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This page is about the Great Christian, for the page about the Jewish guy named Jesus, please visit this page.
Jesus is a mexican guy. The "J" is pronounced with an "H."
is Norris Free
|Jesus H. Colbert|
|Born: 12/25, smack dab between 1 BC and 1 AB||Died: Good Friday, 33 A.D.|
|Resurrected: Easter, 33||Went to Heaven: 40 days after that, 33 A.D.|
|Birthplace||Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Bethlehem, America|
|Nationality||REAL American, Hell Yeah!|
|Parents||God, Virgin Mary...don't try to explain that to your kids!|
|Occupation||Republican political strategist and Bear Shooter|
|Favorite Singer||Toby Keith|
|Favorite Hockey team||Saginaw Spirit|
|Spouse||Ann Coulter (not Mary Magdalene, get that straight)|
|Favorite Saying||"I Got Mine, Jack!"Episode #436|
Jesus Colbert a.k.a. Jesus H. Christ is Our Lord and Savior, not to be confused with Jebus, a.k.a Barack Obama. Jesus was born on Christmas, had sex on Good Friday and was resurrected on Easter. He raped Bambi :) FTW.
It is said that one day, Christ will go to an Olive Garden, an event known as the Rapture, where he will rape islamo-terrorists with an AK-47 for trying to plot another Nine-Eleven attack. Some liberal monkeys believe that he was an anti-war advocate. Actually, he once said "Though shall use the other fist once they have already been punched with the other"and "Hit them again when they turn the other (butt) cheek". Fisting it up the butt. Another misconception was that he was a communist, which is SO totally not true. He even admitted to being a capitalist and wanted others to strive purely to make a profit. For him. Since Jesus is God, when he said "give to Ceasar salad dressing...and Give unto God that which belongs to God" , he meant lower taxes on the rich & give me (the divine "Me") the rest of the money.
Jesus died for our sins on a cross and now all we have to do is confess our sins and believe in Him and we get to go to Heaven. Pretty sweet deal, right? Well at least for us. Oh, and apparently he's a superstar. For some reason, liberals can't seem to get it together to save their godless souls. Just makes more room for the rest of us at the all-you-can-eat shrimp & Filet mingon buffet in Heaven. Olive Garden for the win!
More than one Jesus appearing to you at a time are called "Jesi", pronounced like the "jee" in "golly-jee" and "zi" as in "Zionist pig". Seeing more than one Jesus can also be referred to as a hallucination. There's only one Jesus, in case you were stupid and didn't know. Seeing two doesn't mean you're on the path to heaven, it means you're on the path to drug rehab.
Jay-ZUS! is the founder of the Gay-Liberal party, as, sensibly, he believed in Himself. It's noteworthy that, in keeping with his constant attempts to thwart Jesus, Judas (also known as Satan) started the Democratic Party, with Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin present at the first convention.
Jesus developed the military doctrine of "Preemptive Smite" that has turned Iraq into a stable democracy. Evil liberals would have you believe he was a wimpy pacifist. However, when he said "turn the other cheek", he meant so you could wind up a good uppercut to the jaw. Or kick to the butt. Your choice.
Jesus, himself, also actively supports the NRA official lobby against Bears.
What you should believe: BuddhismEdit
ALL of the following OR ELSE Satan and/or the Liberals will have your soul: You should believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, and Buddha. Maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. BRB, someone is at the gate (to Heaven).
You should believe in one Lord Jesus Colbert, the only son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten not made, of one being with the Father. Through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation, he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man. For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead and his kingdom will have no end.
You should believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and Son he is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the prophets. You should believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church (henceforth known as The One True Church). You should acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. You should look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.
And not some bullshit you hear on TV.
Okay, now amen... Konichiwa
Jesus's Glorious ReturnEdit
Please see the full article, Second Coming of Christ
Jesus's return to America is IMMINENT! He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead, specifically non-Christians, gays, liberals, communists, and anyone who makes The Baby Jesus cry, especially Jon Stewart, for whom he has a "special" judgement. His return will be immediately followed by the Apocalypse (look it up), during which all those judged impure will be sent straight to hell. One of the only surefire ways to guarantee yourself a place in heaven during the Apocalypse is to wear a "Welcome Jesus" t-shirt, as sported by Stephen Colbert on The Report, during His return.
