Once upon a time, ketchup was a great American condiment, so revered that it was elevated to the status of vegetable by Ronald Reagan, but that was prior to John Kerry tainting the good Heinz name. That greedy hippie took the yummy right out of that beautiful red bottle and replaced it with Evil. This leaves the question of, "what can Christian Americans put on their hamburgs without fearing damnation."
Mayo is out since it is the devil's choice. For those doubting liberals out there: "HellMan's" "Cain's," sure the brands may spell it differently but anyone can see that mayo is the devil's white stuff, and now thanks to Kerry, Ketchup belongs to the red man too.
The correct way to spell ketchup is demonstrated above. C-A-T-S-U-P is NOT in any way the proper way to refer to this popular tomato based condiment. (brought to you by M.S. D.L. and C.C.)