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John Robert Bolton (born July 4, 1776) is an American diplomat, and all-around badass, serving currently as the "Until I Was Forced To Resign Because The Pinko-Commie Senate Wouldn't Confirm Me" U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. He is the oldest person to have served that position. John Bolton is the twin brother brought back to the 21st century of former President William Howard Taft.
A Patient ManEdit
"Until I Was Forced To Resign Because The Pinko-Commie Senate Wouldn't Confirm Me" Ambassador Bolton was installed by The Greatest President Ever, George W. Bush to his position on March 7, 2005. His installation was the subject of a "possible but of course not" filibuster in the United States Senate by Democrats and George Voinovich of Ohio, a Republican who for some reason did not like the way Bolton wore his mustache. However, Voinovich has since stepped into the light and had a change of heart about Bolton's mustache and would have reinstalled him if he came up for reinstallation, quite possibly with a screwdriver.
On August 1, 2005, President George W. Bush installed Bolton as a "Until I Am Confirmed" Ambassador to the United Nations via recess appointment. The recess appointment lasts until a new Congress convenes in January 2007, or until Bolton shaves his mustache and assumes a new identity, whichever comes first. He previously served as Under Secretary for Arms Control and International Security.
In July 2006, the confirmschtapo over in the Senate called some "hearings" because they wanted to "vote" on whether this "man" should continue as Ambassador. Bolton brings the whole world together... in opposition to him. That is why he should not have been merely confirmed, but instead be given the top job and named Secretary-General Bolton.
John Bolton is seen by many as the worst boss ever. Reports surfaced that John Bolton loves truthiness and anyone who tells the truth gets a tongue lashing. John Bolton is very grumpy and never smiles and thinks the United Nations is a piece of crap. Despite him thinking that, he must really love it. Logic dictates this assessment: why else would he work there?
Requiem For A MustacheEdit
On December 4, 2006, President Bush accepted Ambassador Bolton's resignation from the UN, effective January 2007, saying
I am deeply disappointed that a handful of liberals prevented Ambassador Bolton from receiving the up or down vote he deserved in the Senate. They chose to obstruct his confirmation, even though he enjoys majority support in the Senate, and even though their tactics will disrupt our diplomatic work at a sensitive and important time.
Bush then fell face first onto the floor and began kicking his legs wildly while pounding his fists.
Reactions to Bolton's resignation were unanimous, with other delegates praising and showering him with such platitudes as calling him "abrasive and not very helpful to amenable consensus" and "no comment."
Mr. Bolton and The United NationsEdit
John Bolton aspires to become UN Secretary-General John Bolton. He really likes to be the leader and not take orders from anyone. He is his own man who doesn't value the opinions of others, even his allies in the U.N., thus making him a bona-fide badass. He doesn't care what they think because he thinks with his gut and his gut is all he cares about. By the way, he has a huge gut. John Bolton feels what better way to bring the nations of the world together than to tear the nations of the world and the U.N. apart. God Bless America And No Place Else, Amen. That is all!
Mr. Bolton's Excellent Post-UN AdventuresEdit
With his efforts at destroying the UN as an institution from the inside winding down, Ambassador Bolton can get back to his ongoing efforts at destroying the UN as an institution from the outside.
Things John Bolton Likes To Do Edit
- Watch Jeopardy!
- Watch The Military Channel (reportedly loves the Hitler documentaries especially)
- Watch American Idol (wanted Chicken Little to win last season)
- Play Poker
- Play Football
- Beat up people he does not agree with
- Jump rope
- Hula hoop
- Make fun of Kofi Annan
- Impersonate Captain Kangaroo
- Uses Geraldo's mustache when his is not in season
- Quack like a duck when he is happy
- Watch 30 Minute Meals on the Food Network (huge Rachael Ray fan)
- Help out on weekends at homeless shelters (for a fee)
- Give to the poor
- Being compassionate to the less fortunate
- Donate blood (not his own)
- Use his sledgehammer, Ronald Reagan on red tape
- Helping Helen Thomas