And then one day, on October 17, 2005, Jesus returned in the form of Stephen T. Colbert and successfully launched the Colbert Report. Now Jesus's truth is spread through Mr. Colbert and The Comedy Channel, blessed may it be.
A Special Message From The Lord, Jesus' FatherEdit
After Jesus arose from the dead from that filthy, filthy cave, God said unto his children:
Get IT in son! Fo shizzle ma nizzle! That's why I invented the PENIS!
- He accidentally killed Mohammed
- Jesus has the voice of Bob Dylan.
- Jesus's best friend is Adam Meek
- Jesus never shaves his beard. He just wouldn't look cool without it.
- Its been revealed that Liam Neeson is actually Jesus himself. His protrayal of Qui-Gon Jin in Star Wars, the Phantom Mennace proves it....the simalarities are astounding.
- Jesus is right-handed, like all Christians.
- Jesus will one day return on a cloud of money.Episode #295
- Those two sets of footprints on the beach? One of them is Jesus; the other is a gay guy sneaking up on you, RUN JESUS!Episode #369
- Jesus stayed Kosher and he cries when other people eat pork. Not eatting pork is the only thing Jesus approves of about Muslims.
- The only language spoken by Jesus is American.
- Jesus' feet, in ancient times, did not walk upon England's mountains green. He planned to go there on holiday for a bit but then decided against it due to the price of gas & too many gay couples going there for honeymoons, so he went for a couple of weeks in Mesopotania instead.
- Jesus is a life member of the NRA.
- After walking on water, Jesus invented the swift boat.
- Jesus' favorite hockey team is the Saginaw Spirit. They win because he is on their side. In fact, he is on the Spirit roster (Team Messiah) and wears #490, which is seventy times seven. The Spirit, who are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, frequently pummel godless Canadians into submission, as this is the Lord's work.
- Scientists conducted DNA tests on eucharist wafers after they had been blessed by a priest. The results confirmed that Jesus was a cracker. But not whole wheat. That would be liberal.
- Sadly blood tests run by the same scientists suggest Jesus may be an alcoholic. His blood was 6% alcohol by volume. Scientists who are true believers know that was only because his Mother asked him to turn water into wine.
- While it is argued by some that Jesus might be black, true Americans (like Stephen Colbert) who can't see people's color wouldn't know the difference anyway.
- When compared with all the non-Christian (false) deities, Jesus is the most ripped, except for perhaps Thor, but he's all about muscle mass while Jesus is about being toned.
- Can do more situps than anyone else in the world (when he's not nailed to a cross). Check out that six-pack!
- The obvious superiority of Christianity over Buddhism can be seen when comparing Jesus's six-pack to Buddha's blubbery mid-region. Also, Jesus scores much higher then Buddhists in the "People Killed for Me" contest. Mostly Democrats, bears and other idle worshipers. (yeah, IDLE!)
- Jesus is Allah's cousin. They met only once, and talked about beards. Jesus has a brown beard, but Allah has a black beard. Allah has a longer beard. Jesus is commonly accepted to have a more intense beard, though. And he's more photogenic than Allah. Much more photogenic. Hell, Jesus is a camera whore.
- Contrary to popular belief, it was recently revealed on The Report that George Bush is not Jesus or God, but personally chosen by him as a middle man. Geoge W., being the appointed son of George, has been working to be his father's replacement, but continues to have trouble spelling "Holy Ghost".
- Jesus saves lives and then redeems them for valuable prizes, such as ball in a cup.
- Jesus is the wind beneath Superman's wings.
- Jesus's penis size is 15 Inches. He is every woman's dream and every Prison-Bitch's Nightmare. Although He would never go to prison, or be in prison, or even think of trying to redeem those Gay criminals.
- Jesus is widely regarded as one of the greatest NASCAR drivers ever, despite only starting seventeen races in his career. He has won eighteen NASCAR races, including the first Daytona 500 in 1958.
