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History of Canada

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Canada was founded in 1867 by rejects from the American Revolution led by John A. MacDonald. They claimed to be Loyalist to the British but in reality they just weren't awesome enough and their guns weren’t big enough to be American. Instead of setting up a real independent country like America they decided to allow the King to remain as the head of state. This is why the Queen of England is all over our monopoly money. The King could not be bothered with Canada so he lets the Governor General to do his talking for him. Governor General is a great gig you get to travel all around the world on the taxpayer dime but when actual real decisions are made you get moved to the kids table so that the important people can talk. The Prime Minister and his Parliament make the real decisions, the leader as of now is Stephen Harper. He now has a majority government therefore he listens to his opposition tells them to stick it and does whatever he wants anyways. We also have a Senate in Canada but they mainly stick around for comedic purpose today.

The earliest settler in Canada was Jacques Cartier in 1534. He built a bridge and named in his honour and it hasn't been repaired ever since. The early settlers believed they had found to route India but ended up finding a new world. When they met the natives of the area they didn't want to lose face so they called them Indians. As a tribute to their ignorance many people continue to call them Indians today. They hunted for beaver but after realizing that the men far outnumbered the women they settled for trading furs. Their main trading partner was the natives which was great because if you want to do trade it’s always great to have a trading partner that has no concept of the value of money...especially when you don’t explain to it to them. It’s like taking candy from a baby. The settlers weren’t exactly making a killing either. The economic system at the time was Mercantilism where the colonists did all the hard work of hunting and gathering animals just so they can sell it to the mother country overseas at a cheap rate. It then got manufactured and sold back to them at a ridiculously high price. In short they got screwed at both ends....That's what she said. Eventually the King of France claimed the land and called it New France. Ya just what the world needed another France. They set up a government led by the Governor and the Intendant but the main power was in the hands of the Catholic Church...like so many poor young boys. France had trouble settling the land because it was as cold as fuck and there were no women around. It also didn’t help that there was a bunch of angry Indians around who were starting to get suspicious about losing all their land. The King decided to offer up free land to anyone who was dumb enough to move to New France. It was called the Seigneurial system...the land would be given to Lords and they would hand out the land to peasants who would become their indentured servant for life. We have a system quite similar to it today called sub prime loan mortgages... just ask anyone who set up one of those mortgages. The King also shipped over thousands of under aged women who were too poor to have a say in the matter in order for them to reproduce with the men of the colony. The plan was considered a success yet when R Kelly does this we call him a pervert and a scumbag. The population started to grow rapidly mainly cause the people we’re breeding faster than Angelina Jolie after she has been out of the press for a few months. It reached a point where a real imperial power ie Britain took an interest in Canada. They waged war with France. After waving a white flag on the Plains of Abraham for about 7 minutes the British finally accepted the surrender of the French.

When the British took over they tried to lay the smack down and assimilate the French. This didn’t take well so they passed the Quebec Act in 1774 which allowed the colony to remain Catholic and French. At the same time there was a Revolution brewing south of the border which would lead to the creation of the greatest country in the Universe....if you’re not sure about that just ask any American. When the war ended all the losers from the war had to find a place to run away to. Out of sheer laziness many of them came to Canada. The English population grew so rapidly that the Government had to pass the Constitution Act in 1791 which separated the colony into Upper and Lower Canada. Upper Canada was mainly English and Protestant and Lower Canada was French and Catholic. Upper Canada would later go on to be afflicted with the most horrible of conditions which is of course rooting for the Toronto Maple Leafs....yuck. Eventually the people wanted a say in decisions of the government they called it responsible government. They started rebellions but the rebellions got crushed faster than a hippie protest on a college campus. The economic system had changed over the years and Britain’s economy was based on free trade which pretty much means opening up borders and removing taxes with other countries when doing trade. It also apparently means that all our jobs go to China and Mexico where 8 cents an hour isn’t a horrible wage. They tried to appease Canadians by passing the Act of Union which united Upper and Lower Canada. It also let them vote for meaningless positions of power but it didn’t work. Canada was becoming a major headache for Britain so they finally let them have their independance. In 1867, John A. MacDonald got liquored up AGAIN...look it up its true, he got his politician buddies together and they founded Canada.

When Canada became a country they had some growing pains. They're main fear was that they thought the Americans were gleefully waiting for an opportunity to chew them up and spit them out. MacDonald implemented the National Policy which placed tariffs on foreign goods, helped build railways and tried to increase immigration. Some parts of this 19th Century modern way of thinking is still in place today. Have you ever tried to cross the border with an extra bottle of Jack Daniels? They treat you like you're Osama Bin Laden. They also had problems with Natives. Louis Riel and his Metis clan created problems for the Government but when he was finally captured and punished he didnt hang around for very long. The Government passed the Indian Act which clearly defined the rights of Indians. I believe their rights now consist of manufacturing cigarettes which they can't legally sell to outsiders. As the 20th Century was ushered in, the world was in turmoil. I believe somebody shot someone who was wearing a funny hat and all of a sudden World War 1 broke out. Canada joined the war effort mainly because Britain told them to. Quebec was not happy about being drafted into war but the leaders in Ottawa pretended not to understand French and ignored them. After the war there was a period of prosperity. Production went through the roof. It's a brilliant concept actually you produce a bunch of crap without bothering to check to see if people are actually buying your stuff. Well that is until people realize that you're not actually selling enough stuff. There was a stock market crash in 1929 and Canada went into a great depression. The only profitable business was selling liquor to respectable American businessmen such as Al Capone. The economy was on the fast track to hell but a man with a funny mustache and some serious issues with anyone with a Stein or Berg in their name changed everything. Canada declared war on Hitler and Nazi Germany and entered World War 2 in 1939. Once again the French were opposed to the war. Wow what a shocker... Do you see a pattern developping here? They were quite content surrendering to the Germans and playing both sides of the fence like their French counterparts overseas. During the war effort Canada worked their way out of the depression. It turned out that when finally given an opportunity Canadian women could actually produce something other than babies.

After the war the men returned and lets just say they needed to release some tension. They had been at war for 4-5 years where the male to female ratio was worse than a Star Trek convention in some cases. There was a huge baby boom after the war. In Quebec, the french decided to put their fate in their own hands. Apparently having most of the population and none of the wealth wasn't good enough for them anymore. Go figure. There was a Quebec Nationalism movement which caused a Quiet Revolution. At the same time there a women's liberation movement throughout Canada. For some stranger the women thought that burning their bras would anger the white male power structure...i guess women really don't understand men. Meanwhile in Quebec, industries like Hydro became property of the Quebec Government. They also took over the schools and hospitals from the Catholic Church. Surprisingly, people who don't believe in evolution might not be best suited to be in charge of science and medicine. Eventually the movement got out of control and broke off into a separatist movement. When the separatist Parti Quebecois party got into power they passed some brilliant laws like Bill 101 which prevented their own people from learning English. You know when you live next to the largest economic power in the WORLD you really should expect THEM to learn YOUR language. There were referendums to seperate in 1980 and 1995. In the end end the separatists lost on both occasions....Quebecers might be crazy but quite not batshit crazy. The 1980s were dominated by Brian Mulroney and the Tories. He passed a free trade agreement with USA but it doesn't seem to apply to anyone who wants to buy a flat screen TV in Plattsburgh. On the bright side there is now a Wal Mart in every hick town in Canada. In the 1990s while Europe was adopting a common currency, Canada decided to adopt the Parker Brothers currency. Our monopoly money tanked to under 70 cents American on the dollar. The dollar has recovered but Canada's economy has taken a deeper dive than Lindsay Lohan's career in the last few years.

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