Lawsuits and Things is a chain of retail outlets offering Americans the legal counsel and guidance they've long been seeking from the activist judges and various liberal scofflaws that have assaulted them all these years.


Lawsuits and Things offers an assortment of packages to meet any financial budget or level of loyalty.

  • "The Scotty" for those who are financially able, but questionable loyalty-wise, this package is our most basic. Lawsuits and Things offers no real legal advice, but will deny ever having known you, which may work in your favor
  • "The Scooter" includes acknowledgment of your existence, you will, however, be required to make an appearance at one (1) show trial. All fines levied are covered, the entire sentence is commuted and an all-expenses paid vacation to Dubai or any of our Arab allies at the conclusion of any public court appearances
  • "Executive Privileges" package. This package includes a Press secretary to take questions from the media without ever answering any of them. Other features include:
    • an attorney general with no functional memory
    • "Get out of Testimony" cards for your entire staff, everyone's spouses (and concubines), interns, and assorted hired help and any other relative (living or deceased) who may have seen you or called you at your place of employment


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