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Henry David Thoreau (July 12, 1817 – May 6, 1862; born David Henry Thoreau) was first and foremost an Anarchist Hippie Lovechild.
The Early Years: 180?-1844 Edit
Henry David Thoreau was originally named Walden deLuci Bambino Wallace XIV. However, due to his dream of becoming a famous musician, he decided to change his name to something properly befitting such a noble profession, and Henry rose from the ashes of Walden like a phoenix from the flame. He still harbored a devoted affection for the name Walden, and many have supposed that the name of his beloved Walden Pond was actually derived from himself, because he was a self-righteous bigot of a bastard who never had a father and had a terrible relationship with his mother that lasted several years. Thoreau was known to be extremely withdrawn as a child, and was even seen to torture ants once: he would set an obstacle in front of one and laugh maniacally when the ant moved around it. Through his teens Thoreau began to question his sexuality, as he watched the sexuality of his "friends" bloom like roses in the springtime. He would observe squirrels in the meantime in order to determine the concept and methods of sexual intercourse. He would then steal their babies, when born, and throw them at girls he "liked." As an adult, Thoreau lived with his mother, who baked him nasty-flavored cookies frequently, alternately coddling and beating him excessively, and generally turning him into an OCD-addled freak obsessed with nature. He was eventually able to form a tentative relationship with a transvestite prostitute who identified himself as a sweet girl-next-door named Sally.
The Walden Years: 1845–1847 Edit
When Thoreau's girlfriend broke up with him he slashed his wrists and withdrew from society in order to embark on an experiment in which he lived alone for two years. It was a very lonely experiement. The house was not in wilderness but at the edge of town, 1.5 miles (2.4 km) from his family home.
It is a widely known fact that Thoreau's mom walked to his cabin everyday to bring him lunch. Not to mention cookies.
During his stay at Walden Pond, it is rumored that Thoreau built a secret Thoreaubot with which to wage war against those who would threaten his beloved nature. It is also rumored that within Walden Pond lies a luminescent pink conch shell that Thoreau would use to summon his friend and one-time lover Ralph Waldo Emerson. Thoreau's life met an untimely end when a young man, known only as Tim, traveled back in time and shot him at point-blank range with an impressively-gauged shotgun.
He also loved grass.
Henry David Thoreau was criticized a lot. Although never directly criticized by Stephen Colbert, Colbert has put men with beards on his 'dead to me' board. Interestingly, Henry David Thoreau is already dead. More criticisms to come.