|The "Great" State of KENTUCKY |
|State Flower:||Satellite Dish|
|Official Language:||Appalachian (though American is recognized as a second language)|
|State Bird:||Fried Chicken|
|State Motto:||'Shine on, Dan'l Boone!|
|Nickname:||The "Exploit Me" State (runner up: America's Transfat Capital)|
|State Anthem:||"My Old Kentucky Home"|
|Population:||5 million, but with 18 last names (Everyone from Kentucky is a recognized legal descendant of Daniel Boone, a Hatfield, and/or a McCoy)|
|Standard MPH:||55, except in Hazard where the speed limit is set by an orange Dodge Charger|
|Principal imports:||Alcohol, Mexicans|
|Principal exports:||Weed (the primary ingredient in pot), Wrecked Cop Cars, Bourbon, Moonshine, 'Backer (the primary ingredient in tobacco), Black Gold/Coal (the primary ingredient in 50% of the U.S. electrical energy supply)|
|Principal industries:||coal mining, bootlegging, automobile manufacturing, drinking whiskey, snorting cocaine|
|Fun Fact # 1:||Kentucky is a great Republican state, in the heart of God's Country.|
|Fun Fact # 2:||Kentucky wishes it had a Big Screen TV.|
|Fun Fact # 3:||Seriously, hand over the TV. Make it Plasma.|
The Truthiful History of Kentucky, as Recorded by NoneEdit
Kentucky was discovered in 1829 by Daniel Boone as he searched for a new home for his people. Kintucky seemed like a paradise to the pilgrims of Boone, as it was already full of the essentials ('backer, weed, and 'shine). But this paradise was not what it seemed, for it was already populated by a great clan of toothless bears who, as legend has it, came to Kintucky during the ice age. These godless killing machines had been living peacefully for many years alongside Kintucky's other "native" inhabitants, the godless savages. The bears and the savage Red Man had long ago learned to work together, for they shared an affinity for 'shine, weed, and 'backer, which they had already been producing long before the first human settlers came to Kintucky. What Daniel Boone and his company did not know, however, was that the bears and the savages also shared an affinity... for the White Man's blood!!
Unsuspecting of the danger that awaited them in the form of prowling bears and blood-thirsty Native Americans, Boone's people began to virtuously colonize the obviously uninhabited villages of the natives. Simultaneously, the new settlers launched friendly raids against the bears, stealing copious amounts of alcohol, marijuana, and tobacco. The bears and savages all flew into unjustified, savage, animalistic, murderous rages at these innocent acts of aggression on Boone's part.
While suffering the effects of withdrawal from the staples of their diet, the bears and savages waged a hopeless war against the newcomers. Boone then sent a company of riflemen lead by the great military commander and chicken genius , Colonel Sanders to crush the bears. The armies of bear-kind were utterly destroyed by Sanders with little loss, although this was mainly due to the toothless status of many bears. The bears then turned to terrorism and IETs (improvised explosive turkeys) in an attempt to draw out the war.
Boone then realized total victory would not be possible and himself changed tactics. Boone's people set aside their differences from their bear neighbors and intermarried with the bear women. In time, the two races became virtually indistinguishable and since then they have been called "true Kintuckians". True Kintuckains can still be seen today. They are easily spotted by a lack of teeth and extreme hirsuteness. True Kintuckians are almost always drunk. They also have an affinity for porta-potties.
The Native Americans fared a little better than the bears, as many of them were killed. The rest were allowed to be forcefully removed from their once proud lands and traditions and shuttled off to some far-Western place where they would never be heard from again (until Hollywood needed some extras for a John Wayne retelling of "The Daniel Boone Story").
5900 BC - The first bear settlers reach Kentucky
5700 BC - The first savage human settlers reach Kentucky, immediately enter axis of evil with bears
129 AD - Moonshine invented
153 AD - Entire bear population of Kentucky goes to rehab, Savages "can quit whenever they want"
154 AD - After a year of sobriety, the bears start drinking again
1799 AD - According to legend, a Kentucky long hunter named John Houchins chased a wounded bear into a cave entrance, discovering Mammoth Cave in the process. Later, right-thinking Kentuckians erected gates to prevent further bear infestations. The cave and the land around it would later become a National Park, enshrining on a federal level the ancient feud between man and bear.
