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Joseph Smith

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Joseph Smith, It-getter and Mormon Prophet

A midget humping mack daddy Freemason Joseph Smith Jr. was born in 1805 in Sharon, Windsor County, Vermont, to Joseph and Lucy Mack Smith. He had 10 brothers and sisters. His parents taught him to pray, read the Bible, to have faith in God, and to give ten percent of his income to "the Church."

Smith wasn't sure which church they were talking about, so he started his own and even gave it its own newer testament and theology.

This demonstrates that Joseph Smith may, in fact, be the first It-getter. Long before Stephen Colbert had revealed The Word of truthiness, Smith understood it in his gut.


Early Life

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In Joseph Smith's first vision, he was visited by some dim-witted angels called Moroni

In September 1823, Joseph Smith was visited by an oviously stupid angel and some of his buddies who were collectively known as Moroni. They brought along with them a bunch of talking salamanders who served as acolytes to the angels. (Although some prefer to call them sycophants.)

The Moroni told Joseph to look for a bunch of "golden tablets" out in the New York woods. Joseph started digging right away, but soon discovered that the Moroni had a seriously impaired sense of direction which made it very difficult for him to follow their "map."

Nonetheless, Smith kept on digging, convinced that he'd eventually find the promised tablets.

Search for Colbert Genealogy

Several salamanders gathered around Smith as he lay exhausted in the woods after another fruitless search for the tablets. They revealed to him a vision of a future prophet who would bring a thousand points of truthiness to the world. This prophet, the salamanders told him, would be named Stephen Colbert.

Smith was so impressed with the vision that he temporarily abandoned his search for the tablets. Instead, he secreted himself in his house with his wives and pored over genealogical records. He reportedly hoped to find the family tree of the Colbert in his vision

The Revelation of Truthiness

During his 30's, Smith began developing a keen interest in young ladies less than half his age. The Moroni authorized him (by virtue of threatening him with a flaming sword if he didn't) to take little girls to wife, ranging from 14 to 17 years of age. These girls were promised that their families would spend eternities on their own little planets if they simply were his "spiritual wives" and consented to 'be with him', though not all the time, since he still wanted to live with his first wife.

As an original It-getter, Smith very nearly "got it", feeling it not in his 'gut' per se, but in his, uh, (insert corpal appendage here).

Because of his noble lifelong adherence to truthiness, and his advanced, unprecedented method for translating the Moroni's tablets; Smith was awarded the first ever Hat Trick Award.

Assassination

Unfortunately for Smith, New York was full of a bunch of proto-Hillary factonista Democrats even way back in Joseph Smith's time. They were shocked by his truthiness and thought he was forming a cult.

They forced Smith and his followers out of New York to flyover places in the Midwest.

Even though they were Red Staters, the people in the Midwest weren't any happier about Smith and his followers than New Yorkers had been. They didn't exactly buy into the Church of Jesus Christ part of the name that Smith had given to his outfit.

Smith was assassinated by angry Midwesterners.

The Colbertist Controversy

Because of his early grasp of truthiness, Colbertists believe that Smith not only to be an incarnation of Stephen Colbert, but also the first in the line of Jedi masters that would later train Colbert.

Colbertists claim that Smith was born in heaven as the son of Peter (who is, by the way, obviously a Mormon god).

The Middle of the Earth

Colberist Mormons (many of whom spent their youths watching family-friend cartoons and reading Jules Verne) spin a tale of Smith's journey to the center of the earth.

Colbertists claim that Smith saw a vision from Peter, his dad, and went on a pilgrimmage to the middle of the earth. Little did he know that in the center of the earth there is no gravity, so he spun around in circles for millions of years. It would not be until 2006 that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, while adventuring to find the Necronomicon, discovered smith in his eternal grave, and using the mystical third eye of Colbert they had salvaged from the peak of Mt. Everest, managed to save the ancient Jedi Master. They recruited Smith into the top-secret, classified World Police (aka Bush Administration). Ever since, Smith has faithfully served under the alias "Donald Rumsfeld" and is one of the foremost protectors of the Holy Grail and America itself.

Going Back in Time

Smith was by this time very old, and essentially short and green (Many mocked him, calling him Yoda to parody the Star Wars character. It is little known that the Star Wars character is based off of him). Smith was forced to climb the Stairway To Heaven, only visible in the overrated, popular song by Led Zeppelin. Smith/Rumsfeld/Yoda literally tore the stairway out of the song, and with the perseverance of a stout and brave Republican, climbed to Heaven.

Here, St. Peter (Smith's father) revealed to him the only way to regain his youth: spinning the world around backwards. Smith knew this would be hard, but with the aid of Bush, the Chosen One, and the third eye, he accomplished his mission. Before his eyes Smith regained his youth, and continues to protect America from terrorists and liberals.

Goldfinger

Colbertists claim that there was a small side-effect from Smith's adventures to the center of the earth and heaven. They say that everything Smith touches turns into gold. The Colbertist Bretheren are currently puzzled by this effect, but they believe that it is from the sheer amount of wives he has all transferring STDs to him, culminating in a supernatural STD that gives anything Smith touches the properties of Gold. Research, studies, and foundations are being made for the matter to help Smith, savior of Republicanism and Truthiness.

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