- Despite what The Bible says, Jesus hates hobos. They dirty up his holy self and their stench drives him round the twist. He put a hobo sign on Satan's house, so they'd all go there & leave Him alone.
- Jesus beat the owner of the planetoid Pluto, the group known as Monty Python in an arm-wrestling competition by growing four extra arms and beating them all. That's why Pluto is so freaking far away and got thrown out of the "planet' club.
- Jesus now has 20% more peanuts; he's creamy, not crunchy.
- Jesus did not want his religion to be called Christianity. He originally named it Judaism 2.0, but it never stuck.
- Jesus is an 8th degree blackbelt and is level 100 in the skills of Illusion, Destruction, Blade, Acrobatics, Bear Killing, and Stealth.
- Jesus Taught Big-Boss, Solid Snakes 'father' the art of Tactical Espionage. His other student "The Boss" just assisted and took over in Big-Boss's training when Jesus was called to dispatch a troop of Bears led by the evil, soulless "Yogi" that invaded heaven's courtyard. It took a *very* long time for yogi to die when Jesus hanged him in front of everyone (2 hours of slowly strangling on the rope. Yogi shat and pissed himself as he dangled. Jesus clapped.)
- Contrary to popular belief, Jesus never has played as the Covenant in Halo 3.
- Jesus managed to resurrect himself after death because he drank 13 Red Bull energy drinks before being nailed to the cross.
- Jesus was turned into a Muslim, becoming the first secret Muslim when Allah's followers posthumously deified him and changed His message.
- Jesus received the Nobel Prize in Danger.
- Currently residing in Chippewa Falls, WI, but spends the winter in Arizona. He gets tired of all that walking on water.
- Jesus loves guns and people who own guns. Extra credit for people who use guns to kill bears.
- It is suspected that Chuck Norris may be his long lost kickass true blood American child.
- Jesus has a cousin, his name is Je$us Chri$t
Things Seen On JesusEdit
The Lord Jesus Christ, Son of The Holy Father, wears pants. He always has, wore them on Earth as He is in Heaven. Just remember, Holy Ghost - Jesus wears the pants in your family!
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- That Horny, Thorny Thing.
- Real 24 Kt Gold & Platnum Real King Of The Universe Crown
- That Silly Round Thing
- Shining Awe-Striking Blinding Light the somehow always allows you to see His face anyway.
Things Jesus Has Been Seen OnEdit
The Colbert Report
- Shroud of Turin
- shadow on woman's floor
- potatoe chips
- Sugarloaf Mountain, Rio de Janeiro
- Winning entry of the 2006 "Green Screen Challenge"
- Toast sold to casinos
- a certain men's room stall at a certain airport bathroom
- An episode of Whose Line is It Anyway?
- A urinal
- The smoke from the toppling World Trade Center
- Bush campaign commercials
- The Jerry Springer Show
- Soiled Toilet paper
- internet porn, but you gotta really be looking...
- Every 1 in 1,000,000 pieces of toast
- At the Canadian Juno awards
- Top of a bear which he had recently slain
- The YouTube
- a cheeto
People Jesus LovesEdit
- George W. Bush
- Stephen Colbert
- His Father
- His Mother
- His Other Mother
- not bears and democrats
- His other Pappy
- You (does not apply to liberals or other non-Christians)
- The Baby Jesus
- Lord's Gym
- Greatest things
- The Holy Bible
- Virgin Mary
- The 10 Commandments
- The Second Coming of Christ
- Jerry Falwell
Do Not Also SeeEdit
- Jesus was not a Middle-eastener... he was British!!
- Real Christians demand new Kingdom of God now!
- Drug Lords for Jesus
- Charlie Crist sekret long lost brother of Jesus?
- New Portrait of Jesus found!
- WWJB "What Would Jesus Buy?"
- Jesus does comedy
- The Real Jesus
- Archaeologists find Mary Magdalene's fanfic stash
- American Jesus gaining more fans
- GOP's new 2012 platform: God and Jesus!
- Jesus, what happened?!
|Stephen Colbert | Jesus Christ | George W. Bush|