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Former First Lady and wife of Kennedy killer LBJ, Miss Bird was known as a champion of conservation. She was famous for protecting wildlife dress in a spandex red jumpsuit and a heavy red wool coat, while sporting her impenetrable bouffant hair helmet.
Lady Bird : Wife, Mother, Pod PersonEdit
Lady Bird, or "Bug" as she preferred to be known to her friends, was born in 1912. Her early life was spent in what had been a plantation mansion, where she enjoyed tales about the local country yokels and their many black "friends".
She first married John "Big" Bird in 1954. They had one son, Larry Bird, who went on to fame in the NBA. Following the death of her first husband in a tragic accident gardening a grassy knoll, Lady Bird sought out the meanest, dirtiest, loudest, rudest Texanest man she could find. LBJ filled the order perfectly. They met and married on July 1, 1955. LBJ had his first affair during the wedding ceremony with the Bridesmaid. Countless more were to follow.
Needing time away from LBJ following the death of JFK, Lady Bird went to Vietnam. She flew gunship missions on Huey Cobras. During her time in the war, Lady Bird "pacified" over 100 Commie villages. It became her signature to follow up each brutal mission with the dropping of wildflower seeds over the carnage. While some thought her insane at the time, the rice fields of Vietnam now sport some of the most beautiful patches of wildflowers in the world.
Life after the WhitehouseEdit
After the Whitehouse, Lady Bird devoted her time to her children, wildflowers, birds, plants, ducks, beavers, wombats, pumas, cheetahs, pet rocks, and other wildlife. It was at this time that she began an intimate affair with Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom Host Marlin Perkins.
Following the death of LBJ from a tragic overdose of
grassy knoll lawn fertilizer, Lady Bird married Marlin, and became Lady Bird Johnson Marlin. They had one son together, Jack Hannah. Tragically, Marlin died soon after following a brutal grassy knoll attack on the LBJ ranch.
In the 1980s, Lady Bird went underground. She surfaced in Columbia, Honduras, and El Salvador. It is rumored she led one of the largest wild poppy cartels in the world. After a decade of smuggling and flower production, Lady Bird "retired" from the flower trade in 1991.
Lady Bird Johnson died in 1995. She died again in 1997, 1999, 2005, and 2007. Following her death in 2007, the coroner ordered that her coffin be encased in 10 tons of concrete. The grounds around her crypt have been salted and sprinkled with Holy Water, garlic, and RoundUp grass killer.
Texas Governor Rick Perry read a proclamation at Lady Bird's funeral. "She is not just merely dead. She's really most sincerely dead." Lady Bird expects to be back at the ranch by Christmas for a special Christmas dinner of roast potatoes, stuffing and brains!