John Stossel
has been a guest of The Colbert Report
and got nailed in the process
ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.
Despite what you may have heard
John Stossel
Is totally not gay!

Hey Stossel, John Holmes called. He wants his mustache back!


John Stossel
composed at least one non-audiobook book.

John Stossel is a hip "young" reporter for ABC News Fox Business News with a fashionable and totally hetero moustache. He is the second greatest moustache-bearer in the news, following in the footsteps of the great Geraldo Rivera.

Born Juan Stosseltinez in Chicago, Illinois, he changed his name in order to feel "more American".

He is a proud libertarian thinker and doesn't believe in global warming. He originally criticized big businesses in his segments, but realized the error of his ways when he found out he was working for one. He now criticizes the government, class action lawyers, and dumbass school administrators.

He is constantly asking to be given a break, and seems always frustrated at the stupidity of those who he is asking for a break from. This is probably due to the fact that despite his constant asking, they steadfastly refuse to break him off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar.

Stephen Colbert has interviewed him on January 11, 2006 and cited an article he wrote that supported the freedom of incest. So remember kids, when you're at a family reunion and get "that special feeling" towards your cousin, John Stossel says that it's OK. Stossel has effectively validated the feelings that Stephen feels towards Charlene, by saying its none of the government's business. Stossel strongly approves incest. In no way was the article just an extreme example meant to illustrate what the purpose of government should be.


  • John Stossel was the inspiration for Nell Carter's character on the 1980's sitcom Gimme A Break! He also wrote and sang the titular theme song for the show.
  • John fed Hurricane Katrina refugees for six months with the food caught in his moustache.
  • Original lead singer of the British rock group Queen.
  • John loves talking about stupid schools for some reason, like he has an answer to making them smarterer
  • Stossel thinks that the "invisible hand" of the market could prevent planes from crashing into each other.
  • Stossel is best known for being bitch slapped by a WWF wrestler (were he a real Republican, this never would have happend).

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