Joe Wilson's War is a new hit movie, brought to you by Wikiality.com Studios. It tells the story of a jilted diplomat, and his mission to ruin the administration of The Greatest President Ever, even at the cost of his hot spy wife.
"A trip to Africa. A little media exposure. Who said they couldn't tarnish the Bush Administration."
- Joe Wilson as himself
- Joe Wilson's Wife as sultry CIA dishwasher Valerie Plame
- Stephen Colbert as a genius heroic government investigator, and babe magnet who draws in Valerie Plame
- Morgan Freeman as President George W. Bush (Wikiality.com doesn't see color)
- Matthew McConaughey as macho patriotic truthiness crusader Patrick Fitzgerald
- Tim Russert as traitorous journalist Tim McPotatoHead
- Jabba the Hutt as honest but
greenforgetful presidential adviser Karl Rove
- Tom Cruise as macho tattle-tale Lewis "Scooter" Libby
- Saddam Hussein as a guy in a hole
- Dick Cheney as the President's gun-toting, comedic side-kick
- Jack Nicholson as blunt and squinty-faced Defense Secretary Donnie Rumsfeld
It's the early part of 2002: those dark days in which Saddam Hussein was still running wild in Iraq like a North Korean dictator at a luxury car showroom. The Greatest President Ever is determined to bring an end to this madness and bring democracy to the country's enslaved oil supply. But first he must persuade a skeptical Congress of what a good hider of nucular dub-em-dees Saddam really is. After hearing reports that Hussein is buying green glowey stuff from a mythical place called Africa he invites diplomat Joe Wilson to investigate.
Sadly, the President's researchers fail to determine that Wilson is a closet America-hating Democrat until after he's left. While in the fictitious Africa, Wilson parties hard with Robert Mugabe and meets Prince Akeem of Zamunda, who offers to give him $419 million if he first provides his U.S. bank account number.
On returning from his journey of decadence, Joe has the audacity to publicly claim Hussein hadn't bought anything there, except for some goldfish and a spider hole shovel. Outraged, the President's crew do what any good men would do, and tell Wilson to get out of the limelight. When he refuses someone accidentally mentions that Joe Wilson's Wife sensuously cleans dishes in the CIA cafeteria, wishing they were actually the firm pecks of genius patriot and all-action government detective Stephen Colbert.
Enraged by this development, Joe vows to seek his revenge Al Gore style (via lots of harmful gas). He arranges a trip out to Baghdad to visit Hussein and warn him of the can of whoop-ass which is about to be opened upon his unsuspecting buttocks. The meeting does not go well, and Wilson is unable to convince Saddam that it'll take more than a baath to fix the dirty bomb confusion.
Meanwhile, back in The Greatest Country EVER!, hero, stud and all-around avoider of men's bathrooms Patrick Fitzgerald is assigned to "investigate" the Plame leak. Fitzgerald quickly derails Wilson's plucky sidekick Tim McPotatoHead with the threat of exile in Idaho. And under the sage-like guidance of Colbert, Patrick then uncovers the source of the leak and the case is closed. Period. End of story.
Admitting defeat, Joe Wilson goes on to open a sour grapes whinery. His wife's location remains a mystery. Patrick Fitzgerald retires from the public eye to spend more time with his soon-to-be wife. Karl Rove has an unfortunate accident in the desert. Prince Akeem invests $419 million in a American fast food franchise. Stephen Colbert continues to kick ass.
- "It's time to git'mo done!" --Joe Wilson
- "You're looking at one baked potato!" --Tim Russert
- "What cho talking about Wilson!" --Dick Cheney
- "You go to war with the evidence you want, not the evidence you have." --Donnie Rumsfeld
This movie is rated PG-13 for mild violence and excessive truthiness.
- "She had a body built for intelligence gathering..."--John Stewart
- "So shocking, what a revelation, I was on the edge of my seat, awaiting the next twist!" --Robert Novak
- "This movie kicks so much ass, I shot everyone in my row at the theater!" --Dick Cheney
- ↑ How'd you like them apples Mata Hari!
- ↑ Mmmm... I smell a nucular-powered Mercedes Benz S500!
- ↑ Apparently the KGB grabbed all the good stuff first.
- ↑ Maybe your wife would like some of the attention instead?
- ↑ Hey, President Bush said so and we're at war, so deal with it!
- ↑ Ahem, touring the country promoting her new book, ahem!