John Madden Books

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John Madden Books - The renown John Madden, unknown to many, has written many books of varying lengths about differing subjects. He has several different series, including the "How To" Series and the "Explanation" Series. The following breaks down the pieces of art that come from the John Madden.

Every book includes a DVD of the author diagramming everything on a Telestrator.

The books are all 200 pages in length. Page 100 is the only page with text, and this text is the title. The cover also has artwork depicting the title, and some of the covers have very grandiose artwork. Some critics believe the blank pages are Madden's attempt to enlighten his audience through introspection, reminiscient of the great Socrates, as the blank pages would let the audience write or think on the subject matter for themselves. However, when asked to comment on his style of writing Madden simply stated, "I do it for the children. And Al, my best friend." Al Michaels, to whom Madden is referring, denied that he and Madden are anymore than co-workers. "He follows me around everywhere I go," said Michaels, "and apparently he's bankrupt. He's parked a trailer home on my front lawn and uses my house whenever he feels like it. It's crazy I tell you; don't listen to what that man has to say!" After this comment, Madden gave Michaels a hug.

Madden's self-proclaimed agent Panama (a red-eyed tree frog) states that Madden's books are the best thing that one can buy. "Ya can't beat John's logic, eh?" says Panama, "this here's a smart man; I've already bought four of each of the books, and I'm buying more as we speak." Panama says this as he swipes his credit card to make another $800 purchase, the second one within the hour. Clearly, Madden has found an agent worthy of his book business.

---This just in, John Madden has been declared the ugliest human being of all-time, an accomplishment he greatly treasures. "I always knew I was an ugly man, but this is fantastic, eh Al?" says Madden as he talks to Al Michaels. "John, this is not something you should be proud of," replied Al, "being the ugliest man in history is in no way an accomplishment by any means. Are you really that dumb to think that?" "You know what, Al? I like punching babies." It seems that not only is John Madden the ugliest man in history physically, he also has some serious mental issues. (The preceeding information was used as background information on the author in order to help the reader determine the kind of person that writes this genre of books.)

New York Times Best-SellersEdit

  • How to Tackle a Puma
  • Tree Foliage and Its Effects on the Beavers from the Lowlands of Scotland
  • A Conspiracy Revealed: How the Brilliant Antelope Sniper Gunned Down our Nation's 35th President
  • How the 1956 British Olympic Team Was Brutally Murdered by a Savage Herd of Wildebeest

How To SeriesEdit

  • How to Prevent a Baby Lemur from Attacking Your Children
  • How to Inspire a Piranha to Sing Beethoven
  • How to Prevent Crows from Running Successful Monopolies
  • How to Keep Our Nation's Capitol Safe from the Destructive Nature of the Orangutan Party
  • How to Stop a Totem Pole from Impaling Your Neighbor
  • How to Prevent Dingoes from Chewing on Your Leg
  • How to Teach an Octopus to Use Office Supplies
  • How to Assemble a Crew of Fierce Arabian Lizard Pirates
  • How to Politely Inform a Tiger of Scientific Advances in the Modern World
  • How to Mold a Live, Breathing Llama from Clay and other Craft Materials
  • How to Pay your Respects Properly at a Bovine Funeral
  • How to Hog-Tie and Kidnap a Rebellious Teenage Tortoise
  • How to Teach an Otter to Fly-Fish
  • How to Enlighten a Poltergeist on Biological Warfare in North Africa
  • How to Burrow under Your House and Coexist peacefully with Gophers
  • How to Train a Penguin to run a sub-16 minute 5K

Explanation SeriesEdit

  • Why the Arctic Fox causes Leukemia
  • How the Rhino, the Real Inventor of Microsoft, went to Oxford and Excelled in Football, Computer Science, and Social Skills
  • The Truth behind the CBS: Gerry Iguana tells It all from the Beginning to the Present-Day
  • The Scam that was Tyler's Presidency: How the United States was run by Muskrats
  • How Chewball the Hamster forced an Anarchist Uprising in Southern Russia
  • How the Mallard Duck Was the First Pilot to Complete a trans-Atlantic Flight
  • Why Mammals are Hazardous to the Economic Stability of Central Europe
  • How Overly-Hairy Alpacas can cause Seizures in Children under Ten
  • How the Wiry Canadian Baboon successfully Infiltrated the U.S. Mint
  • How the Dairy Farmer from 1972 built a Time Machine to re-invent the United States Postal Service
  • How the Greco-Roman Architect tamed Bimbo the Elephant to fight a Tiger
  • How the Rabid Soybean Farmer foiled the Ukranian Guinea Pig's plot to induce a 20% Economic Recovery Tax
  • How the Llama caught Hank Aaron's 715th Homerun
  • How the Army Veteran Ostrich made a Header to win the World Cup
  • How the Platypus loaded his Machine Gun just in time to win the Battle of Iwo Jima
  • How Henrietta, the Golden Cocker Spaniel, gave Birth to a Litter of Pandas
  • Raisin Bran Revealed: How Hubert the Rabbit spent his Life within the Cereal Boxes
  • A Pop Star Gone Bad: Shannon the Walrus's Homicidal Spree
  • How the Humpback Whale fell in Love with the Ostrich one bitter cold October morning under a Spruce Tree
  • A Dinner Table Disaster: How the Panda Family was Unexpectedly attacked by their trusted Bamboo Silverware

More titles to come.

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