Jessica Simpson
Was an Uber Hottie but has committed an act of Hottie Treason!
She has angered Stephen Colbert and made The Baby Jesus cry.
She is banished to Hell to be Martha Stewart's hand maiden.

Jessica Simpson
is a CELEBRITY! Oh. My. God.

Jessica Simpson
is a Proud Republican Goddess
God Bless America
Jessica breast2

Jessica's breast feature...we mean best feature

Jessica Ann Simpson, or better known as Boobs, is greatly loved by the Baby Jesus and Stephen Colbert. Her rise to fame was complete when on her hit show Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, she posed the ultimate philosophical question: “is this Chicken or is it Fish?”

Early Life Edit

Jessica Simpson was born on June 10, 1980 in Abilene, Texas.

Boobs Edit

Jessica Simpson's boobs are one of the Baby Jesus' finest creations, comparable only to Dr. Colbert's hair, Reaganomics, and The War in Iraq.

Her Intellect Edit

Jessica is one of the greatest minds of our time. Her brilliance can be likened to that of Albert Einstein. Jessica’s genius is rivaled in modern day only by the likes of Stephen Colbert, The Greatest President Ever and Paris Hilton.

A Humanitarian Edit

Jessica is also a well known and admired humanitarian. On an episode of The Newlyweds, she politely declined Buffalo Wings, stating “I don’t eat buffalo”. Though all celebrities are humanitarians in some way or another, Jessica is a different and better kind. She loves kittens, puppies and the Baby Jesus (but not Bears).

Approval of The Greatest President EverEdit

Jessica supports President Bush and is a fan of Jenna Bush and Barbara Bush. She thinks that Laura Bush decorated the White House herself. In 2006 she testified before Congress on behalf of Operation Smile. The Greatest President Ever invited Jessica to meet with him in the Oval Office. She turned down the invitation, which angered Stephen. He took his anger out by throwing away of copy of her debut album "Sweet Kisses" and a proactive bottle.

Singing Career Edit

Jessica Simpson tried to copy Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera when she first started out. Jessica's last album, A Public Affair, was a commercial failure because it had a liberal title.

She recently released a country music album, but it flopped.

Guinness Jessica Quotes Edit

“You've done a nice job decorating the White House." —Pop star Jessica Simpson, upon being introduced to Interior Secretary Gale Norton while touring the White House.

“I don’t want people walking out of a movie thinking I was trying to act.”

“She’s got double D’s. You can’t cover those suckers up!” Jessica’s dad on her breasts.

"I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.” (according to my gut, there are no documented cases of anorexic girls in the state of Texas).

"Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties"

"I love the smell of these candles, I wonder what are they again?"
Jessica checks the label
"Oh, unscented."

"Real Girls Eat Meat"Edit

Jessica, this is like, so, not cool...

In 2008 Jessica was seen with her boyfriend Tony Romo and she was wearing a t-shirt that said "Real Girls Eat Meat", for which she was criticized by PETA. The problem is that it was a jab at Carrie Underwood, who dated Tony Romo once before. In the t-shirt Jessica is trash talking Carrie for not giving Tony oral sex. Does this officially makes Jessica a terrorist for taking part in the immoral act of oral sex?


See AlsoEdit

Jessica Simpson
is a "Certified Chick!"
You Go Girl!

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