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|The Corrupt State of ILLINOIS |
|State Bird:||Cardinal (downstate only)|
|State Motto:||Land of Abraham freaking Lincoln; Top that bitches! Oh, and Oprah lives here too!|
|Nickname:||The state Chicago is in|
|Governor:||Some guy who aint Blago.|
|State Anthem:||"The Night Chicago Died"|
|Population:||3million in Chicago, the rest, who knows?|
|Standard MPH:||55, in True-Illinois. Liberal in Chicago.|
|Principal imports:||Outfielders, Mexican illegals,|
|Principal exports:||Convicted Politicians|
|Principal industries:||Bribery, racketeering, Screwing over the hardworking middle class citizen|
|Fun Fact # 1:||Springfield, IL, once known as the Capital, is home to a cheesy, deliciously fattening treat known as the 'horseshoe sandwich'. It consists of an open-faced sandwich with thick-sliced toasted sourdough bread, and a couple of hamburger patties or ham. The meat is topped with french fries and smothered with a “secret” cheese sauce. Scientists estimate that the consumption of one horseshoe provides enough calories to last three months for the average adult|
|Fun Fact # 2:||Gov Rod Blagojevich's hair has a magic spell on it that makes it perpetually fluffy. This spell was bought from the devil at the price of his soul, the 2007 budget for the State of Illinois and the collection of coffee cups that Judy Bar Topinka has collected over the years. Good buy, huh? !|
Illinois (Pronounced ILL-uh-NOY, often mispronounced ILL-uh-NOISE by airheads from out-of-state) was founded by Abraham Lincoln in 1800. In 1955 Richard J. Daley led his troops into the capital of Chicago, and declared himself absolute ruler. While the people are able to elect government officials, all laws must be approved by the Daley family, (or Oprah if they are busy). Occasionally, government officials are known to gather in Springfield, far to the south of Chicago land, where they talk, get drunk and usually accomplish nothing except wasting the tax money of the citizens.
As of this writing, no one elected to office in Illinois has ever NOT gone to jail.
Illinois has their wonderful former Governor George Ryan to thank for instituting a moratorium on the death penalty as one of his last acts as Governor. Shortly following this, he was indicted on racketeering charges and was found guilty of 18 counts of public corruption. He was sentenced to 6 and a half years in jail, but is waiting on his appeal.
Illinois is comprised of two parts, Chicagoland and the rest. Chicagoland represents the city of Chicago and the area the Daley monarchy has taken as their own. The “collar counties” rebel with their only power, voting. The Daley Machine is very liberal, hates the baby Jesus and encourages abortions of all Chicago female residents. These collar counties such as DuPage, Kane and McHenry try to vote Republican. All politicians in Chicago land are a member of the Daley family so this rebellion does not work. The “Republicans/” the collar counties vote for, are Daleys pretending to be Republicans. Once in power these “Republicans” are not pro-life, encourage taxes for schools, treat poor people with respect and get indicted for bribery (which is a true trait of a Democrat). Everything south of Chicago and it's "collar counties" are hardworking, baby Jesus loving, communist-liberal hating Americans. In fact it has been proposed by many people living in "True-Illinois", as this great American geographical region has became known as, that Chicago and their liberal, Colbert-hating ideals leave the state and join Vermont. In response, everyone living south of Chicago has signed a petition for Chicago to be cut off from the state and allowed to sink into the bottom of Lake Michigan.
Illinois runs on what is known as a corruption based economy. In theory, everyone in Illinois holds a state sponsored job, we call these people Union Members. These Union Members are in turn supported by the rumored farms in southern Illinois. Since only the votes of Union Members count in Illinois (sometimes two or three times) the mayor stays in power.
Illinois was discovered in the late eighteen hundreds by migrant firemen. The firemen were drawn to Illinois due to the legendary perennial blaze called the "Great Chicago Fire" that only burns Irish people. Because Chicagoans of this era hated the Irish they decided to settle in the center of the towering inferno. But the Migrant firemen found it their duty to put out the fire and finally allow the Irish into Chicago.
After the Irish were let into Chicago, Mayor Richard J. Daley seized immediate power. To this day, his troops currently occupy Chicago.
On March 12, 1957, Richard J. Daley broke into the congress and stole a declaration of statehood for Illinois.
Recently, the southwest suburbs have been discovered and the nation is currently building an interstate to connect them with the rest of Chicago land.
- Abraham Lincoln's house
- Oprah's house
- Hillary Clinton (former patriot (aka Republican), now communist)
- Barak Obama (communist)
- Dickhead Durbin
- Oprah (Satan's talk show host)
- Hugh Hefner (oh ya top that)
- Richard J. Daley
- Richard Pryor
- Josephe Glidden, inventor of barbed wire...thanks for contributing to border protection!
- Devin Hester (fast black man)
A typical day in Illinois, south of ChicagoEdit
There is life south of Chicago? Who knew?!
Bear Spottings Edit
Bears in Illinois have been put on the run, but some still lurk the suburbs, digging through trash cans and eating children.
These bears have also been spotted with special radio collars that are rumored to be directly linked to a remote control in the home of Gov Blagojevich which he uses to attack random Republicans on his trips to Springfield after visiting his mistresses.