as relevant today as 5,000 years ago when men were riding dinosaurs.


Her big break came when Dan Quayle got all pissy objected to the fact that fictional television character, Murphy Brown got fictionally knocked up and Gallagher wrote an op-ed for The New York Times, called "An Unwed Mother for Quayle", because naturally, being the insufferable hypocrite good Christian that she is, it got her pissed off too.[7]

Carrie PrejeanEdit

When Perez Hilton asked Ms. California, Carrie Prejean about gay marriage, she said something like "no offense, but gays don't deserve to be treated like humans, Jesus hates them", Maggie, who once wrote a column blaming gays for choosing to be gay because everyone (including her), was "of two sexes" (she meant "bisexual", of "two sexes" means you have both male and female reproductive organs). Anyways, she noticed the young, beautiful, Carrie Prejean. In fact, all she could talk about for like two months was what a young, beautiful girl she is and what a dick that queeny, old Perez Hilton is (and for once she was right, Perez is a douche).

I agree with Maggie, Prejean is pretty hot...but maybe that's just one of my "two sexes" speaking, (my lips are sealed as to which one, wink, wink). I definitely prefer her over Perez if it was one of those "shag, kill or marry" scenarios..the irony (or whatever) that my only two options are "shag" or "kill" thanks to the kind efforts of people like Mags...

When it was revealed that Prejean had breast implants, ( I KNOW!, remember how Gallagher is so anti-breast implants? ) I imagine Gallagher channeling the voice of Lenny
File:Yetiduck.jpg
from Of Mice and Men (The Abominable Snow Rabbit from Bugs Bunny if you don't get the Steinbeck reference) saying something like "and I will hug them and squeeze them and pet them and pat them and rub them and stroke them and..." but she didn't say anything about them. Prejean said getting breastises is cool with Jesus because she "don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants". http://quotes.whyfame.com/carrie-prejean-the-bible-allows-breast-implants-70

Then when it was revealed that Miss Tits for Jesus had done some nude modeling, Gallagher might have thought, "SO?, bitch gotta get paid somehow!" and let another little inconsistency slide....

Let me just clarify a couple of things. When I say some nude modeling, I mean 30 photos, mostly topless but some showing the "full monty"...and when I said "modeling" I meant Carrie took the pics herself in the mirror..(no judgement, we've all done it (err..right?), maybe not while fueling anti-gay fires to get attention while pretending to be an arbiter of Christian morals).

Then when it was revealed that Ladyfingers Prejean had videotaped herself stuffing her own pink taco, Ms. "Crusade Against Pornography" was probably thinking..."could happen to anyone. The important thing is she's a beautiful, young girl that hates gays...and by the way, where can I get that video?".

Except it turned out that Miss Masturbate for Jesus produced, directed and starred in an entire 8 volume series of solo fun times...well..that's when Gallagher and Prejean finally had to face up to the reality of the situation and blame everything on the Liberal Media and Larry King, who clearly behaved "very, very inappropriate"...

Bitch Gotta Get PaidEdit

In 2005, it was revealed by Howard Kurtzman of the Washington Post that Gallagher (or Srivastav or Mxyplyzyk or whatever) was being paid by the Bush administration to promote his wack-a-doo marriage agenda but hadn't disclosed this information. Besides the fact that this is illegal, it is also an ethical breach of journalism, as Gallagher herself explained in 1997 when she wrote about ethics in journalism, (Gallagher considers herself a journalist, not a pundit, not a columnist, not an activist... did I mention she's wrong about almost everything?).

When questioned about this breach, she channeled her inner Cartman from Southpark (who she reminds me of in a lot of ways) and said "Did I violate journalistic ethics by not disclosing it? I don't know. You tell me. ...frankly, it never occurred to me".


"I don't know, you tell me?", lovely...can't you just hear it? Picture this, you catch someone stealing your wallet and ask them "were you just trying to steal my wallet?" and instead of apologizing they get all pissy with you, because to the criminal mind, there is always a justification and the criminal always sees themselves as the "real" victim.

Later, when people started pointing out that a "journalist" that made her living pointing out societies lack of "morals" was a little immoral herself, she put on her Sunday school shoes and wrote this bullshit "I should have disclosed a government contract when I later wrote about the Bush marriage initiative. I would have, if I had remembered it. My apologies to my readers." Yeah, that's believable...The President of the United States personally hires you to do a job and pays you over 40k, and you forgot...


The kicker to this episode is that it just proves how stupid brilliant Bush is and how morally corrupt Gallagher is.

If Bush never paid Mags a tuppence she would have promoted the plan anyway, because Mags LOVES making her bigotry morals codified by laws so she can explain how Gays are the REAL bigots and poor innocent old Mags is just a victim of those mean old Gay activists (that she has blamed for anything and everything, including "threatening New Hampshire Democrats who don't vote for same-sex marriage with not getting on primaries". It turned out to be a lie, but she never apologized (did she do anything wrong? I don't know, You tell me??) . Ironically her organization NOM threatened Republican candidates who don't vote against same-sex marriage with the same thing and it's on record "If you try to elect pro-gay-marriage Republicans, we will Dede Scozzafava them." (Scozzafava is a former Republican state senator from New York who was subjected to a viscous smear campaign by fellow Republicans because she supported liberal causes).

So Bush basically paid for the cow even though the cow herself was delivering the milk

for free.

ReferencesEdit

  1. Template:Http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=ZWFlMTQ5N2Q0NmQ5ZDkzMzRkOGIzNTQwY2QwMzI5ZmY=
  2. Template:Http://townhall.com/columnists/MaggieGallagher/2001/01/04/girls just wanna have boob jobs
  3. Template:Http://townhall.com/columnists/MaggieGallagher/2001/05/24/the porn paradox
  4. Template:Cite web
  5. {{http://www.conservativechronicle.com/default.asp?sourceid=&smenu=94&twindow=Default&mad=No&sdetail=&wpage=&skeyword=&sidate=&ccat=&ccatm=&restate=&restatus=&reoption=&retype=&repmin=&repmax=&rebed=&rebath=&subname=&pform=&sc=2048&hn=conservativechronicle&he=.com Conservative Chronicle}}
  6. [1]
  7. An Unwed Mother For Quayle

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