| Recognized Seasons|
on America's Planet
Hurricane Season is a delightful time of year lasting from June 1 to November 30. This is the only time of year during which tropical cyclones, including hurricanes and tropical storms, can occur. Any tropical storms or hurricanes occurring before or after Hurricane Season are considered "brownie storms" by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.It is also christmas time for Geraldo Rivera and Anderson Cooper!
There is also some scientific evidence which suggests that Hurricane Season can sometimes be effected by "El Niño," and "La Niña," thus proving Lou Dobbs correct in his assertions that illegal aliens bring nothing but trouble in their coupled ocean-atmosphere climate fluctuations.
Hurricane Season ActivitiesEdit
The most fun part of hurricane season is waiting to see what boring, middle-American name those funsters at the NOAA will come up with for the storm that destroys your town! Will it be the whimsy of a "Fran"? The cool of an "Andrew"? The down-home charm of a "Floyd"? The courage of a "Katrina"? Or perhaps even the subtle glamor of an "Isabel"? Who knows?
The key to perfect hurricane naming lies in balancing the need for attention-getting against the need for attention-distracting. After all, America needs to know about a large-scale hurricane as soon as the first glimmer of threat approaches America's continent, especially in a slow news cycle. However, America also needs to forget about large-scale hurricanes - and the people affected by them - as quickly as possible. So, (heaven forbid) in the unfortunate event of a hurricane, the name must be snappy enough to completely dominate a news cycle for up to six weeks (non-election year) without ever wearing out or losing gravitas. But the name must also be bland and lightweight enough so that it can be re-used in six years without triggering any unnecessary reflection on the long-forgotten victims of the last storm to bear that name.
Much as the great names in sports have their numbers retired to prevent future players from having to deal with the impossibility of ever living up to the inevitable comparisons, a few of the truly great hurricanes do get their names retired, however. Better safe than thinking about it.
Fortunately, God's grace provides that most named storms in a season will not make landfall in the United States, and that named storms can land in other countries, even going so far as to ravage our nearest Latin American neighbors, without ever making a dint in our national Hurricane Name remembrance abilities.
Planned evacuation procedures in the event of a major hurricane:
In the event that you may need rescue from a hurricane zone, there are ways to illicit faster responses from your always-altruistic federal government. You may purchase flare guns, or bribe Nigerian officials, like this resourceful gentleman.
Disaster Relief RitualsEdit
- Be sure to make Formal Request for relief
- Fill out all appropriate paperwork accurately, in triplicate
- Register online, by phone, and in person
- Shop at Disasteraid.com
- Prepare for move into FEMA Trailer
- Prepare for next hurricane to hit while still living in FEMA Trailer
- Pray to The Baby Jesus for a quick and painless death
- Pay way too much for minor repairs
- Watch your insurance rates quadruple
The 2007 Hurricane SeasonEdit
The Hurricane Watch over at the NWS are predicting that there is a 75% chance that 3-5 major hurricanes will strike the United States this Hurricane Season. They expect 13-17 named storms, and already named one "brownie storm" before the season started, with the second, "Barry" starting on Hurricane Season Eve. The Hurricaniacs are predicting an "Above Normal" Hurricane Season this year, which they want to make seem like a reason to panic.
The real understanding of the 2007 Hurricane Season will not be found by some NWS "science"-loving hurricanical B.S.es. No, to truly understand Hurricane Season, one must turn to God's Message. For help interpreting that message, consult the Wikiality.com Dopplert Praydar Weather Service.