Goldilocks was a member of the FBI (Forest Bear Investigators) and martyr. She was unjustly murdered by a family of angry bears, after directing a raid on there home and destroying their chairs and eating their poridge. Goldilocks was canonized as a saint in 1960 by Pope John Paul II; her miracles include having the audacity to search the home of a family of vicious german grizzly bears (a now extinct species) and the further boldness to go so far as to sleep in their beds.
It has been argued that Goldilocks must have been an ancestor of Stephen Colbert, as no one else in the world today has inherited such balls.
Except Ann Coulter.