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Gut Age

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French
Gut Age
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Someone please create and upload an original image.
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WonkyEarPub08
CashDrawer
Gut Age
is available for purchase
from and for the benefit of Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.


Gut Age: Train Your Gut in Minutes a Day! is an award-winning video game for the Nintendo DS system. It is also the only Nintendo DS game developed and endorsed by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA. Because of this, it is also the best-selling game for the system selling approximately 2.15 copies for every Nintendo DS sold.

Gut Age helps to train a person and help them access the majestic Primal Gut. This is accomplished by completing simple gut-training mini-games every single day for the rest of your life until you inevitably get bored of it.

It should be noted the game will not function whenever the Colbert Report is on the air. This include reruns.

HistoryEdit

Stephen Colbert first conceptualized a gut-training video game early in his video game developing career. He predicted that with sufficient gut training any person could tap into the infinite power of the Primal Gut. Stephen knew that he was right, because he felt it in his gut. After the release of Stephen Colbert's Escape From Skateboard Mountain on the SNES, Stephen presented his idea to Nintendo. Unfortunately, Nintendo opted not to support Stephen's new and incredibly innovative game idea.

Stephen became extremely angry with Nintendo and halted development of his unreleased games including Stephen Colbert's Return To Skateboard Mountain. This strained relationship between Stephen Colbert and Nintendo led to the video game drought of 1994. In this period Stephen released no new video games in order to focus on a career in television journalism.

The idea for the game was forgotten about until 2007 when Stephen became a doctor. With his newly appointed title of "Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA", Stephen was able to design his gut-training video game with a "Doctor Recommended" label. Nintendo immediately released the game as "Gut Age: Train Your Gut in Minutes a Day!". With the relationship between Dr. Colbert and Nintendo repaired, Stephen was able to continue development on Stephen Colbert's Return To Skateboard Mountain. The game is being retooled for the next-generation consoles and is expected to be released during the first quarter of the 22nd century.

All you need to know, Stephen Colbert has just created the single greatest video game of all-time.

GameplayEdit

Gut Age's gameplay focuses on the completion of simple tasks designed to activate your frontal gut. These quick activities are to be attempted every day with the goal being to lower your "gut age" as much as possible. These gut-training activities include:

  • Truth or Fact - Players read a sentence or phrase and then identify whether the statement is truthy or facty. If the sentence is facty the player must truthify it by adding and removing different words.
  • Lung Training - Since your gut is more than just your stomach it is important to train other parts of your gut, including your lungs. Simply blow into the Nintendo DS's built-in microphone for as long as you can! The game starts easily enough but you'll need all the gut-training you can get to beat the infamous "Half-Hour Respiration EXPLOSION!!!"

DISCLAIMER: In the case of an actual respiration explosion, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert cannot be held responsible. Play at your own risk.

  • Literature - For a long time books have been perceived as evil but some books are actually truthy. Go figure! In this activity you read aloud passages from books hand-picked by Stephen himself! These include:
  • The Bible - If you haven't already read the bible you need to go burn in eternal hellfire. Or you can just read the important parts, included right in the game!
  • I Am America (And So Can You!) - The most important book ever dictated into a megaphone over a three-day weekend, I Am America (And So Can You!) is a modern masterpiece that will remembered for years to come. However if you want to read it you better run to nearest store and buy it immediately! No freeloaders!!! Instead, you will be reading aloud "I Am America" advertisements designed to persuade those around you to buy their own copy. Remember, speak loudly when reading these particular passages!
  • America: The Book - Only the parts dictated by Stephen Colbert.

Completing a task in a timely manner might decrease your gut age by three years. If you screw up, then a whopping 10 years will added to your gut age.

ReleaseEdit

After working out some copyright violations, Nintendo and Stephen were ready to release Gut Age to the world. The game was released on April 10, 2006 and sold out almost immediately. Nintendo bumped up production on the game to meet the high demand but have failed considerably.

More than a year later these shortages are still in effect. Chances are, if you went to your local video game retailer they wouldn't have a single copy in stock!

You should still check anyway.

ReceptionEdit

Gut Age was met with major critical acclaim from Americans all around the world. Some say it is the best game ever made, and it will be until Stephen Colbert's Return To Skateboard Mountain is released on the next-gen video game systems.

Gut Age has also been met with criticism. Some critics have slammed the sloppy touch-screen controls, poor voice recognition software, and the fact that Gut Age appears to take place on Skateboard Mountain. But those people are terrorists.

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