Hippies are the aboriginals of the commie world, a less advanced version of liberals. Hippies are smelly people with poor fashion sense. Female hippies are undistinguishable from the males, aside from the vaginas.
Am I a Hippie?
Many concerned young Americans are concerned that they may be hippies, so here's a helpful guide. You are a hippie if one of the following applies to you:
- You smell.
- You don't have a job.
- You vote Democrat.
- You smoke marijuana.
- You have dreadlocks.
- You think the Grateful Dead's music sounds good.
- You spend more money on drugs than you do in rent.
- You enjoy the smell of Patchouli Oil
- You are more upset by the death of an animal, than the death of a white child.
Hippies gather together in circles to worship a round ball called a "Hacky-sack". If fallen to the ground, it is always generous to pick up and start over again. This religion is teaching our youth that you can lose and win at the same time and creates lazy adults in the future. It is only a matter of time before the hacky-sack becomes recognized as the threat to America that it is.
Hippies enjoy smoking weed from bongs at outdoor concerts, playing frisbee and listening to the music of Phish, The Grateful Dead and the Dave Matthews Band. They differ from Yuppies, who enjoy smoking cigars at a wine bars, playing golf, and listening to the music of Hootie and the Blowfish.
The War on Hippies
Hippies can often times become very dangerous given the right environment. If there is pot or gay music a Hippie may be attracted. If that Hippie goes untreated then more hippies will arrive and create a Hippie circle with more pot and more gay music. If the hippie circle goes untreated then it can evolve into a Hippie JamFest, which is essentially an excuse to take recreational drugs and party instead of loving America. Because of this threat Stephen has waged a secret War on Hippies lead by his bastard son Eric Cartman of South Park.
Tools for Eliminating Hippies
- Death Metal Music (particularly Slayer)
- American Flag
- Hippie Digger (Like a Bulldozer)
- Adding chemicals to organic foods
- Ted Nugent
Notable Hippie Takeovers
- Woodstock 69 (Ended by lack of pot)
- Woodstock 99 (Ended by Big Business)
- Hippie JamFest '05 (Ended By Eric Cartman)
- Jerry Garcia
- Janis Joplin
- Grace Slick
- Ken Kesey
- Bill Clinton
- Tommy Chong
- Rob Corddry
- Nick & Heather Wilson
- George Will
- Jerry Falwell
- Cheech Marin
- George Bush
- PJ O'Rourke