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King James was the first English King of Scotland and a really good king. K.J. was the first European to recognize the greatness of America. Because he was such a smart guy, K.J. sent many Pilgrims to the United States to learn how to make England as great a country as America. He also instructed the Pilgrims to eat corn with the wild Native Indian Americans, to stake claims on as many lands and trade routes as possible before those bastards the French and Spanish got to them, and to acquire some less painful footwear (preferably still with sexy buckles, though).
K.J. was a wise and enlightened leader who allowed both Protestants and Catholics to serve him. He set forth the theory of the Divine Right of Kings, drawing a connections between Executive Privilege and God's Divine Will that still prove true today.
Following his discovery and successful deterrence of the dreaded Gunpowder Plot, K.J. sanctioned the use of torture in an attempt to end the insurgency surrounding his reign. His one great hope was to leave the world free of all such incendiary, anti-establishment, faggot-sheilding rebels. He failed of course, but it was a good try.
Why We Still CareEdit
King James is responsible for having invented the American Bible, and this makes The Baby Jesus extremely happy. Before King James, people could only learn about Jesus from bald monks who only spoke Klingon. As a result only men of great intellect and culture, men such as George Bush, Stephen Colbert, and King James, could receive the words of Our Lord and Savior. However, because K.J. he invented the Bible, millions of people have been able to learn that it is wrong to be gay, eat Rock Badger, or work on Sunday.