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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

Main Course
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Ham is an American food that is made by placing a 700 pound pig in a trash compactor. It is also the architect of The Greatest Administration Ever!!

Before consumption, a ham is usually glazed with honey.

The bearrorist group Hamas are known for their love of ham.

The most famous ham glazers in the industry is the Honey Baked Ham Company. The most famous stock holder of Honey Baked Ham Company is OJ Simpson.

How to Glaze A HamEdit

What you will needEdit

  • a ham
  • a damp cloth
  • a shallow pan
  • a working oven
  • a working clock
  • an advanced degree in mathematics
  • a sharp knife
  • picture of Stephen Colbert on wax paper
  • cloves (don't smoke 'em hippie! )
  • pineapple juice
  • some honey
  • a saucepan
  • a working stove
  • meat thermometer
  • no apples, ever, use pineapples slices instead
  • fresh mint


based, in part, on the recipie from Razzle Dazzle

  1. Wipe ham with damp cloth
  2. Place ham in uncovered shallow roasting pan, fat side up
  3. Bake in a 325 degree oven, allowing about 20 minutes per pound of ham
  4. About 45 minutes before ham has finished baking, remove from oven
  5. Skin
  6. score fat
  7. place paper template of Stephen over ham
  8. using template, dot with whole cloves to make a picture of Stephen's beautiful, beautiful face

To make glaze:

  1. Combine pineapple juice, lemon juice, and honey.
  2. Heat to the boiling point
  3. Remove from heat immediately and pour over the ham.

Return ham to oven and bake approximately 45 minutes or until interior temperature is 170 degrees

To serveEdit

  1. Garnish with sautéed pineapple slices and fresh mint.
  2. Set shallow pan on table, give every member of your dinner party a sharp knife
  3. whoever survives eats the ham, and drinks the sauce

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