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Lance Armstrong

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Lance Armstrong
has been a guest of The Colbert Report
and got nailed in the process
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LanceArmstrong21407

America's Most Successful One-Balled Midget Cyclist

Lance Armstrong is an American hero. He is the son of Astronaut Neil Armstrong and the brother of Billie Joe Armstrong

He got nut cancer, and then went on to become the owner of France. He also sold a buttload of wristbands that say LiveSTRONG -- not LiveSTRONGER or LiveSTRONGEST. Why? Because that's the way Lance likes it, okay!!!

Despite having a nut removed, leaving him with only one, he still had more than all the men living in France--combined.

In his spare time, Lance likes to go bike riding with George W. Bush.

He dated Sheryl Crow for a while, but dumped her ass because she is a peacenik hippie Commie-loving liberal Hate America Firster. Crow later on developed cancer, leading many to believe that it can be considered a sexually transmitted disease, like herpes or the clap.

Many months later, a controversy in Texas over immunization shots led to the discovery that cervical cancer can indeed be caused by a sexually transmitted virus. So it is true. Let the tale of Lance and Sheryl remind you to never bump uglies with someone who has had chemo.


Tour de ColbertEdit

On February 14, 2007, Lance appeared on The Colbert Report as Stephen's guest. Colbert is taller than Lance. Lance spent time talking about his favorite issue, cancer. Oh yeah, like not only does he got to live with the thing, he's got to talk about it too, on and on and on and on.

Colbert neglected to bring up the Sheryl-Crow-proves-cancer-can-be-sexually-transmitted theory with Lance during his discussion about how to prevent cancer. But Colbert did get in a couple good rips on Armstrong's 835th place finish in the New York Marathon. Legstrong claims to have broken his leg during said Marathon, but the claim is not credible until 6 billion people can prove it. Also he appeared on fox news as the first cyclist on the moon along with Elijah smith and Jim Crow.

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