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J.C. Hutchins

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RLeeErmy
NorthwoodTreeFarm
WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, NUMBNUTS!?
J.C. Hutchins
has nothing to do with Dr. Colbert! Fix it, or it will be Dead To Me and Stephen!
Discuss why J.C. Hutchins should not be deleted here.


Origins

J.C. Hutchins may or may not be a clone. All evidence suggests that he appeared on the Internet with stories that may or may not be true implanted into his brain. This may prove the existence of the Story Well, from which many authors have claimed to access at some point in their fragile and un-Hutchins-like careers. What is known is that he the Son of previous vice president Dick Cheney.

Theories claim that Hutchins is actually a physical manifestation of this Story Well. Other, less accepted theories include the idea that he is a manifestation not of the Story Well but of Internet users' collective unused creative potential. This is unlikely, say the leaders of the School of Hutchinsology (the mainstream branch of Hutchins study) because that much potential manifest in a single being would result in insanity. The supporters of the creative potential theory respond by presenting Personal Effects: Dark Art (see below) as proof of insanity. The book is thought by Hutchinsologists to be not a sign of insanity but a rare glimpse into an alternate reality. This is, in fact, much more likely.

Podiobooks

J.C. Hutchins is an award-winning novelist best known for his 7th Son technothriller trilogy, which he released as free serialized audiobooks from 2006-07. With approximately 100,000,000 downloads of his episodic fiction still occurring each day, 7th Son is the most popular “podcast novel” series in history. McDonald's released a commemorative Happy Meal in his honor.

Novel

Hutchins' first published novel "Personal Effects: Dark Art" was released June 9th, 2009 and was Amazon's top seller in every category including home improvement, science fiction, fantasy, comedy, self-help, and romance; just to name a few. He is the first author to bridge the gap between fiction and non-fiction genres and to make Scott Sigler cry. He still has yet to make good on the promise that he "owes us all a beer."

Other Media

Hutchins' popularity among the coveted 18-49 demographic has made him a hot commodity in the entertainment industry. To date, he has appeared on CSI: Miama,Desperate Housewives,Dr. Who, Lost, House and Prison Break. Hutchins starred as himself in most cases, usually helping the lead character(s) to solve a problem. He was also approached to play the lead in a proposed 9th season of Scrubs, but turned the role down in order to focus on other projects.


In an attempt to recycle the failed Friends-spinoff Joey, Hutchins' face was superimposed over the lead actor's features. Although no other changes were made to the failed show, it immediately became a hit. The show is currently in its 21th season.


Hutchins also appeared in the 24th 007 film, "The Brink Of Death", as lead villain "Agent H". Although his performance was widely praised, fans and critics disagreed with the creative decision to have Bond die at the hands of the villain to end the film. Producer Michael G. Wilson admitted that he'd gotten carried away by Hutchins' "awesomeness", but promised that the 007 series would continue nonetheless.


Hutchins also voiced himself on The Simpons, where newly introduced neighbor "Hutch", a thinly disguised J.C. Hutchins parody, quickly became a fan favorite.


Hutchins also held the WWE Title and the TNAChampionship for 26 and 31 months, respectively. He surrendered both titles after successfully defending them against everyone on the roster.


Hutchins also had brief run in the Broadway musical Rent in 1996 as Roger when Adam Pascal had to sit out due to a but with dysentery. It lasted only two days, but still earned Hutch his first Tony Nomination.

Hutchins also ghost wrote the made for tv movie "Death of a Salesman 2: Loman on the Lam." He also had a cameo as Biff's gay roomate Scottie Sigler.

Perhaps his most notable appearance before becoming a writer; Hutchins appeared in the coming of age movie the Goonies, where he played Lawrence 'Chunk' Cohen. This roll won him an Oscar for best actor in a leading roll. It is also what got him his first introduction with the actress Tiffany Brissette who played Viki the robot on the television series Small Wonder. They now have two beautiful children who were adopted by a loving family in Baltimore.

Nobel Prize Winner

J.C. Hutchins is the first Science-Fiction writer to be awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine for his work with curing narcolepsy at Brinkvale Psychiatric Hospital. Patients in the study read Dark Art and never fell asleep again, especially after eating at least 2 lbs. of low-fat hamburger. Unfortunately, they are now searching for a cure to their insomnia and obesity.

Never a Guest on Colbert

For some reason J.C. Hutchins has never appeared on the Colbert Report. Please contact Stephen Colbert to issue your condemnation for overlooking this superb author, and also remind him the Bill called and wants his surfboard back.

Conspiracy to Cover Up Pending Knighthood in Portugal

A cabal of highly-placed minions of a shady and terrifying figure known only as the FDO are succeeding in covering up the fact that author J.C. Hutchins was knighted by Anibal Cavaco Silva in late 2008 for his service in encouraging the citizens of the Republic of Portugal to stop learning English.

Unorthodox Advertising Campaigns

JC is known for several unorthodox advertising campaigns (aka Unprecedented Pimpage)for his projects such as the following: A photo shoot of the Pope posing with Personal Effects from the JC Novel Personal Effects: Dark Art, a series of Brinkvale Psychiatric Hospital embroidered straight jackets, and inventing the "Supervlurb".

Saviour of Gentle Giants

JC has dedicated himself to multiple disciplines of study among which Journalism, Mental Health, and Writing are but a few. In the course of his studies, he toured the forests of China in an effort to determine why it was so difficult to breed Giant Pandas in captivity. His research into the matter has lead to amazing new strategies to increase the dwindling population.

Landscaping

Hutch came out and mowed my lawn one day. I was all like, "Hey, Hutch!! WTF?" Ultimately, I decided to drop it, because it was hot out, and I sure as hell didn't feel like doing it. Did a shitty job, though.

Killer Coffee

While working as a barista at a Portland Starbucks in 1983, J.C. invented the Frappicappimochiato and was on the fast track to managership. After an unfortunate incident involving 3 Ventis of the concoction and an errant cinnamon stick the drink was scrapped and Starbuck sued Mr. Hutchins for $2,000,000. J.C. won the lawsuit and as a result he can, to this day, walk into any Starbucks and make the manager sing "I'm a little teapot" with all the movements. He also gets free coffee which explains how he get so much done.

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Despite some eyewitness accounts, J.C. Hutchins claims he was not in the lobby of the Savoy Hotel in London, that fateful night when Prince Ali Kamel Fahmey Bey of Egypt was shot by his newlywed French bride. "That was in 1923!" said the author of the podcast trilogy 7th Son, "I wasn't even born yet". Police officials refuse to comment.

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