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Lewis Carroll

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"MY BLUBERRIES FLY SOUTHWEST UNDER THE PLASTIC ORCHARD!"
I kill what I fear and I fear what I don't understand, and I don't understand this.
Be less random and don't make stuff up, use your gut.
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Lewis Carroll
has bad teeth and a funny accent because he is British.
Lewis "The Trip" Carroll
LewisCarroll

The famed writer, not checking out underaged photography subjects

Male American
1913 - 1983
Birthplace America
Religion Colbertology
Education Ph.D. in Truthiness, Yale.
Occupation CIA Caliber Author
Spouse none
Super Powers Absorbing Psychotropic Substances while maintaining faculties of writing.

Lewis Carroll was a British poet and children's author. What most Americans do not know (due to liberals running America's educational system) is how brave and how much Mr. Carroll sacrificed for his country.

Early WorkEdit

After graduating from Yale, Mr. Carroll studied abroad. Unfortunately, while Carroll was far from his beloved America a war broke out and his return was delayed. He worked for Winston Churchill's underground spy network: Belchley Park. Working closely with known gay, and terrorist, Alan Turing.

Here, Carroll learned about cryptograms and other secret code stuff. His work there helped break the "enigma" code as well as breaking IG Farben's corporate codes that put a strangle-hold on American commerce during the war. Once America pwn'ed Hitler for bombing Pearl Harbor, Carroll was allowed to return home to his beloved America.

Working For The CIAEdit

The CIA had watched Carroll during his time at Belchley and liked the cut of his jib. Soon, he was followed night and day and his phone was tapped, the one true way the CIA lets you know how much they like you.

Carroll was flattered and signed up right away.

First CIA AssignmentEdit

After World War 2, Americans just knew there were enemies hiding in the shadows.

The American Government was determined to protect Americans from everything, creating protection agencies for all aspects of daily All-Americana.

One such agency, the CIA, was charged with protecting America's most precious resource: her children.

The CIA worked long and hard searching for and defeating America's enemies and their enemy supporters.

One group the CIA targeted for their hatred toward The Baby Jesus, was Disney.

Disney's Unprovoced Invasion of The Nation of KoreanEdit

The Democratic Industrial Services for National Encouragement of Youths (or Disney for short) had exploited the good, hard work of the American troops by galavanting around the entire planet looking for rich nations to pay for their communist animation services.

One victim of the Disney cooperative was the nation of Korea. Within four months of Disney's arrival in Korea, the nation was split in a bitter civil war.

Before accepting the office of the presidency, President Dwight Eisenhower secretly contacted the CIA chief, Mr. Smith (who worked with him when they fought commies after WWII) to discussed the damage Disney was creating in Korea and what they could do about it. Eisenhower decided that it was too dangerous to allow any more Asian dominos to fall.

Soon after Eisenhower ran for and was elected President. His first act as president was to put a man directly inside the animation beast.


MonkWritingBrightRight

Lewis Carroll
composed at least one non-audiobook book.


Work At DisneyEdit

The CIA needed a real American go-getter to infiltrate the communist descendants of the French family of cartoonists, d'Isney and Carroll was chosen from a list of 1,000 volunteers to infiltrate the cabal.

While working for Disney, Carroll worked in the movie division contributing to such projects as:

  • Willie The Operatic Whale
  • Crazy With The Heat and
  • Johnny Appleseed

He soon caught the eye of the top man himself, Walt Disney.

Walt also liked the cut of Lewis' jib and put him in charge of the cooperative's newest and largest project to date: Alice in Wonderland.

Disney's RevengeEdit

Unbeknownst to Carroll, like most recent "skilled" European professionals, Disney was a former Nazi (real German name: Wollter Künstler), who had escaped war crimes prosecution to work for the corporate bosses who secured their freedom with jobs in America.

Like the evil bastard that he was, instead of immediately whacking Carroll, Disney decided it was best to keep Carroll on, all the better to watch him and eventually fuck his mind up. Being a corporate evil mastermind Walt of course had a plan to benefit financially from his chemical torture. He would use the products of the torture to create the children's animated feature classic Alice in Wonderland.
Alice-disney-caterpillar

Smoking Prepubescent Insects are not good role-models for children.

Carroll was pumped full of hallucenogenic drugs. However, Carroll's truthientiousness was unparralleled in his day, as a result Walt was forced to feed Carroll far more than any normal human could withstand. It took many weeks of continued drugging, sleep depravation, and writing assignments done at imaginary gun point before Carroll was dumped naked onto the Sea World chum disposal barge. He would have been consumed by packs of man eating sharks were it not for the Heroism of Freedom the CIA Dolpin who was clearing the near by waters of sharks (the bears of the sea) in anticipation of Air Force One landing at a near by airport.

In an attempt to deprogram Carroll, the CIA developed their own concoction (Kool-Aid mixed with Jesus Juice) to counter-act Disney's hallucenogines, but to no avail.

No matter how many CIA intterrogators, counselors or doctors Carroll was sent to, Carroll remained trapped in his trance leaving the CIA operatives in tears.


MonkWritingBrightRight

Lewis Carroll
composed at least one non-audiobook book.

The TragedyEdit

Unfortunately, Carroll would never be able to speak, write or communicate properly ever again as evidenced by this news report on the moon landing he wrote for the A.P.:

Jabberwocky, by Lewis Carroll

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One two! One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

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