ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO. has teamed up with the estimable Lou Dobbs to provide our readers with this much-needed service. Much as the Emergency Broadcast System exists to alert America in the event of a broad-scale emergency, The Lou Dobbs Tie-o-meter™ works to keep you informed of the precise level of threat to America's borders.
"The Lou Dobbs Tie-o-meter™"

White The Rapture
Lou Dobbs White Everything is fine
High Yellow Dark-skinned people who can "pass" may have been working or at the very least applying for Hard Work
Yellow Japanese (or other Asian) company is improving some technology
Red The coming Russian (or Chinese) economic threat
Milk Chocolate US/Mexican border under siege
Dark Chocolate US/Mexican border border under siege close to an election
Black Black people are moving in next door
Lavendar Gay immigrants are ruining marriages
Green Aliens are coming
Pale Green Mexicans are coming and they're bringing leprosy

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