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George W. Bush created the Iranian Directorate in March 2006 as a clone of the highly-praised Office of Special Plans, run with scrupulous care by American patriot Douglas Feith. As Wikiality readers may know, the OSP brought to light Saddam Hussein's huge stockpiles of WMD, his hand-in-glove operating relationship with Al Qaeda, and his extensive involvement in the Attacks On America.
All of the OSP's intelligence on Iraq has been borne out by an comprehensive review board comprising Dick Cheney's hunting dog, Patches. It is expected that the performance of the Iranian Directorate will be similarly truthy.
Like the OSP, the Iranian Directorate is run by an undersecretary at the Department of Defense -- in this case Eric Edelman, who holds Douglas Feith's old job. Like the OSP, the Iranian Directorate employs Abram N. Shulsky, John Trigilio, and Ladan Archin.
Goals and PhilosophyEdit
Wikiality reporters contacted Mr. Edelman directly to ask about the Iranian Directorate's role in the intelligence-gathering community.
- Wikiality: Good afternoon, Mr. Edelman. I wonder if you would start by telling us how the ID relates to the CIA and the Army intelligence organizations.
- Edelman: Well, our job is to fairly and wisely balance the propaganda spewed out daily by left-leaning, liberal, socialist, subversive organizations like the CIA and the US Army.
- Wikiality: The CIA is a liberal subversive organization?
- Edelman: Yes, of course! They still deny that Saddam had thousands of nuclear missiles. They deny it just because no trace of them have been found, which is clearly liberal-think. Truth is not fact, truth is what we know regardless of the facts.
- Wikiality: Mr. Edelman, what is the Iranian Directorate's philosophy with regards to intelligence-gathering?
- Edelman: We will follow wherever the information leads. Now, Iran is building nuclear bombs. As long as the evidence leads us to that conclusion, then we are fine.
- Wikiality: ...And if there is no evidence that Iran is building nuclear bombs?
- Edelman: Then we manufacture some evidence, that's all. Look, we already know what's true, so we don't need to go poking around after the so-called facts.
- Wikiality: The International Atomic Energy Agency has never found any evidence that Iran is building bombs.
- Edleman: Exactly! And we know that Iran is building bombs, therefore we don't use the IAEA reports. The CIA has no evidence that Iran is building bombs, and so we don't use the CIA reports. Why? Simply because we know what is true, and we don't need any evidence that contradicts that.
- Wikiality: America can rest safely knowing that men like you are telling us ordinary citizens what to think.
- Edleman: Thank you. We certainly try. You can pick up your clothes at the main entrance, by the metal-detector. Next time wear boxer shorts -- those briefs you're wearing show the pee stains.
But we wondered about the Bush administration's plans. Since they have a clear picture of Iran's intent, albeit one that does not rely on facts, what do they plan to do about it?
The Plan for IranEdit
In response to our queries -- and a hundred-dollar donation to The Committee To Re-Elect Rich Republican Bastards -- the White House Assistant for Nosy Reporters sent us Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice's precís on the administration's plan for dealing with Iran.
- There are many options on the table for dealing with Iran's nuclear bomb program. No options have been taken off the table, and so they are all still on the table. We have put the table into a small dark room so the options do not escape from the table.
- The option is, we are going to bomb the shit out of Iran.
- Many courses of action are being considered, including diplomacy, sanctions, international pressure, sending in Jimmy Carter, towing Iran out into the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and establishing a Disney World in Tehran. All of these courses are under consideration by everyone.
- The course of action is, we are going to bomb the shit out of Iran.
- Of course the situation is in flux. That means many things are changing, and the situation continues to evolve. It may grow wings someday. All of us in the American Administration for Freedom are watching these changes carefully. Because we don't know what may happen, the situation is unclear.
- The situation is, we are going to bomb the shit out of Iran.
- The Secretary of State thanks you for asking about her policy. She thanks you for understanding that her policy is like her tits: sensitive but firm. She also thanks you for asking about her hemorrhoids -- they are much better, thank you, except when Dick Cheney gets on her ass about talking to Syria.
So there you have it: the options are on the table, many courses of action are being considered, the situation is in flux, and the bombs will hit Bushehr, Isfahan, Natanz, and some other cities before July, 2007. An anonymous source phoned Wikiality headquarters from Dick Cheney's Undisclosed Plaza and told us, "We expect to crispy-fry several tens of thousands of swarthy foreigners. More if they dare to interrupt oil production while the missiles are falling."
The entire Middle East should be in flames by 2008. Factiness: You read it first on Wikiality.
Recent Findings by the Iranian DirectorateEdit
Since its formation the ID has been hard at work culling evidence regardless of the facts. Some of its findings have been provocative to say the least.
- In June 2006 the ID reported that Iran had purchased 30 tons of uranium 238 from Namibia. The fissile material was shipped from Ulan Bator. Critics note that Namibia has no U-238 production capacity, and Ulan Bator is not in Africa -- for that matter, it's not even a seaport. Abram Shulsky himself refuted these objections by saying, "Shut up. Just shut up."
- In October 2006 the ID claimed to have obtained Iranian plans for an isotopic production reactor. According to researcher and part-time armadillo Ladan Archin the reactor would produce "bomb-grade cesium-137 and iridium-132...highly dangerous weapons-grade material". A nuclear expert contacted by Wikiality said, "You can't make bombs out of that stuff! It's used for treating cancer. That reactor is designed for producing medical isotopes." Nevertheless, John Bolton -- never one to be deterred by personal ignorance -- has become a champion of the idea that Iran is making plutonium bombs at a medical isotope reactor.
- Later the same month an ID informant revealed that Iran had slipped into Iraq in 2003 and stolen several hundred kilograms of weapons-grade uranium from Saddam Hussein's nuclear program. Army intelligence officers replied that Saddam did not have any nuclear program, and did not even have any uranium. ID investigators retorted that the Army's information proved their case. They then put on their pixie hats and began to hop about the room on one leg, singing "Embraceable You" in mime.
Iranian Directorate a major source of intelligence for Dick Cheney and others in the administration (from The Raw Story, 8/18/06).
Iranian Directorate is the Office of Special Plans refurbished (from Another Day in the Empire, 6/15/06).