Jack Bauer

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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.
Jack Bauer
is a Truthiness Crusader!
Jack Bauer
Is an Enemy of Satan and a Pinnacle of Freedom
When Satan sees Jack Bauer, he is scared
and reduced to a whining baby who craps his diaper.

Jack Bauer: A True American

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~ Jack Bauer ~

  • For Jack Bauer Trivia, click here.

Jack Bauer is the epitome of awesome. He is a noted hero of America and whose awesomeness is rivaled only by Colbert's. He is a true patriot and puts his life on the line to defeat the threats of America. He could beat you up in like two seconds. He could beat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad up in like one second.


Jack Bauer finds a terrorist in the bathroom

Jack Bauer Was Born in America. That truth alone makes him awesome. Jack not only loves America, but has put his life on the line several times for it. In fact, he's died twice for America (eat your heart out Nathan Hale). He has stopped presidential corruption, bombs, viruses, and has saved the President on numerous occasions. He did all of this in 8 days. He works at CTU, or Counter Terrorist Unit, and is ready to save the country any time in only ONE day. Jack is a master of interrogation; one time he almost pulled this guy's stomach lining out... with a wash cloth. Although some consider him a flawed hero, he has no flaws. Everything Jack Bauer does is right, other people just think it's wrong. Some people think Bauer is a TV character, played by Kiefer Sutherland, but that's not true. Jack Bauer is in fact a real person. Bauer had so much awesomeness that all of his lesser qualities didn't fit and therefore had to be put in a second body, and that was how Kiefer Sutherland was made.

The United States of America has taken many steps in the past five years to defend our great nation from ruthless terrorist attacks. We have gone to war in both Iraq and Afghanistan and have killed Osama bin Laden. Our borders are tighter than they have ever been and airline security is just plain ridiculous in the wake of the 9/11 attacks. However, all of these efforts to keep our nation secure, pale in comparison to the Herculean efforts of one man: Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has been the single greatest asset to the United States in the War on Terrorism and has made the most significant impact on national security by protecting our nation from future terrorist action.

It was once noted that after Jack Bauer stopped Habib Marwan from setting off a nuclear device, the city of Los Angeles was so grateful they named a street after him. But shortly after naming Jack Bauer Blvd. the name had to be changed because too many pedestrians were being killed while crossing. Nobody crosses Jack Bauer and lives to tell about it.


  • Only thing that Jack Bauer is wary of is the Apache Longbow.
  • When Armageddon comes Jesus and Jack Bauer will pilot An Apache Longbow to defeat Satan.
  • Jack Bauer was raised by his father Chuck Norris
  • At the age of 10 Jack Bauer wrestled a bear and killed it with his bare hands

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