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Harry Potter is the main character in a series of books by British writer-lady J.K. Rowling. In order to distinguish her books from all the other books in the world, Rowling came up with convention of titling each book in a similar fashion. So just in case you're not sure, you can tell you've got an official Harry Potter©®™ book product if the title of said book is "Harry Potter and the ...[insert some weird word or phrase Rowling made up here]", even if the book brings in characters from Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Flies, and Lord of the Dance and is written in Chinese.

Harry Potter: Pure Evil, or Lesser Sin??

The Case Against Reading

While all books that are not The Bible, or similarly approved reading material are known to damage the gut, the Harry Potter books can be especially dangerous for impressionable young children and retarded older adults. These books contain all sorts of hidden messages that could lead people to think with their head, not with their gut, and accidentally turn American children away from God, leading the innocents down the thorny, scratchy and hemorrhoidal left path to hellfire and damnation. So, if you happen to be at a doctor's office and a ton of people come in smelling like Preparation H, those would be all the Harry Potter readers going straight to Hell. Pity them, but feel secure in the fact that YOU are going to heaven for not reading this foolishness.

Sorcery is Satanic

Because the main character, Harry, is a wizard who attends a school of sorcery, many people have read these books as guidebooks for Satanism. It is true that some people have been led astray by the books, adapting "alternative lifestyles" and turning away from Our Lord and Savior. These people have done so because they made the mistake of reading the Harry Potter books only with their heads, rather than also using their guts to interpret the books.

Hidden Allegories and the Magical Surge


Ronald Weasley, one of Harry's best friends from Hogwarts.

Although exposing children to any non-Biblical books (i.e. anything that isn't the Bible) carries obvious dangers (as non-evidence from numerous non-scientific studies has not-proved), the risks are especially high when such books contain stories of so-called "magic". The reasons for this are many, but the primary difficulty results from the fact that young children are not yet adept enough to recognize the difference between "magic" as a metaphor for God's divine miracles (aka Jesus Powers), and "magic" as a metaphor for the seductive but ultimately soul-destroying "powers" derived from Satan.

Nonetheless, it is a grave mistake to see these "Harry Potter" books as inherently pushing the path-of-darkness-and-death party line in their stories of "witchcraft and wizardry". Unlike the Qur'an, the Bagottahavitavita, or the J.C. Penny's Catalogue, the Harry Potter books are not simply Satan's Diaries dressed up in fancy covers.

Hidden within their magical metaphors, these books also contain many messages that underscore Christian family values, including

  • the virtue of sacrifice for the good of the whole,
  • respect and support for one's leaders,
  • the value of family and traditional marriage, and
  • the obvious need to fight the enemy over there in an epic battle of indeterminate length in the name of good versus evil.
25px-DramaticExclamationPoi All You Need To Know...

True Believers will recognize that beneath the trappings of "wizardry and witchcraft, Harry Potter carries a message we can all support: if you truly want to make the world a better place, you have to be willing to fight and die in bloody, apocalyptic war to end all wars. Most good parents endorse these beliefs, even if they can't get behind the presentation.

The DaPotter Code

Reading the Harry Potter series as a modern day morality play takes some skill and determination, especially since reading in general, for most hard working Americans, is hard and bad, and these books can quickly draw you off-course with their winsome characters and non-absolutist stance on questions of Christian dogma (we believe the lack of absolute clarity on some of these questions is meant to fool the Muggles liberals into thinking that the books don't possess a Christian agenda, in order to make them more palatable for billion dollar sales and merchandising). Plus, as talented as Ms. Rowling may be, she's no Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins.

As a literary service, provides the following unpacking of the true meaning behind the Harry Potter series:

Harry Potter was but a wee lad in his cradle, when the Evil Lord Voldemort came to kill him. Voldemort killed Harry's parents, but Harry somehow managed to survive the curse that Voldemort attempted on him. Voldemort was temporarily defeated, and his reign of terror came to an end. Yet he somehow managed to retain just enough strength so that he could return to face Harry again 12 years later. In the meantime, Harry went to school at Hogwarts, where he learned magic from Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, and others. With this knowledge, he hopes to be able to defeat his enemy. Now, Voldemort and Harry must fight to see who will ultimately triumph. The fate of wizardkind - and by extension, all humanity - hangs in the balance.

  • Harry Potter = Republican Party, BAMF
  • Voldemort = Democrat Party, Communist
  • Harry's cradle = 1994, Contract with America in its infancy
  • Voldemort's attempt on Harry's life = Democrats think they can filibuster Newt
  • The curse bounces back = Republicans triumph, world is covered in sunshine and roses
  • Hogwarts = K Street, Newbury Street, and Sesame Street all into one.
  • Dumbledore = Bob Ney, Snape = Tom Delay; McGonagall = Jack Abramoff
  • 12 years later = 2006 Midterm Elections
  • Fight to see who will ultimately triumph = Surge
  • All humanity hangs in the balance = All humanity hangs in the balance, and when I say that it hangs in the balance, I f'ng mean HUMANITY STANDS IN THE BALANCE!!!

Still, You Have to Remember...

All reading which is not the bible carries inherent dangers. While the underlying themes of the Harry Potter books echo themes of biblical and Christian tradition, the stories themselves are shrowded in cultish symbology that could easily lead impressionable and/or stupid lambs away from the reading flock.

Book Seven: Prepare for the Rapture, All Ye Sinners

see the main article at Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.


Hermione Granger, Harry's other best friend.

He who has ears, let him hear:

July 21, 2007, saw the release of the 7th and final book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. To mark the occasion, The Lord Our God has ordered the breaking of the seventh and final seal; hence from the deathly hallow the mighty Baphomet shall spring forth to issue in the apocalypse. The Rapture is nigh upon us, O! My Brothers and Sisters! We must make ourselves clean before the Lord Our God, lest we be left behind.

Order your book now at selected online retailers for a 40% discount. And don't forget, there's also the 43,000,000 cd audiobook.

The Rapture is here, my brothers and sisters! The last seal has been broken! And the book is fucking awesome, so read it. I mean it. Right now. What are you still doing on this page? Turn off your internets and read this kick ass book now! And yes, I have hemorrhoids cause I'm going to Hell for reading this book...and I don't care.

All humanity hangs in the balance. Constant vigilance!

Really, We're Serious. Be Careful.

While the underlying messages of the Harry Potter books can indeed be interpreted as positive indicators of Our Lord's will unfolding on America's Planet, these books remain very, very dangerous, especially in the hands of young children. Before encouraging them to read these books, please think about your children and take the time to talk to them. Remind them that these books are works of fiction. Unlike the Bible, the Harry Potter books should not, cannot, must not be interpreted literally. To read these books as anything but clever metaphors for the works of a divine providence would be the worst kind of abomination.

As proof of what happens when such abominable readings ensue, just consider how the Kids Today are listening to their "wizard rock." Obviously, there were some parents who did not feel that they needed to explain the nature of these books to their kids. Those peoples' kids took the books at their Satanic face values, and now they are making the evil Rock and Roll music and giving their bands silly "wizardish" names.

This is what happens when we fail to think of the children, and don't bring them up properly in the ways of the Lord. Or when they are allowed to read and interpret literature freely, without refracting everything through a conservative, fundamentalist Christian lens. And remember: it's a small step from Harry Potter to Catcher in the Rye or Infidels and You: How You Can Become a Martyr in our Jihad Against America.

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