Truthiness award3
Truthiness award3

Hawaii won a 2005 "Truthie"
for Best Individual Line of the Year

Click here to view it in its award-winning state.

U R Here
is a Recognized State of the United States of America.
All the geography American schoolkids Need To Know.

See Also:

Big wave

Big Wave Dave
Hawaii's Official State Sport is surfing. Also known as "violent drowning," surfing requires great skill, huge balls and large amounts of psychotropic drugs like marijuana. Pictured here is "Big Wave Dave" riding a 100 foot Tsunami in from distant Gilligan's Island. Dave made the 300 mile journey is just under 13 minutes.

The Great State of HAWAI'I
State Flag:
Hawaii flag
Capitol: Any tourist information center
State Flower: Anything that goes on a lei
State Plant: Marijuana
Official Language: American
State Bird: Aloha Airlines Boeing 737
State Animal: Giant Cane Rat
State Motto: "Kamoniwannaleiya"
Nickname: The Welfare State
Governor: Magnum P.I.
State Anthem: "Surf'n USA"
Population: Seven residents, twelve million employees, eighty billion tourists
Standard MPH: Bananas are good (Hawaiin for 34).
Principal imports: Your money
Principal exports: Maui Wowie, Kona Gold, Pat Robertson, sunburn, coconut bras
Principal industries: Welfare, Food Stamps, Extorting Tourists, forging birth certificates
Fun Fact # 1: Decided the last two elections.
Fun Fact # 2: Iraq War training center.
Fun Fact # 3: Originally called the Sandwich Islands until renamed by a PR/marketing firm in the 1950's.
Fun Fact # 4: It is more useful In Hawaii to be able to speak Japanese than it is to speak Hawaiian.
Fun Fact # 5: When your car gets too rusty to drive, you just park it and paint "Dispose" on the side. The cane rats and Samoans do the rest.
Diver dan shark2

Lookout For The Shark Dan!
Hawaii's other Official State Sport is SCUBA. Also known as "being eaten by sharks." Not as demanding as surfing, SCUBA does require a keen awareness of one's surroundings.

Hawaii is The Greatest Country In The World's 50th state. According to pictures, it floats gracefully over Mexico.Truthiness award3 It gained statehood in 864 BC and has been a Republican stronghold ever since. Hawaii attacked Japan in 1941 bringing about World War II, America's greatest war until Iraq. It is also California's New Zealand.

It also wants your money. Do not resist the pull: just go, and become a tourist. Do it for America. Although, be wary of the dangerous black-sandals-white-socks combination, as some locals may beat you up for being a "haole." (white.)


Before discovery, Hawaii was inhabited by several large men with scary tattoos along with several medium-sized women who wore coconut bras. These sinners were saved by Jesus and brought into humanity. After being inhabited by haoles several asians followed, raising the average GPA for a short period of time, until they began to mix with the haole race, then more commonly known as F*cking haoles, creating several spawn known as hapa kids. (This incident caused many undocumented heart attacks amoungst the local japanese mothers, some of which are still in shock over the tainting of their bloodline.)



Lt. Cdr. Francis Queeg
The insane Queeg shown here palming his steel balls. His real life story was chronicled in the 1954 documentary "The Caine Mutiny."

Hawaii was discovered in 1954 by U.S. Naval officer Lt. Cmdr. Philip Francis Queeg. Having worn out his balls from excessive palming, he anchored the U.S.S. Caine in Pearl Harbor. A shore party was formed to get the Captain some shiny new balls. Led by Ensign Frank Pulver, the away team discovered the islands inhabitants were totally uberhot friendly native girls clad only in Marijuana skirts and coconut bras. Prefering mating with the locals to returning to sea with the maniacal Queeg the crew mutinied and marooned him on the island of Molokai where Queeg started a Leper colony and the first Starbucks in the islands.

Achieving StatehoodEdit

Primo beer

Primo Hawaiian Beer
The primary dietary staple of surfers and 500lb. Samoan bad asses since 1892.

Strom Thurmond, U.S. senator from 1954 to current, voted against giving statehood to Hawaii and was quoted as saying "Asians were unqualified to be U.S. citizens because of their heritage." Which is probably true.

Luckily for the Hawaiians, it was a well known fact that Sen. Thurmond was a moron and a drunken pedophile, much like his bastard son Ted Kennedy. Therefore no one listened to him while he filabustered until he crapped in his trousers. Hawaii was inducted into the The Greatest Country In The Universe in 1959 and the Welfare State was formed.

Hawaii TodayEdit

Stephen statue honolulu

Statue Of Our Blessed Savior
Don't miss the statue of Stephen Colbert in Downtown Honolulu.

Hawaii is worth going to again, absent since 1998 Primo beer returned to the islands in 2008. The locally brewed beer fell out of favor in 1982 when Haolies bought the label and made it taste like piss. It was so bad even Samoans on welfare wouldn't buy it with stolen food stamps.

