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|The Great State of HAWAI'I|
|Capitol:||Any tourist information center|
|State Flower:||Anything that goes on a lei|
|State Bird:||Aloha Airlines Boeing 737|
|State Animal:||Giant Cane Rat|
|Nickname:||The Welfare State|
|State Anthem:||"Surf'n USA"|
|Population:||Seven residents, twelve million employees, eighty billion tourists|
|Standard MPH:||Bananas are good (Hawaiin for 34).|
|Principal imports:||Your money|
|Principal exports:||Maui Wowie, Kona Gold, Pat Robertson, sunburn, coconut bras|
|Principal industries:||Welfare, Food Stamps, Extorting Tourists, forging birth certificates|
|Fun Fact # 1:||Decided the last two elections.|
|Fun Fact # 2:||Iraq War training center.|
|Fun Fact # 3:||Originally called the Sandwich Islands until renamed by a PR/marketing firm in the 1950's.|
|Fun Fact # 4:||It is more useful In Hawaii to be able to speak Japanese than it is to speak Hawaiian.|
|Fun Fact # 5:||When your car gets too rusty to drive, you just park it and paint "Dispose" on the side. The cane rats and Samoans do the rest.|
Hawaii is The Greatest Country In The World's 50th state. According to pictures, it floats gracefully over Mexico. It gained statehood in 864 BC and has been a Republican stronghold ever since. Hawaii attacked Japan in 1941 bringing about World War II, America's greatest war until Iraq. It is also California's New Zealand.
It also wants your money. Do not resist the pull: just go, and become a tourist. Do it for America. Although, be wary of the dangerous black-sandals-white-socks combination, as some locals may beat you up for being a "haole." (white.)
Before discovery, Hawaii was inhabited by several large men with scary tattoos along with several medium-sized women who wore coconut bras. These sinners were saved by Jesus and brought into humanity. After being inhabited by haoles several asians followed, raising the average GPA for a short period of time, until they began to mix with the haole race, then more commonly known as F*cking haoles, creating several spawn known as hapa kids. (This incident caused many undocumented heart attacks amoungst the local japanese mothers, some of which are still in shock over the tainting of their bloodline.)
Hawaii was discovered in 1954 by U.S. Naval officer Lt. Cmdr. Philip Francis Queeg. Having worn out his balls from excessive palming, he anchored the U.S.S. Caine in Pearl Harbor. A shore party was formed to get the Captain some shiny new balls. Led by Ensign Frank Pulver, the away team discovered the islands inhabitants were totally uberhot friendly native girls clad only in Marijuana skirts and coconut bras. Prefering mating with the locals to returning to sea with the maniacal Queeg the crew mutinied and marooned him on the island of Molokai where Queeg started a Leper colony and the first Starbucks in the islands.
Strom Thurmond, U.S. senator from 1954 to current, voted against giving statehood to Hawaii and was quoted as saying "Asians were unqualified to be U.S. citizens because of their heritage." Which is probably true.
Luckily for the Hawaiians, it was a well known fact that Sen. Thurmond was a moron and a drunken pedophile, much like his bastard son Ted Kennedy. Therefore no one listened to him while he filabustered until he crapped in his trousers. Hawaii was inducted into the The Greatest Country In The Universe in 1959 and the Welfare State was formed.
Hawaii is worth going to again, absent since 1998 Primo beer returned to the islands in 2008. The locally brewed beer fell out of favor in 1982 when Haolies bought the label and made it taste like piss. It was so bad even Samoans on welfare wouldn't buy it with stolen food stamps.
Hawaii Landmarks include:
- It's widely known beaches
- Lush, green valleys
- A crater called Diamond Head
- A massive stone Hula-Jesus
- Honolulu's Chinatown
- Don Ho
- Hot Hula Babes
- Magnum, P.I.
- Steve McGarrett
- Dog The Bounty Hunter
- The Beach Boys
- King Kamoniwannaleiya AKA That dude on the Primo Beer label.
- Don the Beachcomber
- Det. Danny "Book 'em Dano" Williams
A Typical Day in HawaiiEdit
- Wake Up
- Smoke joint
- Bang hot surfer chick left over from last night
- Water marijuana plants
- Watch Spongebob Squarepants while doing some bong hits.
- Choke on bong, spit loogie on roommate, pass out, hit head on coffe table made from cable spool stolen from Island Bell
- Have roommate stitch head with fishing line
- One more bong hit
- Throw hot surfer chick out
- Go surfing
- Eat poi
- Smoke another joint
- Sleep on beach
- See 5ft long 180lb cane rat. Was it real or am I just that stoned? Better smoke another joint.
- Wax stick
- Get lei'd
- Get shark bite
- Drink case of Primo to kill pain
- Another joint
- Drive rust bucket to bar for luau
- Drink more Primos and sixteen Kamikazes
- Gerd out on roast pig
- Pick up hot tourist chick by showing her shark bite
- Take her back to surf shack, teach her how to wax stick
- Pass out
Hawaii Do's and Don'tsEdit
- Feed the Samoans
- Or the Sharks
- Or Giant Cane Rats
- Go to Chinatown
- Or anywhere else locals hang out.
- Especially surf spots, they will kick your haole ass all the back to tha Mainland, Brudda!
- Rent a Jeep and beat the s**t out of it in the jungle.
- Stop by Dog's Bail Bonds and check out Beth's ginormous Boobs.
- Go SCUBA Diving (see #2 above).
- Go Jet Skiing with naked hotties.
- When in Rome... Find some Maui Wowie and kick back on the beach.
Laws Unique To HawaiiEdit
- Every residence must have one (1) surfboard and two (2) marijuana plants.
- Any vehicle without rust is subject to citation and/or impound.
- Possesing less than one (1) ounce (28.35 grams) of Marijuana is a Class A misdomeanor.
- Possessing no marijuana is a Class E felony
- Every head of household must be collecting welfare under at least three aliases.
- "Dog The Bounty Hunter" must be informed of your current address.
- It is illegal to have more than one working head or tail light.
- Regardless of posted speed it is illegal to exceed 17mph (34 on multi-lane highways).
- Exception: If you are on a scooter there is no speed limit and you may disregard all traffic signals and lane restrictions.
- No surfboard or other cargo may be properly secured to any motor vehicle.