Jonas Brothers
makes satanic music
which are lullabies to the Baby Satan

Al Franken
Jonas Brothers has earned
Not quite girlie, not quite man,
Jonas Brothers
is all Girlieman.
Beer gut
Jonas Brothers
is a drunk.

The Jonas Brothers worship bears, which are the minions of Satan, and make godlessly evil music to corrupt the minds of the Greatest Country on Earth's youth. Their fans are really annoying and go to wal-mart to be gay and buy their CD's on the day they came out (you know who you are).


The Jonas Brothers, circa 1968

The Birth Of The Jonas Brothers Edit

The three brothers were born from the Octuplet mom who was unknowingly fertilized in virto from a mixture of semen from Satan and Osama Bin Ladin.

They were not born in the traditional hospital setting, but at the main office of the ACLU.

It is not sure their exact ages because their birth certificates have been changed numerous times, so they will be able to stay on the Disney Channel, without seeming old & creepy.

They were born from eggs that Octamom left at the ACLU, so they would hatch at later dates.

A staff worker accidently took the eggs home mistakenly, getting them confused with the eggs she was going to throw at the pope the next day.

Satan appeared to her and gave her a special incubator for her to keep the eggs in, so they would to cute for any person to resist. Shortly after, Jesus appeared to tell her that she must destroy the eggs for the sake of America, and also to not throw eggs at the pope because he is a good guy.

Being the typical ACLU member, she listened to Satan & wanted to destroy America, so she placed the eggs in the gift and the Jonas Brothers were born. She also, went and bought a new batch of eggs to throw at the Pope, and also tried to have Jesus arrested for trespassing.

Biography Edit

America was perfectly fine before the Jonas Brothers rose to stardom. The country was experiencing peace & economic growth until suddenly 3 brothers changed that. Ever since the Jonas Brothers have became superstars Americans have been losing their jobs. They have managed to place the blame of the economic failure on George Bush so they could have their puppet, Barrak Obama become president. President Obama has 2 young daughters, Ashley Graham and Miley Cyrus, they main prey for the three brothers. They will use their power over the President's daughters to accomplish their task of destroying the world. Many believe that the 3 spawns of satan are adorable, but so are baby bears. Like baby bears, they will grow up to be Godless Killing Machines with the goal of destroying America at its heart, the youth.

Hanson Saves AmericaEdit

Another band of three brothers known as Hanson, realized they needed to stop these three brothers for the good of the country. During their reign the economy was at an all-time high, and there were no wars. One sad day in 2000, they were brutally bumped from the spotlight. It is no coincidence that shortly after they were forgotten, the largest terrorist attack on America happened, followed by Hurricane Katrina. This was God showing his anger at America for allowing his favorite band to be cast away. On February 23, 2009 God sent word to Taylor Hanson, the one that everyone though was a cute chick at first, that him and his brothers must stop the evil Jonas Brothers from raping the minds of America's youth. They challenged the Jonas Brothers to a rock of in the form of the "Devil Went Down to Georgia Style." These brave brothers were at a very significant disadvantage due to the fact that they were a lot older now, and no longer as adorable as they once were. God realized that no one could compete with the cuteness of the Jonas Brothers, transformed Hanson into their old adorable selves. Their adorableness caused great pandamonium and caused 89 % of the female population to erupt into screams and tears, and also increased the gay population by 45 %, with 35 % of that being to dudes that thought Taylor was a chick. The Jonas Brothers broke out with Lovebug and it seemed that the contest was over before Hanson had even got a chance. Just as Hanson thought it was over Jesus Christ came down & performed a version of MmmBop that made Satan cream his pants. Knowing that they had been defeated, the Jonas Brothers were banished to hell where they know perform nightly for Hitler and Saddam Hussein, who are the biggest fans.

George Bush Saves Stephen Colbert From Jonas AttackEdit

Stephen Colbert helped out Hanson when he became president of the Facebook Group "Hanson Must Stop the Evil of the Jonas Brothers" The nation responded in huge numbers by joining the group.

Bill O'Reily noticed the popularity of the new group and did an investigation into the claims. In his investigation he finds that Joe Jonas allegedly gave Miley Cyrus a donkey punch while they were dating. Being a huge fan of Miley, he calls for his "Anti-pinhead" nation to combine with Colbert Nation.

Stephen Colbert has O'Reilly on his show to discuss the situation. During the show Bill O'Reilly confirms allegations of his man-crush on Steven, and admits that the student is now the teacher. Joe Jonas sneaks into the studio during the interview, & releases grizzly bear that was trained by Stephen's other nemesis Rain in martial arts. George Bush, who recieved a tip for Jesus that the Jonas Brothers were planning an attack, once again keeps the country safe by throwing the Mission Accomplished sign around the bear, with Sarah Palin shooting the bear from the rafters. He then pull out 2 hot dogs from his pocket, and him and Steven share a moment that was immortalized as one of the greatest TV moments. Bill O'Reilly became upset that he couldn't eat a hot dog too, so W pulled out a pretzel from his pocket. The former president didn't realize that the bear had placed the pretzel that the Jonas Brothers had tried to kill him with during his presidency in his pocket during the struggle. Bill O'Reilly took a bite out of the pretzel and chocked to death. In honor of his service to the country, a hospital for adults suffering from Tourette's Syndrome, which has became the leading recruiting headquarters for Fox News.

Kevin JonasEdit

Paul Kevin Jonas II

Born November 5, 1987

He was born in New Jersey

He is the head of the beast if the Jonas Brothers are to be stopped

His life was normal until one day he sold his soul to the devil to get some hot ass. He initially asked God but God told him he that being gay was a sin, & he would not help with his quest. Satan, who is all about some sodam, told him he would give him these powers only if he helped him destroy America.

Not realizing what he had done, he signed a contract, and like most young musicians he was taken advantage off, and not only had to destroy America, but only got 3 % of sales in the process.

He was able to convince his younger brothers to join him, the unholy allience of what is know the Jonas Brothers was formed.

His list of fears are Candy Canes, Stephen Colbert, Spiders, and Vagina

In a recent interview he was quoted as saying "I get more sausage than Jimmy Dean."

He was recently seen in west Hollywood but was killed when he accidently bumped into Chuck Norris, who roundhouse-kicked him straight to gay Hell.

He has been in a concussion and later Kevin kissed Kim Kardashian

See AlsoEdit

He has no reproductive organs.

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