John F. Kennedy

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John F. Kennedy
was the 35th President of the United States of America
Party: Democrat   Term of Office: 1961-1963
John F. Kennedy
is too drunk to drive himself home...
he must be Irish.
John F. Kennedy

JFK: 35th President and 1st Jelly Donut of these United States.

John F. Kennedy was a skidmark on the underpants of society. When given the chance to kick Russian ass in the Cold War, he decided to take the easy way out and go Democrat. America had its manliness stripped away until his long overdue assassination. Then the country began a healing process.

Failure At Worshipping The Baby JesusEdit

Kennedy was a bit like a Catholic Bill Clinton; he was a godless liberal with a penchant for kinky, adulterous sex. In all fairness, however, his taste in women was better by light years.

If he had not been killed by Lee Harvey Oswald (great job, Secret Service, could you do the same for Nancy Pelosi?), then an immediate investigation would have been begun on the sad fact that his mind lived in his pants. The only reason he was not impeached before was that so many people were laughing from when he called himself a jelly donut.

He was known to kill innocent whites at ole miss and make them look like racists, and make reupblicans look like fucking dixiecrats.

Inability to Say "Er"Edit

Kennedy was pretentious and enjoyed trying to sound European. As a result, America lost in Vietnam and children everywhere went without ice cream.

Failure As A LeaderEdit

It was obviously his fault that we lost the Vietnam War, which is in no way related to the Iraq War. President Bush is a holy, pious man who is winning the war. Kennedy was a sex-obsessed Irishman who couldn't keep his eyes off mobsters' girlfriends (Use The Google. Seriously. His mistress was having an affair with a Chicago crime lord who happened to be helping the CIA assassinate Castro. There's another mark against his score.

Some people say he was a good president because he made the Civil Rights Act. Well, surprise, he's not the one who came up with the idea. Obviously, he stole the idea from a Republican.

Failure With The LadiesEdit

He claimed to have been a Catholic, but when you're found in bed with Marylin Monroe, the rosaries wear kinda thin. The funny thing is that he really thought he was a Catholic. As he was busy ignoring the seventh commandment, he unfortunately forgot that he had to have his aide deliver the memo to the CIA head that said the Bay of Pigs was doomed to fail. While some historians claim that this was a colossal failure on Kennedy's part, it was in fact a noble attempt to start the Rapture early.

He led a coup d'etat, which is a dirty French word, against the Vietnamese government. He replaced him with a Buddhist-burning Vietnamese dude, who most likely was also a fake Catholic.

Supposed ConspiracyEdit

Liberals are fond of asserting that Kennedy was assassinated by domestic conspirators. This is a terrible lie, as it clearly contradicts the Magic Bullet Theory, which establishes beyond any doubt that only two bullets struck Kennedy, two glorious magical bullets of truthiness. Kennedy's successor, Lyndon B. Johnson, was a dirty liberal but should be given some credit for escalating the Vietnam War, a noble crusade waged to save the people of southeast asia from Godless Communism.

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