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John "J-Rob" Roberts is Chief Justice of the United States, and a former friend of The Colbert Report who toyed with Stephen's heart for the last time when he and his judicial activist buddies upheld Barack Hussein Obama's death panels.
Like many great traitors throughout the 6,000 years of Earth's existence, John Roberts was once one of the good guys. Like Lucifer, he was loved above all others in his fold; like Judas Iscariot, he hung out in all-male secret societies and looked fabulous in a robe; and like Benedict Arnold, he had a yen for powdered wigs and thought that slavery had its good points.
Roberts was such a loyal conservative that he won the trust of the Decider himself. The president looked deeply Roberts' soul and saw a quality vital to all judges: the ability to rule in the Bush/Cheney campaign's favor in the 2000 election.
Once secure in power, however, Roberts began his campaign of treason slowly but surely, lulling conservatives into a false sense of security by ruling time and time again in their favor. By the time he ruled that poor little corporations were being bullied by big mean voters, we thought we had finally found our hero, our champion, The Chosen One.
We thought that Roberts would be a sure thing in voting down Obamacare. We thought we could trust him. But, this summer, we found out we were wrong.
With no warning, John Roberts fell to the dark side of the court and ruled that Obamacare - the Evil Empire's ultimate weapon - was constitutional. Thanks to his treachery, America as we know it no longer exists, replaced by Comrade Obama's socialist paradise, in which a bunch of huddled freeloaders breathe our air tax-free.
Looking back, it all makes sense now — Roberts always said he was from Indiana, which sounds a lot like Indonesia...where Obama ate that dog! And when you think about it, didn't Roberts let this whole nightmare happen in the first place by actually having the gall to swear Obama in as President?
It stands to reason that, now that Roberts voted with the Obama Administration one time, he will rubber-stamp the rest of Obama's agenda. The next logical step for this radicalized court, now that poor people can afford health coverage, is to legalize Gay marriage, institute equal rights for bears, and rewrite the Constitution to protect public sodomy. Glenn Beck was right!
But Roberts has already committed his greatest crime against America — he has broken Stephen's heart.