A libertarian is something like a Republican, except different. More precisely, libertarians are defined by the following equation:
The Founding Fathers
As Ayn Rand's gut taught us, the libertarian movement's roots can be traced back all the way to the Founding Fathers, who were staunch supporters of factoids, pot, big powerful bosses, and gratuitous unclothed girl-boobs. Libertarians, therefore, are the true intellectual heirs of the Founders, the torch-bearers of True Classical Liberalism — in contrast to the self-styled "liberals" who have treasonously usurped the "liberalism" label.
David Nolan and the Libertarian Party
One fine day, a man named David Nolan decided to unite all the intellectual heirs of True Classical Liberalism into a political party. To do this, he needed a way to identify the True Libertarians from the huge sea of Americans out there. From the equation given above, one would think the most obvious way would be to use this questionnaire:
- Do you like smoking pot? Yes/No
- Do you like ogling at pictures of hot sexy gun-toting naked chicks? Yes/No
- Do you disbelieve in the Baby Jesus? Yes/No
- (if you answered Yes to all of the above) Other than all that, are you in fact a Republican? Yes/No
However, Nolan's gut quickly realized that this would not do. He therefore took the above questions and corrected them to account for the liberal bias inherent in reality — and the result was a 10-question "Nolan Quiz".
In the Nolan Quiz, each respondent was asked to answer 10 questions, and a libertarian soothsayer would then tally up the answers and plot the result on the "Nolan Chart", an esoteric diagram which looks like it came straight out of the Qabbalah. From this, the soothsayer would divine the respondent's political leanings.
In any case, the Nolan Quiz turned out to be a mixed success in the political arena. Many hidden libertarians, after taking the quiz, immediately emerged from the closet and loudly proclaimed their libertarianism to the world. They immediately started to openly ogle at pictures of naked chicks with guns, naked chicks without guns, naked libertarian texts, and the naked Constitution. But just as immediately, many of them discovered that
- the Republican party and support base was much, much, much bigger than the Libertarian party;
- the Democratic party was too pantsy, and besides they were treasonous;
- similarly, all the other parties were either treasonous, or not macho enough, or both; and
- endless mountains of falafel await those who go Republican.
Indeed, the allure of falafel was just too hard to resist, and most libertarians switched camps and rooted for the Republicans instead (though these new-found Republicans insist to this very day that they have nonconformistically transcended the Left-Right divide and are in fact not Republicans, even if they eventually vote Republican).
A few libertarians actually stayed with Nolan's party though. (Many of them would run for office on a "I'm a college student!" platform, and lose, and spend the rest of their days whoring for attention on the Internets.)
Ye Olde Chronicles of ye Epic Anti-Idiotarian Wars
The Libertarians' Struggle Against Everyone Else came to a head just before the Iraq War. To defeat the enemies of libertarianism (i.e. all non-libertarians), the webmaster — what is his name again? — of the Little Green Footballs warblog invented a powerful bloviatory weapon, the Anti-Idiotarian Missile. The libertarian software pundit Eric S. Raymond bought truckloads of these weapons, and in no time the macho-smacho Republicans and the namby-pamby librulz alike were being bombarded with "idiotarian" epithets from all fronts.
The weapons inflicted little damage on the Republicans however, because a design glitch caused them not to hit war supporters (and because, well, Republicans are macho).
The libertarians' atheist and almost terrorist attacks on God-loving Republicans would ordinarily have condemned them to a lifetime of imprisonment in Gitmo. However, the all-merciful God spared them from this punishment, on account of their support for the Iraq War.
Famous libertarians throughout the ages include
- Friedrich Nietzsche's gut;
- the Founding Fathers — all the Founders were Libertarian, except when they were not;
- Albert Einstein, scientist and science author;
- Robert Heinlein, science fiction author;
- Ayn Rand, pulp fiction author;
- Murray Rothbard, who did not like being told that Mozart was a Red;
- David Nolan, of course;
- Friedrich von Hayek, economist, cognitive psychologist, and free market lover;
- the Little Green Footballs guy;
- Eric Raymond;
- John Popper, Libertarian rocker;
- the guys who created South Park;
- George Costanza;
- actor Kurt Russell; and
- a lot more chicks than this list shows.
- ↑ According to God though, the libertarians are wrong about the pot and the boobs. But that is OK, because God is Merciful and Forgiving. The traitorous mistakes of modern liberals, however, are simply unforgivable.
- ↑ For some critiques of the Nolan Quiz from a Stalinist point of view, see
- ↑ Some libertarians tried to reverse this trend by tempting Godly Republicans to the dark side with guns and pot. But considering that the Republican party had guns and falafel...
- ↑ Rothbard, for example, explained that he voted for the Republican party because it contained a "libertarian" faction which turned out to be anti-libertarian:
- Rothbard, Murray (1994). Newt Gingrich is No Libertarian. The Washington Post.
- ↑ One such libertarian blogger calls herself an "atheist libertarian feminist geek girl", which is a pretty impressive string of buzzwords if you think about it. Here, the term "geek" means someone who watches cheesy TV shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
- ↑ Actually one front, but this is a figure of speech, you know.
- ↑ These chicks have been shown without guns. However, their blogs assure us that they take out their weapons as soon as they get home, and that they immediately get naked and sweaty with them.
- ↑ Not to be confused with Nietzsche the person.
- ↑ Some say that Objectivism is not libertarianism, ergo Ayn Rand is not a libertarian. They are wrong.
- ↑ Not to be confused with Salma Hayek.
- ↑ Popper embodies the spirit of the Founding Fathers by being Libertarian, except when he is not. Then, like all true Libertarians, he is a Republican.
- ↑ But beware: some of the "libertarian chicks" on the Internets may well be horny male pedophiliacs sent out by the Left. You never know.