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L. Ron Hubbard

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L Ron Hubbard

Hubbard wore an ascott around his neck to keep his head from detaching.

L. Ron Hubbard was a famous science fiction writer, time traveller, and Hollywood wannabe. Hubbard's most famous science fiction work is $cientology. Today, Hubbard is celebrated by such Hollywood "luminaries" as Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

Early LifeEdit

Hubbard was born to an impoverished mother, Old Mother Hubbard, and he never knew his father. The Hubbards were so poor that young L. Ron rarely ate during his childhood.

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"Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, To fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she got there, her cupboard was bare, so she started a fake religion, made millions
and now the dog no longer has thetans."

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~ Hubbard Family Motto


As a result of his deprived childhood, Hubbard developed into an emotionally troubled teenager who often walked in his sleep. One night, an unidentified jet engine fell into his bedroom, which he unknowingly avoided by sleepwalking outside and following a voice in his head. This voice belonged to Xenu, an (apparent) imaginary friend in a man-sized rabbit costume. Xenu prophesied that the "end of the world" would occur.

Hubbard was instructed by Xenu to perform further acts, which caused a certain chain of events to take place, including receiving a book about time travel by Henry Ford.

Hubbard was influenced by the book to creat a Time Travel Machine out of a Delorean. Hubbard used the time machine to travel to the past to participate in the Enchatment under the Sea dance contest. Unfortunately, Hubbard lost the contest.

$cientologyEdit

XenuRabit

Xenu: Hubbard's only friend

After losing the dance contest, Hubbard decided to return Back to the Future and focus on writing. Hubbard wrote a series of science fiction stories that were largely unsucessful.

Following these failures, Xenu again spoke to Hubbard and advised Hubbard to base stories on Xenu. Xenu also helped Hubbard to increase his intellect and improve his writing by combining the flux compacitor from his time machine with something called a themogram in an iconoplastic debris field. This procedure increased Hubbard's intellect to that of William F. Buckly and Maynard G. Krebs combined. In this enhanced intellectual state, Hubbard set to write his book about Xenu.

Influenced by the complete lack of facts in writings of his mentor, Henry Ford Hubbard adopted a similar approach in his writings about Xenu. In his book about Xenu, Hubbad predicted that the US government would distract the public with a fake moon landing while transporting plane loads of evil souls to a volcano on the Las Vegas strip. In addition, Hubbard wrote about he wrote about why babies hate their mothers if their fathers wore loafers, and why people should pay to get this information.

This book formed the basis of $cientology, for which Hubbard was awarded the Nobel prize. This book on $cientology encouraged a number of Hollywood stars to give Hubbard their money.

Middle AgeEdit

This growing fame and income helped Hubbard learn the secret meaning of life in the universe. He wrote the information down on a slip of paper which is available only to advanced $cientologists. To read the paper a $cientologist must pay a lot of money, go into a closet with the paper and a flashlight, and promise never to tell anyone else what is on the paper.

In 2005 Uri Geller used psychic powers and remote viewing to determine that the paper says, "Let he or she or it that is without money to give to Hubbard go blow smoke up Nixon's shorts." $cientologists dispute this claim.

Retirement and Old AgeEdit

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The S.S. Space Yacht on a mission to Uranus

After having made boatloads of money and converting the majority of Hollywood actors to $cientology, Hubbard retired to the lead space vessel in the $cientology fleet, the S.S. Space Yacht. Upon reaching the sky, God turned Hubbard into a bear, and made some bear soup with some assistance from his rocket launcher. Tom Cruise is currently planning to use random texts involving $Cientology to turn the remains of Hubbard into a Xenu/Hubbard hybrid. Too bad God destroyed the remains.

FactoidsEdit

  • L. Ron Hubbard is not related to LL Cool J, though he wishes he was.
  • L. Ron Hubbard molested the baby Xenu on his space yacht.

See AlsoEdit

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