# History of calculus

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When Stephen Colbert invented Mathematics in 12000 BC he broke it up into several different areas: geometry, algebra, and calculus. Stephen controlled geometry and algebra until mathologists stole it from him at the beginning of the 20th century.

He left calculus in the hands of a young and nimble physicist named Kent ames. Much of calculus is derived from Mr Ames' personal habits. For example, the Integral Sign was actually derived from the way Mr Ames used to write his cursive f's.

Mr Ames originally used calculus to defeat the bears in the historic battle of Sweden, the decisive turning point in the man-bear wars. The battle of Sweden was a 2 year long battle, thousands of people dying on either side. In the second year of the war, the bears gained an upper-hand. As the grizzly bears (the military wing of the bears) led what looked to be the final, deadly assault on the humans, Ames tied them up using the chain rule. After realizing how dangerous calculus could be in the wrong hands, Ames stored it away.

Near the end of the 17th century, Ames decided it was finally time to introduce calculus back into society. Ames, who had been working as a freelance bear-killer, was living in the United States of Canada when he decided that it was time to show the world calculus. Ames was drafting an explanation of calculus, which he was planning to send to baby George Washington, while enjoying a coffee at the first Canadian Starbucks. Ames accidentally left the draft on his table, where Isaac Newton (then working as a bus-boy under the name "Isaac McCoward") found them. Newton then sailed to England where he would publicize his "theory" of Calculus and even be knighted. Many years later, Ames tracked Newton down and asked for an apology. Newton, who had become arrogant and snooty due to calculus, outright refused, and challenged Ames. The two then battled one-another using calculus. Onlookers would later say that it was the most ingenious and fantastic fight ever to occur, each man deriving and integrating--with no clear winner in sight. Ames was forced to use his calculator, a magical device given to him by Colbert, to win the battle, and eventually slew Newton in the famous Westminster Abbey duel. To this day, Ames still has a hatred for Newton--and cats for that matter (Newton was an avid cat lover). This hatred would eventually lead to the world-wide cat genocide of 1800 AD, in which 3 million cats lost their lives--but thats another story.

The rest of calculus is history. Some people will try and tell you calculus is just another type of mathematics. They are wrong, calculus is more than just math, it is the divine power that gave man freedom.