Hawaii LandmarksEdit

Luau girls

Hot Island Hula Babes
Seen here doing the "Fertility Dance" a centuries old ritual desinged to drain man of all his Manly Man essence.

Hawaii Landmarks include:

Famous HawaiiansEdit

Tom selleck ferrari

Real American Magnum P.I.
Hawaii's Governer and NRA President, Thomas Magnum posing by his chick magnet.

Shark bite surfboard

"Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water."
Stoned surfers (AKA Hippies of the Sea) are one of the Great White Sharks favorite snacks. This surfer was lucky, reeking of patchouli oil and Mr. Zogs Sex Wax the shark found him unpalatable and spit him up onto the beach.

  • Don Ho
  • Hot Hula Babes
  • Magnum, P.I.
  • Steve McGarrett
  • Dog The Bounty Hunter
  • The Beach Boys
  • King Kamoniwannaleiya AKA That dude on the Primo Beer label.
  • Don the Beachcomber
  • Jaws
  • Five-O
  • Det. Danny "Book 'em Dano" Williams

A Typical Day in HawaiiEdit

Bridget fonda bong

"Don't Bo-Guard The Bong!"
Hot surfer chicks like Bridget Fonda love to lei around all day, doing massive bong hits and watching Spongebob Squarepants.

Hawaiian truck

Hawaiian Surf Buggy"
Typical conveyence favored by Hawaii's surfers.

Luau imu

Hawaiian Luau
In an orgy of alcohol, native sex dance and gluttony called a Luau a pig is wrapped in leaves and rousted in pit called an imu.

Shark wave

Pee In Wet Suit: Good, Poop: Bad
I think this wave is taken... A time honored rule of surfing is "First surfer up" has right-of-way.

Hanauma bay oahu

Oh, Yeah And The Beaches
While there are way more fun things to do in Hawaii, you should, I guess go to a beach.

  • Wake Up
  • Smoke joint
  • Bang hot surfer chick left over from last night
  • Water marijuana plants
  • Watch Spongebob Squarepants while doing some bong hits.
  • Choke on bong, spit loogie on roommate, pass out, hit head on coffe table made from cable spool stolen from Island Bell
  • Have roommate stitch head with fishing line
  • One more bong hit
  • Throw hot surfer chick out
  • Go surfing
  • Eat poi
  • Smoke another joint
  • Sleep on beach
  • See 5ft long 180lb cane rat. Was it real or am I just that stoned? Better smoke another joint.
  • Surf
  • Wax stick
  • Get lei'd
  • Surf
  • Get shark bite
  • Drink case of Primo to kill pain
  • Another joint
  • Drive rust bucket to bar for luau
  • Drink more Primos and sixteen Kamikazes
  • Gerd out on roast pig
  • Pick up hot tourist chick by showing her shark bite
  • Take her back to surf shack, teach her how to wax stick
  • Pass out
  • Repeat...

Hawaii Do's and Don'tsEdit


Stephen viking giant rats

Do Not Feed The Cane Rats
Hawaii, while having no Bears has these Godless Killing Machines. They are faster then bears due to a diet of migrant farm workers, curious tourists and C&H Pure Cane Sugar. When Stephen visits the Islands, he enjoys getting suited up in native gear and going on a rousing hunt.

  • Feed the Samoans
  • Or the Sharks
  • Or Giant Cane Rats
  • Go to Chinatown
  • Or anywhere else locals hang out.
  • Especially surf spots, they will kick your haole ass all the back to tha Mainland, Brudda!


  • Rent a Jeep and beat the s**t out of it in the jungle.
  • Stop by Dog's Bail Bonds and check out Beth's ginormous Boobs.
  • Go SCUBA Diving (see #2 above).
  • Go Jet Skiing with naked hotties.
  • When in Rome... Find some Maui Wowie and kick back on the beach.

Laws Unique To HawaiiEdit

Surfing rules

Surf Laws
While it is easy to confuse surfers for peace loving Hippies, this is a critical mistake. Violate one of their sacred laws and you will get the s**t beaten out of you.

  • Every residence must have one (1) surfboard and two (2) marijuana plants.
  • Any vehicle without rust is subject to citation and/or impound.
  • Possesing less than one (1) ounce (28.35 grams) of Marijuana is a Class A misdomeanor.
    • Possessing no marijuana is a Class E felony
  • Every head of household must be collecting welfare under at least three aliases.
  • "Dog The Bounty Hunter" must be informed of your current address.
  • It is illegal to have more than one working head or tail light.
  • Regardless of posted speed it is illegal to exceed 17mph (34 on multi-lane highways).
    • Exception: If you are on a scooter there is no speed limit and you may disregard all traffic signals and lane restrictions.
  • No surfboard or other cargo may be properly secured to any motor vehicle.

See AlsoEdit


Aloha and Mahalo!
Lovely island girl very sad to see haole go home...

External TubesEdit

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