1829 AD - Daniel Boone comes to Kentucky
1834 AD - The Great Bear-Indian War of Kentucky begins
1837 AD - The first "true Kentuckian" is born
1854 AD - The 100 year feud between the Hatfields & McCoys begins after Jeff Foxworthy McCoy is caught eyeballin' one of the Hatfield's pigs
1861 AD - Kentucky achieves statehood. Death of Colonel Sanders
1953 AD - First Corvette built in Bowling Green, Kentucky
2002 AD - Kentucky elects first person with a full set of teeth to state legislature
The Commonwealth of Kintucky achieved statehood in 1861 after the death of Colonel Sanders in the first battle of the Great Chicken Rebellion, known outside Kentucky as the American Civil War. The spelling of "Kintucky" was then changed to Kentucky in honor of Colonel Sanders.
All Kentucky's FaultEdit
It's all your fault, Kentucky. John Yarmuth? John Yarmuth??? When you had a perfectly respectable, Republican, conservative, god-fearing, American, U.S. Representative in Anne Northup? You started it, Kentucky. We all saw what you did! That first little speck of blue that spread like poison across our beautiful red nation.
Curse you, Kentucky! What have you ever done for the rest of the country, anyway, except provide the coal that powers about a quarter of our nation's electricity? What have you given us except your rich natural resources, purchased at the minimal cost of your environmental and cultural health, as you remain perpetually impoverished, undereducated, and exploited? And then you have the unmitigated gaul to go out and vote for a Democrat?
And I thought we really had a special relationship. I thought you were a Red State, Kentucky. I feel like I hardly know you anymore. Maybe we need to spend some time apart. No, it's not me, it's you.
A Typical Day in KentuckyEdit
Somewhere in Kentucky right now, a young man changes into his dress overalls, preparing to attend his cousins' wedding. Somewhere else, a young woman plays hammer dulcimer, while her brother picks banjo with an Uncle's discarded tooth.
Throughout the state, college basketball is the obsessive focus of tens of thousands of people who have never set foot on a college campus. Even when basketball is not on the TV, it is still the primary topic of conversation in 78% of Kentucky households. Sometimes Yoo uv Ell wins, often YooKay comes out on top. Either way, Rick Pitino is a traitor.
Thanks to G.E., coal mining is hot again, so the Appalachian kids can't wait to get in on that action. The rest of Kentucky's youth anxiously await their eighteenth birthdays, when they can finally join Our Troops. Except for the commie types. They're mostly busy packing so they can move out of the state.
In Lexington, the cultural capital of Kentucky, the oil-rich A-rabs drift in and out, flaunting their easy access to the Bluegrass State's beautiful thoroughbred horse- and woman- flesh. In Loovuhl, a "son of the soil" on a school trip gazes in wide-eyed wonder as his teacher knowingly points out a pair of "lookin' at squirrels."
In Lawrenceburg, "eatin' squirrels" are readied for the yearly Burgoo festival, as the World's Largest Apple Pie cools on Casey County's windowsill. Meanwhile, in the teeming metropolis of Paducah, a child of seventeen picks out his first pair of shoes.
Everyone else is praying that Jesus will keep the tornado away from the trailor park.
- Cave Run Lake
- Colonel Sander's Mausoleum
- Ye Olde Timey Lincoln Truck Stop and Giftatorium
- Mammoth Cave
- The one house that aint mobile
- The National Corvette Museum
- Colonel Sanders, American military and chicken strategist
- Lincoln, one of our Greatest Presidents
- Daisy Duke
- Hank Williams Jr.
- Steve Carell, star of The Orifice and Little Miss Sunshine
- Mitch McConnell, Minority Leader for the 110th Congress
- Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor, longest serving member of The Greatest President Ever's Cabinet (and McConnell's own "Little Lady." which makes her a Kentuckian-by-default)
- Essjay, Retired Wikip*dian
- Johnny Depp, pirate and candy maker
- Andre' Woodson
Kentucky is now known as Land Hawaii.