Jesse Helms was a kind, decent, and humble man and a passionate defender of what he called "the Miracle of America." So it is fitting that this great patriot left us on the Fourth of July. He was once asked if he had any ambitions beyond the United States Senate. He replied: 'The only thing I am running for is the Kingdom of Heaven.' Today, Jesse Helms has finished the race, and we pray he finds comfort in the arms of the loving God he strove to serve throughout his life.
Like all great Americans, Jesse chose to honor his country by dying on the 4th of July. However, the people of North Carolina hope that, like Jesus and The South, Jesse Helms will Rise Again. They will then re-elect him to his Senate seat, and once again he will serve as their champion to defend them from pornography, The Gays, The Immigrants, The Ethnics (you can't even say "The N Word" any more, Jesse), and The Clintons much better than any of the current mamby-pamby Republican Senators. They just don't make 'em like they used to. This is why all North Carolinians think of Jesse Helms as their "Once and Future Senator."
In September 2008, Jesse was Raptured up to Heaven. Congress paid tribute by being incredibly rude to every black and Jewish waiter and busboy in the building.
Jesse Helms Was an Enemy of Satan and a Pinnacle of Freedom here on earth. Sadly, Jesse Helms has moved to The Baby Jesus's Secret Island Home in Heaven to continue the fight by his side. Be scared Satan!