Jack Welch

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Jack Welch
has been a guest of The Colbert Report
and got nailed in the process
ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

The Greatest of all Americans: a capitalist!

On December 18, 2006 edition of The Colbert Report, the greatest species of all Americans, a CEO, finally appeared in The Eagle's Nest, when former General Electric Chief Executive Officer Jack Welch sat down with Stephen to share his philosophy, wisdom and vision.

In The NestEdit

Stephen wanted to be sure Mr. Welch was prepared for the potential nailing, telling him "we're gonna make some grape juice" and that Welch would be squeezed by Stephen's intense, probing interview. Stephen also threatened to fire Welch during the course of the interview, depending on how things were going.

For his part, Welch claimed to have fired more people than live in L.A., which raises the question, why didn't Jack Welch fire everyone in L.A.?

The Secret To WinningEdit

Stephen demanded to know the secret, and Welch responded, saying the answer is to get the best team in the field. He then shamelessly plugged the New England Patriots football team, for which we can only imagine he was extravagantly compensated.

Welch also made the statement that you hire a great team and then let them do what they want, then make them do what you want by firing 10% of them so the others will piss their pants and fall in line.

Stephen asked Jack to help him pick out the 10% of The Colbert Report staff who would be receiving pink slips.


Welch is retired, so he's not concerned with American jobs being shipped overseas, and neither is Stephen. Who's going to do Stephen's job? Some Chinese guy? We can find someone right here in America to to do Stephen's job, and in Chinese too.

The EconomyEdit

Welch and Stephen agreed that the economy is booming, with Stephen doing much better this year than last year. Welch is making it on a fixed income and Social Security, plus a few stocks. Mainly he relies on his wife's income and government handouts.

CEO CompensationEdit

Simply put, Welch is certain it's not enough. These captains of industry are sorely underpaid, making a mere 100 times the average wage of their underlings. CEO's should be paid whatever the market can bear.

CEOs make more, nixo facto they deserve more.


  • Winning: The Answers: Confronting 74 of the Toughest Questions in Business Today
  • Man, Am I Richer Than You Peons
  • The Welch Guide to Retiring on 900 Million Plus Social Security


  • Famous for firing people, but in a lovable way
  • Wears bright colors when he fires people so they will be reminded of flowers and sunshine and butterflies
  • Is on the Social Security he has worked his whole life for, and deserves to enjoy since he earned it, plus, will be dead before it ever goes insolvent.

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