Joel's Army

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God Touching Adam
"Joel's Army"
is Most Beloved by God over all His creations
Now and Forever, Amen.

Joel's Army is a group of America's Best Youth who believe they're members of the final generation to come of age before the end of the world, are breaking away in droves from mainline Pentecostal churches.

They number in the hundreds of millions according to Billboard record sales. They base their beliefs on a strict reading of the second chapter of the Old Testament Book of Joel, in which Joel commands an avenging swarm of locusts to attack Israel.[1]

Book Of JoelEdit

The prophet Joel is considered a minor prophet by size queens interested only in the quantity of the edits posted into the Holy Bible under the prophet's username. However, The Lord considers Joel a major prophet due to the awesomeness of those few edits. The Lord also likes Joel for the way he uses his God-given powers of dominion over the lowly beasts to seek vengeance against Jews for killing Jesus.


Joel Robertson was a big legend for his knowledge on the wogs in commodores. This lead of creating an army, called jOel's army. It is consisted of wogs and habibs who fight for their weakly weed. They cahrge at the german hitlers in their comys and do not stop untill the piece of shit brakes down and they need a rest and some time to smoke there weed[2]]!

  • Chapter 1 In his first chapter, the prophet Joel warns drunkards against bugs with lion's teeth common in Biblical times. He also wrote about the purity of the land and how those lion-teethed bugs ravage fig trees, pomegranates, date palms, and apples like so many fornicators plowing ripe nubile flesh. Plus some other stuff about there being no more water and fire covering the earth.
  • Chapter 2 This chapter begins with a clear condemnation of dancing to the song "Wildfire" and how that leads to rampaging crowds, famine, more plagues of lion-teethed bugs and worst of all "trembling." It ends with God shouting from the Heavens that His children should stop their dancing, or the trembling will not just be in their pants. The chapter ends in the world's first cliff hanger.
  • Chapter 3 The Lord informs His children that He has a bucket filled with his soul (like a bottomless bucket of wings on all-you-can-eat Sunday brunch) which He will then pour onto the lands and into His children--even the girls! A light show will follow the soul buffet concluding with the All-Star Rapture. God will then offer backstage passes to audience members who know the password, which he writes in The Bible is His Name. So much for keeping the password secret.
  • Chapter 4 Having been sufficiently pissed off, The Lord holds one final press conference before going to war with Iraq the Philistines. He tells his children what offenses Saddam Hussein the Philistines have committed and promises He will punish them identically. Like all good leaders, God advices His children to prepare for war by selling their silver, gold and offspring and destroying their farm tools to make weapons.

God commands that a bloody battle be fought for His judgment in the Valley of Shittin near the Flushing Meadows. Several countries must be leveled before God will call a winner, who will be showered in His love.

Modern Manifestations Of God's LoveEdit

Rick Warren and Sarah Palin are strict Dominionists and members of Joel's Army.

These notes are for parody use only.
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Theocratic Sect Prays for Real Armageddon (Alternet)

  • Joel's Army believers are hard-core Christian dominionists, meaning they believe that America, along with the rest of the world, should be governed by conservative Christians and a conservative Christian interpretation of biblical law. There is no room in their doctrine for democracy or pluralism.

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